As They Really Are

Hearken

2012-02-12T22:30:00.004-06:00

I think that one of the most fundamental changes I’ve experienced over the past few months has been learning how to separate myself from E.D. I’ve realized that deep down I don’t always agree with his thoughts (i.e. "You are not pretty today, because your face is fat") and rules ("You must be thinner than your roommates"). In moments where normally I would feel overwhelmed with feelings of weight-related worthlessness, I now—most of the time, at least –am able to step back and disagree.

There are definitely opposing voices as I go through my day—to devalue myself for not being the thinnest girl in my study group or to just let it go, to focus on something more important. I loved this scripture where Alma admonishes the people to pay heed to the voices they hearken to:
“Therefore if a man…hearkeneth unto the voice of the good shepherd [he] doth follow him; but whosoever bringeth forth evil works, the same becometh a child of the devil, for he hearkeneth unto his voice, and doth follow him” (Alma 5:38).
Alma asks repeatedly through the chapter if we have been spiritually born of God, and have become His children, insomuch that we bear a “familial resemblance” to Him by receiving His image in our countenance. I learned here that this change happens as I hearken unto His voice, and doth follow Him. As long as I’m hearkening to (listening to/obeying) the voice of the adversary, I move towards being spiritually begotten in his image, not the Savior’s. I might become thin and have hot thighs like the Macy’s girl (no photoshopping needed, thank you), but in the quiet moments of my life I will have to read Alma 5 and answer his introspective questions with a knowing “no.” No, Alma, I have not received His image in my countenance. No, my works were not the works of righteousness, because my mind was more concerned with calories than compassionate service, because I chose to ponder my relationship to the scale instead of the Savior, and because I desired a weight incompatible with childbearing. Those things would be my reward.
When I consider that as my potential future my chest caves in for shame. I want those things to be a part of my past, not my future. And I can most happily confess that they are moving there. Now, in those moments I had mentioned in the beginning, I am careful as to whom I hearken. I allow E.D. to continue his destructive rants on my self-worth, but I’m not even listening. His thoughts are not my thoughts anymore, neither are his ways my ways, because I listen to another voice. A softer, kinder, and more important a truer voice that leads me to a happier and more fulfilling day.

A Sure Foundation

2012-02-06T22:50:00.003-06:00

In the first Star Wars film (well…I guess technically the fourth film…A New Hope nonetheless) Luke is struggling sharpening his acquirement of The Force. Yoda, the sole witness to his toilings, gives him this timeless counsel: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my therapist. Up until then, I was doing a lot of journaling exercises that were really helping me to connect with myself and disconnect from destructive thoughts. Because I had begun the journaling only as a temporary substitute for “real” therapy, I discontinued it upon meeting with my therapist, notwithstanding how essential it had been to my progress’ staying power.
Unfortunately, E.D. took advantage of my naivety—slowly, of course. I didn’t even notice the old familiar thoughts at first. Destructive thoughts had been second nature to me for so long, that initially I didn’t even think to disagree with them:
E.D.: Your face has really gotten fat, Brady is going to be disgusted when he sees you over President’s Day weekend.
Me: But I haven’t gained that much weight, have I? I’m just trying to listen to my body and respond intuitively to what it needs, like my dietician is helping me to do. Besides, my clothes don’t fit differently.
E.D.: Don’t you remember how fat your face looked in that recent Facebook photo?
Me:…oh. Omygosh you’re right. Oh no, everyone does think that I’m fat.
Although I didn’t notice at first I was slipping into my old thought patterns, an end-of-the-week meltdown shook me into seeing it. But by then I was already deeply entrenched in those old thoughts—that I only have worth when I’m thin, and that my identity depends upon being “the tiny one.”
The one who can fit into a dryer.
It’s who I’ve always wanted to be, and for so long it’s who I have actually been. It’s what I’ve learned will bring me self-worth. And until recently, it has been worth every sacrifice of energy and brain power that I could gather.
I know both in my mind—and now, finally, in my heart—that it is unhealthy, unrealistic, and possibly most important unconducive to the Spirit’s accompaniment and the development of human relationships. But what do I do about this? How do I, as Yoda so eloquently put it, “unlearn what I have learned”? What is this new foundation upon which I should establish my self-worth? And when I find it, how do I begin building? Once it’s built…will I like myself?
I took these questions to the Lord, and since He answers “line upon line,” these inquiries will need to continually be presented to Him. The beginnings of the answers, however, the bright red “You are here” on this roadmap of Stefanie, if you will, drew my mind back to the Savior and His Atonement. This was no surprise, however, because answers to my prayers often pertain to keeping my covenant to “always remember Him.”
Although I’m not quite sure how to put it into words, into a concrete thought, I know that I am to establish my self-worth upon the Savior. I know that Christ is a foundation upon which we are to build all the most important things in this life if we want them to stand (i.e. testimonies, marriages, the Church), and He is a foundation upon which if we build, we cannot fall. That’s because His love is the “chief cornerstone” of any good foundation, and His love “never faileth.” Establishing this sure foundation will result in what I was seeking from my eating disorder—beauty and acceptance. I will be blessed with true beauty, because I will have “His image in my countenance”. And I will find acceptance—not from without but from within. Because although the natural “man looketh upon the outward appearance,” I will have “eyes to see,” eyes that “looketh on the heart.”

That is a skill worth learning.

Staying Put

2012-01-20T17:39:00.007-06:00

Today I learned an important lesson: E.D. has his own thesaurus, where there are lots of entries for the word “fat.” Ugly, pale, mismatched, tardy…it’s pretty much an open Wikipedia entry. This morning I felt all of those adjectives, but the conclusion I came to in my 8 am Asian Humanities class was simply, "I am fat."

After showering and doing my hair and makeup this morning, I decided that I didn’t really like what I had planned on wearing after all (oh let’s be honest here, I thought that I looked fat). I quickly tried to decide on a suitable (i.e. slimming) outfit, but end up settling on the last thing I try on at 7:30. I wanted to be on campus, reading, at 7:30, not leaving my house at that time. I am late. I can’t ever get this right.

I make it to the JFSB with ten minutes to spare before class, so I…make the best out of the time I have left and read as intended? Nope. I head to the ground floor bathroom to analyze the full length mirror. Under the florescent lights, I realize for the first time how fair my skin has become. With the ample space provided by the mirror, I realize that my jeans are too casual for my boots. And…did I mention I left my house late today? Omygosh, I am so fat, I think to myself. But then I catch myself. The scale hasn’t moved, even though I’ve stuck to my dietician’s meal plan. My jeans haven’t fit any more snugly (in fact, they’ve actually seemed a bit roomier). My thighs still don’t touch. I don’t physically feel fat, so why am I telling myself this morning that I am? Does every failure to me mean that I’m fat?

Enter Handel’s token “Hallelujah” chorus. I have just had an epiphany. Suddenly, spending the remaining four minutes in the ladies’ room doesn’t seem so appealing anymore. I head to class early to journal during the time I have left:
I am struggling this morning. I feel fat. But I’m actually not sure if I feel fat or if I feel ugly, pale, or that I just don’t like my outfit. All I know is that I don’t feel perfect like I wanted to, and so I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. But…I do. E.D. tells me that others won’t love me or want to talk to me if I don’t look drop dead gorgeous today (thin, pretty, well-dressed), but what do I believe? Do I believe that I have less worth today? Do I feel that my intrinsic worth fluctuates based upon superficial measures? Hmm…honesty card? Yes. But I don’t want it to. So today, instead of focusing on what I lack today or what I don’t like about myself today, I can believe that I am still worth knowing and living and being happy, without going home and changing/sneaking in a tanning session during lunch/returning to a steady diet of baby spinach.

A month ago I would have feared leaving that bathroom mirror. I somehow thought that agonizing and worrying would somehow keep me from gaining weight. Perhaps I thought that the harsher I punished myself the more traumatized I would be and so the more ‘disciplined’ I would become—that if I let up on myself then I would suddenly get even fatter. E.D. still used that to try to convince me to stay. E.D. told me to go home and change. But I stayed on campus and had a great day. And you know what? My jean size stayed the same despite it.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's...Thighs

2012-01-16T19:21:00.001-06:00

Does she even look happy about them...?

Since the beginning of the holiday season (which, for those of us familiar with retail, begins in September), I’ve coveted the thighs of the Macys girl poster. Each morning after my run, I’d compare the image embedded in my memory against what I saw in the mirror. As of late, they’ve matched.
I was picking up dinner ingredients (refer to previous entry) at Wal-Mart two nights ago, and I saw the cover of a Fitness magazine. Determined not to be pressured by photoshopped media, I was ready to turn my head. Before I could, an alarming message flashed in my brain. “She has some fat thighs.” What? Since when did Fitness select plus size models? I grabbed the periodical and flipped through the magazine. All the women had similarly sized upper legs. I glanced at Shape, which was the (surprisingly!) only other magazine on the rack displaying a half-covered female body. That models legs were equally-sized as well. I drove home, pondering what our fitness media had come to, when I stopped off to pick up the mail. Inside was a Victoria’s Secret catalog with Semi-Annual Sale calling my name. As I looked at the model, I noticed my reaction to the model. When did Adriana Lima gain weight? Did she have a baby or something. But after satisfying my curiosity by flipping the pages of the other models, I realized that no one had gained any weight. They weren’t cage-feeding these girls to make me or anyone else feel any better. These are how women are supposed to (at the very least) look. How did I let it go so far, for so long, that I altered, no, warped, my perception of what my body should look like? Their thighs are not supposed to be a direct line to their calves. And while the Macys girl seems to handle it well, not I—nor anyone else without access to live Photoshopping—should take that as her inspiration for beauty.

The First Supper

2012-01-06T20:12:00.001-06:00

Hmmm...is that a sacreligious title?

One thing about my eating disorder that really threatened my future happiness was…dinner. I’ve eaten a spinach salad with scrambled egg whites and dry toast for the past (who knows how many) months, and seriously, what future husband is going to want to dine in on that? So…yesterday I made a meal plan with my dietician, and one of my goals is to actually going to cook a variety of dinners this week. I even made a dinner calender, and tonight was my first night! This was a really big step for me, a real letting go, and so I wanted to show off my first official recipe :)

Beef and Bean Chile Verde

4 servings, about 1 1/2 cups each Active Time: 20 minutes Total Time: 30 minutes
Ingredients
1 pound 93%-lean ground beef
1 large red bell pepper, chopped
1 large onion, chopped
6 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper, or to taste
1 jar green salsa, or 15-ounce can diced tomatoes

1/4 cup water
1 15-ounce can pinto or kidney beans, rinsed
Preparation
Cook beef, bell pepper and onion in a large saucepan over medium heat, crumbling the meat with a wooden spoon, until the meat is browned, 8 to 10 minutes. Add garlic, chili powder, cumin and cayenne; cook until fragrant, about 15 seconds. Stir in salsa (or tomatoes) and water; bring to a simmer. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender, 10 to 15 minutes. Stir in beans and cook until heated through, about 1 minute.
Nutrition
Per serving : 307 Calories; 8 g Fat; 3 g Sat; 3 g Mono; 64 mg Cholesterol; 29 g Carbohydrates; 27 g Protein; 6 g Fiber; 516 mg Sodium; 641 mg Potassium

Losing the Salt

2012-01-01T22:48:00.006-06:00

Last night I had a turning point conversation with Brady, where I realized that I truly wanted to change this for myself, and not for him or anyone else anymore. I felt it in every inch of my body, and in every part of my soul. But this morning, you might as well have cranked up the Ying Yang Twins over MoTab on my iPod, because I definitely busted out the salt shaker.

Ok, lame musical reference from last decade, my apologies.

I roll out of bed, ready to just soak in the Spirit of the Sabbath. I’m strong, and I know who I am as a daughter of God. To top it all off, I’ve got a cute just-received-from-Christmas-shopping little black dress hanging in my closet, just calling my name, waiting for me to get out of the shower. When I do retreat from the hot water, I learn that more than the frigid Provo winter will make for a disheartening exit.

I begin to get dressed—my underwear is tighter. I check out my face in the mirror—yep, I knew it, my cheeks are definitely chubbier. It could be my imagination. It could be beginning-of-the-month bloating. But in reality, those are all inexcusable. The consensus is clear—I am fat.

But I stop myself. No, I am not the same girl I was one month ago. Feelings of fatness do not control my life anymore. I look myself straight in the mirror, remind myself that I’m beautiful. That both Brady and Bobbie—two honest and “real” people in my life—think so, and so I should know so. And I slowly return to reality, composure is regained, and I again step foot back on my sure foundation.

But then something unexpected happens.

I, very consciously, reject that healing moment. I no longer want to be composed and rational. I want to go back to restricting my eating/increasing my exercise on days where I feel bigger than normal. I don’t want to have to see myself as beautiful if I don’t feel worthy of that blessing, if I’m not sufficiently tiny today. I liked it the old way, how I used to be. If I stayed that way, I would never get fat. If I move forward in this direction I don’t have that lifetime guarantee. Today, I agree with my eating disorder. Today, I am fat.

The speaker in church knew of my decision to go back. Or at least He Who inspired him did. He spoke of repentance, and used Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk Remember Lot’s Wife as a guide.

I had always judged Lot’s wife pretty harshly. Seriously, woman? You want to look back at Sodom and Gomorrah? Alright, just in case you aren’t aware of the perils of staying there, why don’t you at least recall the Lord’s admonition to “Escape for thy life,” and “Look not behind thee … ; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed” (Genesis 19:17).

However, just like Lot’s wife, I was longing in my heart to go back, to go back to body image safety, to those counterfeit but attractive promises of self-confidence, success, and control. Even though I had been repeatedly used, lied to, and left alone by obeying my eating disorder, I wanted it back. It was all I knew, and the only thing I really knew I was good at. What would I be good at in the future? Pep talks to my new fat self, that’s what.

But as the speaker continued, I knew in heart that it wasn’t worth it. I was struck with a spirit of repentance, of a desire to be break my stubborn heart and align my will with Heavenly Father’s. I realized it was a blessing to recognize my empathy with Elder Holland’s description of Lot’s wife, not so that I would find company for my misery but that I could recognize my own wrongdoings and learn from her fatal error. Elder Holland’s words cut in all-too-familiar places when he said that she “looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind…. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.”

Do I want that said of me?

Even more, do I want to die such a tragic death?

Not only does following this path lead to a death of my spirit, robbing me of my true identity, but I’ve had enough inspired conversations as of late to know that this path isn’t just damaging, it’s deadly.

As of late I’m reading a book in which the author writes that some days we may agree with our eating disorders:

ED: You are fat.
Stefanie: You’re right, I do feel fat today.

But the important thing in recovery is that, although you may agree with your eating disorder, you must not obey it.

ED: You are fat today, and so you should skip dinner.
Stefanie: You’re right, I do feel fat today. But I’m still going to eat dinner.

The path that I’m on is not easy, but it’s right. Overcoming this in my mind and heart is the only way to “fill the measure of my creation” –or reach my potential in this life—through developing love for all mankind and being able to have healthy family relationships. That day will be all worth it. I know it, and I feel it. As Job writes, “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10).

And becoming gold is much better than a pillar of salt.

Life

2011-12-25T16:54:00.005-06:00

Around December, I’m always reminded of the gifts of life that the Savior has given me. On the eleventh I celebrate my birthday, a day where, twenty four years ago, God bestowed upon me mortal life. And not just any life, but my life. Little did I know as an infant that I had in front of me a healthy, loving, adventure-filled existence. Heavenly Father has given me things both “to please the eye and to gladden the heart” (D&C 59:18), but has also given me opportunities to experience “a mighty change of heart” (Mosiah 5:2) where I could come to know Him and His Son.

One of these experiences was the gift of spiritual life. I was baptized on the third of this month six years ago. That day opened for me the gate to eternal life with my Father in Heaven, and placed me on the path to perpetually deep and enduring happiness. When I initially began learning about the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, it was as if I could experience true happiness—to a depth and degree that I didn’t even know was possible, simply because it was only available through embracing the Savior’s teachings and truly experiencing His Atonement. I finally understood in my mind and heart the scripture that promises “that [we] might have life, and that [we] might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).

And, with Christmas on the 25th, I can pause to reflect on the birth of the Savior. Not only am I grateful for His coming into this world over 2,000 years ago, but I look forward with gratitude to His triumphal return, wherein “every knee shall bow and every tongue confess” that He is the Christ (Mosiah 27:31). Whatever the month or the hour of His coming, I look forward with immense gratitude be raised to life with my future husband and family to dwell eternally in the Kingdom of God.

A Little Project for Christmas Break...

2011-12-24T19:49:00.006-06:00

Nope, not the gingerbread house :)

So…I had this really calming conversation tonight with Brady. While I would never share it in full, I feel that I could and should share a few insights I had.

It started with me telling him that sometimes I feel that I just don’t know who to believe, that the opposing views of “Stefanie’s too thin” and “Stefanie could stand to lose a few more pounds” constantly battle within my mind. The angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other are each disguised so well that I can’t tell who is who, and so I feel paralyzed in taking action. Should I eat a little more or should I eat even less than usual? On the one hand, I have family members A, B, and C joining up with my doctors to express grave concern over my health, while on the other family member X remains confused at why the treatment center recently highly recommended inpatient treatment (and by so doing refused to treat me simply as an outpatient) since in her personal opinion I’m “not all that thin.” After all, family member Y and friend Z have said nothing at all.

If it were really a big deal, it would be worth mentioning, right?

Unfortunately with this issue I can’t just “trust my gut,” and decide for myself, since my “gut” feels with disappointment those four bites of Libby’s red velvet cake.

Enter Brady, offering a different perspective. Knowing that I had just spent last semester entrenched in Honors research papers, he suggested I analyze at the “evidence” I was receiving for both sides of this argument in the same way that I had evaluated the viewpoints on Roman and American military propaganda art. In my art history research, if twenty distinguished scholars argued for one side and two rogue scholars argued for the other, I would take into account the issues of number and credibility of the scholars in deciding whose side to take. Both University and good judgment had taught me to consider why there would be an abundance of research on one side (like…maybe it’s right? Or at least worth considering?). However, in terms of my own physique I was throwing my good research skills in the garbage—right along with the treats that my visiting teachers (and whoever else) would bring me—because…I was scared.

This fear of "What if people A and B are wrong and an extra five would lead to my ultimate fatness?!?!?!" was leading me to trust those rogue sources--because they were safe—if I listened to them, I would never realize my fear of gaining weight. No mas. In my research papers, if I would’ve pursued a more controversial yet unsupported theory, I might have began writing a seemingly more interesting research paper. However, in the end, the argument would’ve fallen all apart. And while it’s ok to have to go back to the drawing board on a research paper, I don’t want to have to do it unnecessarily for something as precious as my life. In my case, there are too many important things at stake.

So…what does my flight plan for the next few days say about emergency situations? In times of those depressing feelings of worthlessness and utter “fatkidness,” I will refer back to my reliable sources (there's a reason they're all on hand in that works cited page). I will look in the mirror and think of what family members A and B would say to me in that moment, how beautiful and loved I am. And instead of being my eating disorder’s defense attorney like usual, I think this time I’ll change clients and fight for the truth, the truth of my own beauty.

The Mirror Stage

2011-12-11T13:50:00.006-06:00

So...this past Monday I was reading something, and it completely shook up my perspective about the mirror.

I realized that what I see in the mirror is a reflection of my physical appearance.

No, I'm being serious! It is (except at White House Black Market, of course) a pretty accurate description of what I look like to the natural eye. Scoff if you must, but first at least read why this was so impactful on me. After all, I even waited a few days to see if it would still have its bite, which it does.

In the very first chapter of the Pearl of Great Price, God reveals himself to Moses. This helps Moses to gain a strong sense of divine identity, so powerful in fact that it enables him later in the chapter to cast out Satan, saying (sorry, Moses but I'm paraphrasing you for a second), "I'm a son of God created in His image; get out." Sometimes I feel strong like Moses, where after a great lesson in church about how I'm a daughter of God with great individual worth I feel very certain about how much Heavenly Father loves me - no matter my jean size. And then...I come home. To the Nordstrom catalogue, with all its wispy Marc Jacobs models in all their twiggy glory. I spend the next week in front of the mirror, comparing and hoping but never really matching up. It's as if, like Moses, I suddenly "fell unto the earth" (Moses 1:9). I'm in this cumulous fog of worldly images, images representing standards of worth. And I can't get out. Forget you, Little Train that Could, I think I can't. I can't I can't I can't.

Aargh! Moses, how did you stand so strong?!

So I checked it out. What did God teach Moses during this initial moments of chapter one anyway?

Some great lesson on positive self-talk? Actually, no. God chooses to spend the few verses during which He speaks (only five) to talk about...God. He says, "Behold, I am the Lord God Almighty, and Endless is my name; for I am without beginning of days or end of years...(1:3)." He then tells Moses about all His creations, the glory of His Celestial body, and about the Savior of the world. God knew that as Moses learned about God, then the learning about Moses will fall into place.

But...why? And how does that relate to my realization with the mirror?

It's because in reflecting on his encounter with God, Moses realizes that he beheld God with his "spiritual eyes, for [his] natural eyes could not have beheld" Him (1:11). Hmmm...I write this next sentence with care, because I'm not quite sure how to phrase it; I hope it's received in the right spirit. What really mattered (to Moses at least) about God, was what Moses could perceive with his spiritual eyes. Moses wasn't impressed with a physical reflection seen with physical eyes - Moses said that we can't even behold God this way anyway. We can only behold God with our spiritual eyes. And if we can only behold God with our spiritual eyes - not our natural abilities - then we also must only be able behold our divine nature and worth with our spiritual eyes, and not through natural vision. What do I see in the mirror? Not divine worth. Nope, not even a clue. So if my legs look bigger that day? Bummer. I should do some pilates and lay off the Yogurtland. But that is so separate from who I am. Does that make sense? I'm not the best at explaining things super-clearly. So as I'm closing my scriptures and kneeling in prayer that day, I make a resolution. I want to develop this “sense of sight,” of God and myself, with Heavenly Father’s help.

Notes from scripture study that day:

Iwould develop an ability to “see” God, or come to know Him, by…
· D&C 93:1 “Every soul who forsaketh his sins (i.e. repent) and cometh unto me (ordinances), and calleth on my name (prayer), and obeyeth my voice (obeys personal revelations and words of God’s servants), and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am.”
· I feel that as we do these things, not only does it prepare ourselves to see God, but also helps us to develop the ability to see ourselves and our own divine worth. Not just hear it or say it, but see it, and understand it. Then we no longer rely on our natural sight to see our worth; in fact, the things we would see in the mirror don’t reflect our eternal worth at all, it’s just what we see.
This makes me think of Mary too. Both Moses and Mary realized their divine identity and missions in relation to God and Christ. Moses learned he was the son of God, and Mary, the mother of Christ. The more glorious the description of the member of the Godhead (see v. 3(?) and Luke 1:30-33), the more the individual could understand his or her own importance since he or she was related to Him.
Also with Mary, Nephi talks about how beautiful she is. Maybe she was physically beautiful, that could very well be true, but wouldn’t it make more sense if the prophets were referring to her spiritual fairness (i.e. purity) and beauty (goodness of soul)?
To Do:
· Sister Tanner’s talk on “The Body,” “Daughters of our Heavenly Father,” and Elder Holland’s talk on “To Young Women”

A Few Things Tonight that I "Pondered in My Heart"

2011-12-04T22:03:00.006-06:00

Tonight in the Christmas devotional President Uctdorf told a story about when he thought he had ruined Christmas. He had put one of the candles, from his traditional German tannenbaum, a bit too close to the flammable drapes. He thought for sure he had forfeited his chance for gifts. He said that he realized afterwards that when we think we have ruined Christmas, it’s because we don’t understand what Christmas is really about.

I felt a lot of comfort in that moment. I realized that when I think I have ruined my life (like those mornings when I literally, as pathetic as it sounds, feel that I don't want to get out of bed), maybe it’s because I forgot the purpose of my life. I remembered that the purpose in my life isn’t to have life keep in time with my calender of events, to honor wedding venue reservations, or to avoid disappointing family—both Brady’s and mine. It’s to return to Heavenly Father, and along the way, to become more like Jesus Christ. That can be done no matter how dismal things may seem—in fact, especially when circumstances seem dismal. Like Elder Carl B. Cook taught this past General Conference, “…[M]ost of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us.”

I have seen the past week how true that is, not only the part where most of the sources of my worry is not eternally significant, but even more so that during the eternally significant challenges I face, Heavenly Father blesses me with strength beyond my understanding. Like today at Church when I felt His love literally fill me during the testimonies and lessons, and especially tonight at the Christmas devotional as my testimony of Christ’s divinity deepened within me and increased in importance in my life. I don’t understand how, but the prophets’ testimonies of Jesus Christ and a renewed resolve to increase the Spirit in my own life gives me so much strength. And I have another drop of Living Water along my (very purposeful) walk back home.

Understanding Abraham

2011-12-04T16:30:00.004-06:00

...I really hope this comes out in the right, proper spirit...if not, I'll be editing it soon...

In his self-titled book of ancient scripture, Abraham desired from his youth to receive the blessings of the priesthood of God. One blessing he particularly desired was that of eternal posterity, and this righteous desire approached realization in the Old Testament, when the prophet was promised to be a “father of many nations.” Despite years of waiting during which his faith was tested, in his old age, Abraham did receive his firstborn son, and he named him Isaac.
But now the trial of his faith took on a new angle, and Abraham was soon asked to give up his firstborn – and only – son, and he had the faith to be willing to do so. God asked Abraham to give up that which was most precious to him—or, to at least be willing to give it up—because, as President Hugh B. Brown said, “Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham” (in Truman G. Madsen, The Highest in Us [1978], 49). I’ve heard countless talks in church about our own personal “Abrahamic sacrifices,” the consecrations of our very souls and desires to God, but my understanding was so very limited and skewed by my mortal conceptions of sacrifice. What I didn’t know was that God would ask me, leave me with the decision to decide, and it had especially never crossed my mind that I would want what He would give me in return.

My most precious possession, what I work on and focus on, has always been my weight and appearance. Ever since I can remember, even before I was first hospitalized at nine, it's always been this...this fixation of great import. When I am honest with myself, it is my most important priority, and it's to what I devote the majority of my time and energy (physical, mental, and, especially, emotional).

I’ve always known that God knew that. Awaiting the time that He would ask me to sacrifice it, I would imagine the scenario: He would diagnose me with some uber-rare disease which makes me gain 45 pounds a day until I am over-sized and under-attractive and I hate myself. BUT! After which, I would finally understand that weight and appearance “aren’t important” (Does that sound crazy? I don’t know, fears can be so brutal sometimes). It would make me absolutely miserable on earth, but it would be the only way to be “more fit for the Kingdom.”
Stressful, eh?
Try imagining sitting through that at least once a year in a Sunday School lesson about Consecration.
Or when one of those “pesky” Ensign articles about Abraham's sacrifice appeared in my mailbox.
And then…Saturday night it came.
I’m not getting married this December. I'm...not sure when I am. Heavenly Father wants that...I work through this first, before binding myself to someone for eternity. Does that hurt? I...I didn't know that pain could hurt this much.

However, the countdown chain my roommates and I pieced together is now a symbol of hope that one day, someday, it’ll happen. Because now, Heavenly Father is giving me the choice between sacrificing something so dear to me—my control and fixation over physical appearance—for that which I most desire. In my heart, I want that which Abraham desired. I want an eternal family. I want a stalwart husband whom I love, and I want to be able to trust him when he tells me I’m beautiful instead of pushing him away because “I’m not thin enough to be loved” at that time because I ate way too much this weekend and don't feel good since my jeans fit a bit tighter and my face looks like a chipmunk to me.

I just don't want that anymore. I want to be able to envision adorable Janie and Jack-clad children without this panic in my heart that they’ll be the sources of my greatest weight gain.
So instead of feeling helpless (and lifeless, as I did last week), I’ve decided to write. As potentially tacky as this may seem to broadcast my personal struggles and triumphs to the public, I just….felt it would be a way to log the progress that I’ll be making. With the help of treatment centers at BYU and in Orem, and (very honestly) most importantly the love of the Savior, I want to found my self-worth and identity in something more true and eternal than how I look and feel.

10-Day Body Image Challenge: Recapturing Beauty

2011-10-20T18:12:00.003-05:00

I am beautiful because...

...I carry life in my heart.

http://byuwsr.blogspot.com/

I Think I'll Go to Boston

2011-05-24T14:37:00.004-05:00

I know my travel stars are aligned when the option for a two and a half hour layover in Boston opens up on Expedia, just as I'm browsing for a return flight to Salt Lake. Is there even a question? Shrugging the realities of a United Airways flight and a 6am-10:45pm circuit, I make reservations before any other New England-hungry traveler steals my window seat.

Weaving through the slower-moving travelmates in the corridor from my Charlotte-Boston plane, I run through logistics plans in my mind: "Street level to Blue Line bus route to Airport Station to Aquarium;" Logan International's hip-sounding middle-eastern telephone operator,Jaali, whom I spoke to a week ago by phone and whose action plan sounded so solid, seems to still be laying out my travel route in my mind.

Hmm...just in case...

"Hi, Sir," I quickly approach 'Phil,' a round, balding Bostonian at the ticket counter. "I have a decent layover in Boston today and I'd like to see some of the city's historical/artsy sites. Any recommendations?"

"Yeah sure, there's the Museum of Fine Art, historical sites along the Freedom Trail - how much time do you have?"

"About two and a half hours."

"Uh...sweetie that's not going to give you very much time. You gotta come back through security."

Omygoodness why do you men ALWAYS try to rain the 'reality' clouds on my travel plans?

"Why don't you do this: you go downstairs and take the shuttle to the Harbor. You have yourself a nice lunch - you can see the whole city, and you can be back in time for your flight."

Um...I saw the whole city from my window seat. I'm sorry Phil but I did not wake up at 3am to eat lunch. I thank him for his services, but leave them aside, and re-commission Jaali as my guide.

Ok, I am tearing down the stairs, hoping to jump on an already-queued bus en route to the train station, which I do. Money. On the way, my eyes are glued to the outside beauty of Boston. The trees - so green! The buildings - so brick! The streets - so perfect! Oh to walk amidst you! Soon, my dear city. Soon. My serendipitous self turns her gaze inside the bus. Hmm, my fellow busmates. They seem so sure of themselves, so professionally-dressed and content with their destinations. They must be locals.

Within moments I am mixed in with an assortment of locals - some schoolkids on their way home; some businessmen headed back from a late lunch; a few immigrant couples holding hands after a long day of house-hunting, ready to find their first American dwelling - all headed somewhere. A pre-recorded womans voice heralds my stop. Go up the stairs on your left, take a left at the top, pass through the market and Faeneuil Hall will be directly in front of you, Jaali instructs. You can't miss it.

Ok, I feel that I carry along certain expectations when I visit places. I have my presuppositions, based upon movies that take place there, people I know who are natives of, and songs that lyric the location's cardinal attributes (i.e. I have this idea that San Francisco must be the most romantic city in the country, since Tony Bennett left his heart there). But even with all these hyped-up notions, in all my - very modest, mind you - travels, I am never disappointed. Cities prove to match and then school my previous sentiments. Boston was no different. Slightly overcast weather coupled with gothic-style architecture, this place is like a Seattle-Manhattan hybrid - omygoodness they even have an artsy shopping district! I cross the street and am there in two. Ok, this is Speed Boston:Faneuil Hall district. The Museum of Fine Art is across town, so I settle for an auxiliary gift shop where I browse prints of privileged 19th century girls and watercolor sailboats. After examining a few trendy boutiques, I stop into Cuoio and purchase a knock-off Burberry headband, with funds which probably should have been used on a future textbook...

...oh who cares? I'm in Boston.

Next I follow the market to Faneuil Hall, a meeting hall that has housed speeches from James Otis to Samuel Adams. Omygoodness men gathered here to cultivate a spirit of independence from Great Britain. They sat in these seats! My bum is not worthy to rest here.

So I don't. But there's no time anyhow, I have to leave...fifteen minutes ago.

As I pass through security and collapse on the floor against the picture window of my terminal, I soak in my day. How chance. How refreshing. How...good for life to take the scenic route...every once in a while. I don't think my 23 year-old post-mission body can take another Montgomery-Charlotte-Boston-Phoenix-Salt Lake itinerary for another good little bit.

Except of course, if the layover is in D.C.

Coming Home

2011-03-17T22:11:00.004-05:00

Ride the roller coaster with me here...

The world has a host of questions for the Hermana Barker. Well frankly, World, Hermana Barker may not have all the answers you seek.

I don't know why I was sent home early on a medical release. I simply remember lying ill on my bedroom floor and my companion walking in - saddened at the sight, but not surprised - and gathering my head into her lap. Stroking my sweat-soaked hair, she whispered that she had just ended a phone call with President. That there was some place I needed to be, and it wasn't there.

...

I don't know how to explain in words how lost, afraid, and above all else how alone I felt. My life had just ended three months premature. So I cried, and my companion held me. Sixteen hours later, she embraced me for the last time, before President and Sister Beck personally escorted me to Phoenix International Airport, where I waited for a plane destined for the Lone and Dreary World - or so it seemed to me. iTunes was wanting a whopping extra forty cents per song, my (BELOVED!) John Mayer was travelogue-ing his pimpdaddyness in the sheep's clothing of a musical album, and Cosmopolitan magazine was there to help me realize I was worthless without Seven Jeans and a breast augmentation. Thank you Hearst magazines for ruining fragile self esteems everywhere.

And what would a lone and dreary world be without those dang serpents to bruise our heels...or try to date us before we are ready? Thank you Daddy for retiring within a five mile radius of the aviation mothership; like Daniel of old, I was chucked into a den (a.k.a. ward) of 10+ competitive-by-nature flight school guys - with no fellow females in sight (waving the white flag here). Where's an E.T. when you need one?

I...didn't know what I was to do at first. No, not on dates (although that is jumping back on a horse of it's own...). I mean with my life. The first few weeks, it was like trying to live out my mission again by sporting a white shirt and tie in the Mexican restaurant where I am the token English speaker, curling up beside my step-mom on the couch to interpret the Spanish flirtations in "Off the Map," and sending letters/carepackages to beloved missionary companions and converts.

And now...I feel like a post-trick-or-treating princess, sprawled over the floor and pulling out random goodness one by one from a plastic pumpkin basket (Ok, that was just a fun image that popped in my head, partly because I do try on my prom queen tiara from time to time). But I really do find that every day brings grand surprises. The kitchen crew at the restaurant have unofficially knighted me as their "Primita," I am a permanent emergency sub for Primary (p.s. small children like people with chocolate), and I even have a visiting teaching route! Yay! And my companion is the cutest!

And well to be honest, I don't know what the future holds, but I know that faith is for the future. That future helps us fulfill our purpose for coming to this earth "to fill our souls with love" (Elder Busche). It holds big dreams (any surprises there? :) ) of language interpretation, family, and a real Roman holiday.

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in his hand
Who saith, "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half, trust God: see all, nor be afraid!"

I do know that God lives. He is my Eternal Father, and your Eternal Father. Jesus is the Christ, and one day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess so. We can find Him in the Book of Mormon, if we so seek, the High Priest of good things to come.

Los Cambios

2011-01-18T08:41:00.001-06:00

Mom!!!!
I love you. Thank you so much for always e-mailing me back! It's always nice to let Hermana Kigueta know how you are doing and what you have to say. No worries, we're definitely safe here. I can't express how safe and just part of a family we feel in Montana del Sur. The ward members LOVE the missionaries, especially us sister missionaries. One hermano whose daughter's missionary farewell we attended told me he and his wife look at us as if we were his daughters. He asked for your and dad's e-mail addresses so he could e-mail you. So check your spam box within the next little bit :) They are also the same family who heard one of us was sick and so went out to walmart and bought juice, cookies, water bottles, and some other things I don't remember. And what I love about Montana even more is just how much love we feel from those in the community who know us, but who are not yet of our faith: the Food City cheese counter workers who always give us free samples, the security guards who always tease me for leaving my agenda/nametag in random spots, the receptionist at our apartment complex who smiles when there's a package for us. Also, absolutely LOVED everything you sent in the package - Hermana Kigueta and I split the cute handsanitizers, and it was kind of fun to see what Bath and Body Works had out this year for Christmas. I remember thinking how cute I was for working there.

12 Enero 2011
I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. We stopped in to check on Juana today. She's still not reading in the Book of Mormon or coming to church. She says she wants to and we can feel it, but she just has flojera!!! She has so much potential, we just feel it in her home, but Hermana and I talked about it and if she's not progressing by the end of the week we have to drop her. She told us she can find time in the nights to read, so I drew her a cute picture of her reading her scriptures with the moon in the background to remind her. My heart's going to drop if we come back on Thursday and her libro is still on top of her shelf. Claudia is special. She always has every good reason to re-schedule, or refuse an unexpected drop-by, but NEVER does. Today she was in the middle of eating dinner, AND we found out later it was her birthday, but she invited us in nonetheless. Her husband is a great guy, great dad, but just really not interested in God or in coming to church. I LOVE teaching these people. We left district meeting about goals and personal/comp study - SO answers to prayers - and then went to go knock doors. One family is really elect. I am so blessed to be serving in Phoenix. We talked to Soleangel today and she said her boyfriend is softening up - he even was asking her questions about the church. Woah, same boyfriend? Prayer and fasting changes hearts. Carmen's husband was great tonight too. He's saving up money for their marriage license. We'll bake them a wedding cake. Tres Leche, hands down.

13 Enero 2011
Hermana Soto and I were texting back and forth last night, and she told us she had just finished 1 Nephi and was now beginning 2 Nefi. Hermana Kigueta told me about a really special shack in northern Ontario, where her grandpa used to go hunting on the rez. When she went for the first time the wind blew open the door and it almost seemed to her as if she could still smell her grandpa. As if he were still there. That's how she wants to meet the Savior, not in a great mansion, but in a little shack like that. We read Enos today, and in his testimony he ends with:
"And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer, for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen."
Thinking about after this life, we really do follow Jesus Christ. When death comes, we, like He, will go to the spirit world, and preach unto those that have died. There we await our bodies, until our "third day" comes and we are resurrected. We will be judged according to how well we followed Him in this life - through baptismal covenant with our Father, through mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort. My church callings have opened my eyes to the different ways and people the Savior served. The desire in my heart is that I find the Savior at the end of His trail. That the wind blows open the door and I see His face with gladness and He says, "Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father." Then I'll be home.

14 Enero 2011
When we taught Carmen yesterday, Alejandro sat in. I cringed at a few of his caustic remarks, but soon realized his precense was a blessing. Carmen is all heart really understands what it means to obey God and have a pure heart - she thought we fast every Sunday, adn she was relieved when we told her only monthly. But she really struggles understanding gospel principles or what she reads. But Alejandro gets it. He really helped the rest of his family understand. At the end of the lesson, he invited us to stay for dinner. We had to decline, but set up a time for the week to come. When men want to make us carne asada, I know they're softening up :) Prayer and fasting opens the windows of heaven. We looked up some profiles on mormon.org. I like them, because you almost get to be a part of someone else's life for 4 1/2 minutes. Bobbie sent me a card today and it made my day. She told me she stopped by a cute restaurant on the way home one day. It was the first time she had done that since Eric died. She said it was nice and she'll do it more often. It made me SO happy, because she sounded happy. We knocked some doors on Alta Vista. Alot of non-interested people, but who gave us tamales de mole nonetheless. We found Juana en house. Solid. She read! She finally read! There is something different in her now. You can see it. She remembered about attending hte baptismal service tomorrow, and she's still going. I love having Hermana Delgado in lessons because she's a little elderly, and never really answers the question we ask her, but she always bears testimony from the heart. I think it does her a lot of good to get out of the house and all dressed up with us.

16 Enero 2011
Today we taught Principios del Evangelio. We felt the Spirit really strong. We taught about how Jesus Christ was chosen to be our Savior since before the world was formed. At the end a few members passed up to the front to give their testimonies of how the gospel has blessed them. I noticed, that in all three of them, Heavenly Father had sent the missionaries into their lives right when they needed them. Then we tracted for a bit and checked referrals. We were really sad that Juana didn't come today. She also didn't show up to the baptism yesterday. I was really confused, until today when we found out her husband won't let her attend church. He said they had their religion and she doens't need to get involved in another religion. I understand opposing feelings, but I wish he'd have an adult discussion about this. She told him though, that no matter what, she was going to keep reading the Book of Mormon and meeting with us. Before this week she didn't really read frequently. I think opposition ois going well for her; she's really seeing if this is really important this is to her. We contacted a couple of guys fixing a roof, and they were YAKIS! Hermana Kigueta and I shared a trial box of Cinnamon toast Crunch as we tracted Harwell until the sun went down.

Love,
Stefanie

Las Mujeres

2011-01-11T08:26:00.002-06:00

Dear Mom,

5 Enero 2011
We taught Leyda today at Hermana Jones. Teaching friends in members' homes makes such a difference. I didn't think she'd be any different - Mexicana, 3 ninos, Catolica. But she is special. She's a widow, and sees the love of God through her kids. When they're happy, she's happy. To her, Jesus Christ is a light. She feels like there is something missing from her heart but she doesn't know what it is. I remember feeling that way before I found the missionaries, but I didn't recognize how I felt until after it had been filled. I wonder how long I would've gone without the restored gospel before recognizing that vacancy. I think being a convert has it's perks for missionary work, but at the same time it's a lot more difficult; I feel it's easier to feel on the same level, but it hurts more when they don't get it or they're not willing to change. I'm just like, "I promise you can have this peace with you EVERY DAY if you are baptized. Just come to church, read the Book of Mormon, and pray. I know you're busy, but don't you think it's worth your time?" At the end of the lesson, we invited her to offer the closing prayer, but she said she couldn't. Ok, not the first time we've heard that. But before we could talk to her about her concerns, she told us she just can't speak. That ever since we walked in the door, she felt something different. Something in her throat that is just on the verge of crying if she speaks. I get to be the missionary that I had. I get to give that Spirit that I was given. Just by showing up. She gets it. I realized that Hermana Kigueta doesn't worry about how to present a baptismal invitation or how to initiate a street contact - she just does it. Doesn't have to flow perfectly. Afterwards we ate our lunch in the mountains and Hermana taught me about climate change and kryptobiotic soil. As we began knocking McNiel, a large black (omygoodness I love black people) 20-something year old was strolling down the street. He introduced himself as "The Godchaser." He's a rapper and he asked us if we liked rap music. Then he stuck his basketball between his knees and let his back pack slide off his shoulders. I thought a live performance was in my near future. But he pulled out two CD's and handed us each one. "I give you 'C.R.U.M.P. for Christ' and I give you 'Feel my Pain'" We talked for a bit more, then we invited hi to visit mormon.org and parted ways. But an hour later, after being badly rejected on Ardmore, we see him stroll up to us, Sobe Lifewater in hand. He said he thought mormon.org was cool, and then he rapped for us. We taught Claudia about the Sabbath. She really wants to come to church, but I don't think she'll come until her spouse comes. Arrgh! We ate dinner at Poncho's. Yummy veggie burritos.
6 Enero 2011
We brought Hermana Espinoza to Carmen's today - match made IN heaven. They really hit it off. We had picked up that Carmen misunderstood a bit about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, so we had planned on repassing over the Restoration and also helping her to get to know Hermana Espinoza. We really wanted to bring in the Spirit, so we began by singing "La Oracion del Profeta." Ok, usually Fabian is totally placated by the Spirit, but this time he kept letting out random screams until finally he was so ready for attention, during the fourth verse when we're singing the communication Joseph had with God, Fabian grabs Hermana Espinoza's scarf and ribbon dances around the sala. Carmen's nephew jumps up and hunched overly chases him. Oh, I was about to lose it. It's hard trying to be serious all the time. Especially when people say weird stuff on the street.
7 Enero 2011
District meeting created miracles today, because it boosted our faith and enabled us to make them. Tonight we (FINALLY!) found Josefina in casa. She was so hapy to see us as she waddled into the room with her cast-ed right foot. After her foot surgery we had dropped off a bag with "The Restoration" and "Finding Faith in Christ" DVDs along with popcorn and chocoalte - and she watched them. With her family. They had come home that night and, upon seeing the gift bag on the door, Josefina got really excited and proceeded to have her children sit down with her and watch them with her. She told us her spouse had reminded her of her Catholic roots, and asked her if she knew what she was getting into with changing relgions and all. She had answered, "[Joseph Smith] talked to the different preachers, and read the Bible, and he was confused about what to do - isn't that like me? Isn't that like all of us?" She told him how tranquil she feels about the tings we share with her, and how she knows this is the truth, and she is willing to make whatever changes, no matter how big, to do what God wants. WOAH her testimony is stronger than mine. She rocks.Ok, usually we're so anxious when we haven't been able to contact someone, because we don't know what kinds of things are going on with them spiritually. But this change was...good :) We taught with real power today. God has given us callings, and He does qualify us.
9 Enero 2011
I don't really know what's on my mind this morning, I just don't think I can read anymore of mmy scriptures before church. I read a couple entries from my journal aroudn this time last year. There is a really sweet special spirit there, a real desire to "become a missionary" was a common theme. I really still do want to "become a missionary," but I haven't had that exact phrase run through my mind all day as it seemed it used it. I think my idea of what that means has changed. I don't know if it's right, but...really, who does? I think it's someone who loves the scriptures - who uses them in her teaching and helps others simply feel the Spirit as they read. Who has faith in the Savior and seeks to do His will, not her own. Who understands the doctrine, not just "knows" the doctrine, and so when she teaches, there is understanding, not hearing. Who really seeks to serve and lift others. But, honestly, who just feels she doesn't get it sometimes.Who wants to love her investigators but...at times doesn't really know what that even means. Who is happy and enjoys life - who loves the food, the door slams, the marriage proposals, and the sunsets over South Mountain. Whose "eye single to the glory of God" isn't so much a forgetting of the past and of narrowing her mind, but in fact a broadening. Of a desire for everyone to come back to Heavenly Father and an understanding of how this work, this Church, this life does just that. Who can see how the Girls' Camp, General Conference, baptisms for the dead at the temple, CTR 7-8, visiting teaching, tithing settlement, missionary firesides - they all help us get back to Heavenly Father. My time as a set-apart consecrated representative of the Savior will end. But what is has given me, will never end. I know the Savior lives. I feel somehting that's stronger than sight, although I know that the day when I do meet Christ face to face my heart and feelings will be over-filled because His Spirit will be all about me. When I read "The Living Christ," I feel He lives. WHen I hear President Monson speak in Conference, I know this church is guided by Him. I know when I read the Book of Mormon and the Bible, that those prophets communed with Him, just as sure as I know that Joseph Smith communed with Him and God the Father that sacred spring morning. I know I will commune with Him when I pass through the veil and that my knee shall bow, and my tongue confess, that He is the Christ.

Love,
Stefanie

El Ayuno

2011-01-04T09:15:00.002-06:00

Dear Mom,

30 Diciembre
Carmen's husband is really special. Each time he opens his mouth, hurt oozes out, usually towards other people and especially those in his family. Last night we taught The Law of Chastity to Carmen with Presidente and Hermana Lopez. Presidente had told us beforehand to cancel the other cita we had scheduled that night, that this one was going to take a while. "You need more than half an hour to change someone's mind about their marriage status - you can't just flip that tortilla over and think it's done; you have to prepare the masa, work the masa, and form the masa before..." By the end of the lesson, Carmen's smile said it all - she wanted the kind of security marriage would bring, the kind that even 25 years and 4 children couldn't. But the fly in the metamucil was that she had an arranged marriage in Mexico when she was fifteen shortly before she met Alejandro, and she didn't know how to find him in order to separate and legally marry Alejandro. We stopped by today with Hermana Jones who had been through a similiar experience, and after talking with a few lawyers via telephone we found out the marriage was annulled - she was legal! Alejandro had always said he couldn't marry her because of her previous marriage, but now that could be a family! Yay! Alejandro walked into the kitchen and we told him the good news, but his response broke our hearts - "I don't want to marry her. I won't get married until I find a hardworking woman, and I haven't found one yet." Um, ok. I stopped flipping vunuelos and just stared at him. Everyone cried, and Carmen had to leave the room. This morning when we came to visit her she saw us and started crying. But we taught her fasting, and I bore my testimony of the power of fasting to soften hearts. Ok, so it wasn't as spiritual as we thought it would turn out...we were actually laughing by the end of the lesson (she thought 24 hours was a bit long, even to soften the heart of Alejandro) but I love how willing she is to act.
We drove the office, but on the way we stopped at Salsitas. There was a man who bought a homelss old man a huge burrito and a torta. The homelss man was SO grateful, he just gobbled it up. The man told me he did it because it could be him, and he would like for someone to do that for him.
31 Dic '10
Woah best New Year's Even EVER! We had to be in our apartment at 6pm, so Hermana Kigueta and I made crepes for dinner and then added nutella and bananas for dessert. Then the four of us danced to Hermana Ayala's EFY CDs. We wrapped up the evening by the pool, enveloped in our blankets telling stories. Ok, Arbor Village apartments is where all that is wrong in the world goes to live. Walking up the stairs to the first set of doors, we were greeted by "F you freak" (edited) spraypainted on the concrete step. Awaiting us at the top was a little boy who claimed to adore the devil. What do you say to that? Wow, you're cool. Mess with the sister missionaries. The next set of doors began with a creepy grudge-like figure peeking out the crack behind pearl eyes, with a young child in a white t-shirt and dark hair perched on top of a nightstand against the back wall. Creepiness oozed from the door. Ok, actually that's Hermana K's version. I just thought we had woken up a really sleepy Asian. The creepiness was his ticked-ness. The first woman who let us into her home was scandolously-clad in a bathrobe, and turned off "Silence of the Lambs 2" so we could share our message. She wasn't interested, and...to be honest didn't listen to us very closely when we were talking, but happily donated chocolate to our cause and wished us well.
Gabriela talked about how she likes coming to church because she has more peace in her life. It's really painful finding out certain things in the lives of our investigators, because you see their worry, and their concern. Her 14 year-old son now has a pregnant girlfriend. Her husband's release date from prison keeps getting pushed back. At the beginning of my mission I thought, "What kind of people are we teaching?" And I wondered why they couldn't have "normal" lives. But now I realize - these people do have normal lives. These are real people. This is a normal life in Montana. In South Phoenix. These are the challenges they face. I love nto having the antsy borehdom that came becore the mission. These people have taught me that it doesn't matter what my take is on "The World is Flat" - what kind of resolve is Sacrament meeting going to make in their broken lives?
1 Enero 2011
How would my investigators' week be different if they thought about the Savior more? I know it's important, but it's not always super-easy, and it helps to have reminders. In Moroni 6, it reads of how recent converts are remembered once baptized into the church of Christ. But I found that it also teaches how our investigators remember Christ. The Holy Ghost is a constant testimony of Christ, the scriptures tell of his life, prayer puts our will more in line with His, and service opportunities help us to live like He did. All this is part of renewing our covenants. Only at church can they receive all these. I love church because if we look for the Savior, we can find Him. As I come to more fully understand that, my desire for those I teach to attend church grows.
2 Enero 2011
Carmen waited all through church to tell us, at the end of Relief Society, that Alejandro decided to marry her! She shyly told us she had "unas buenas noticias" and that something had changed and this morning he told her he'd raise the money to get a marriage license. Fasting WORKS. Not ony did Alejandro receive a change of heart, but I really felt that I drew nearer to Heavenly Father. That's something I'm trying to do, to put Him more forefront in my life. It's odd to imagine, but I feel that I've let myself get so busy with missionary work that I've let slip the closeness I once had to Heavenly Father. I don't want to be so cynical anymore. I read a scripture today in Alma 37 that I just really connected with on that. We taught Principios del Evangelio today, and it was really special teaching that "God is Our Heavenly Father." I really felt everyone had more of a testimony afterwards, and understood the scriptures more too. And we taught two teenage girls today that didn't believe in God, but by the end one of them prayed.

Love,
Stefanie

Feliz Navidad

2010-12-28T09:03:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas!

Oh how I LOVE Hermana Kigueta! She changes my world, everyday, because she helps me see the world differently. This week was a week of miracles. It was definitely a really challenging week, and full of surprises. I jumped out of the car the other day to chase a peacock, when a swarm of them showed up on the wall. They're so pretty! But they're not very fun to play with. Speaking of fun to play with, did you ever receive my birthday package I sent you? Oh! And I'll be calling Papa's house at 8:00/8:30 Alabama time this Christmas, will you let him know? K, I love you!

15 diciembre
Special day. I felt I could just sit in district meeting al day long as Elder Faulconer told us stories about...everything. He's just hilarious, and I want to be his friend forever. When we had first come into district meeting, he had an object lesson where we had to choose a yummy piece of bread with butter and jam, or a rock. The only condition was that we asked. As I was munching raspberry jam from Fresh and Easy, he read from 3 Nephi 14:7-11, where if when our children ask us for bread, do we give them a rock? No, we give them bread. It's simple. It's like raspberry jam from our district leader. It's like prayer. I loved it because I realized I always feel Heavenly Father gives me things to see if I'll "remember to thank Him" or to gauge if I'm "grateful enough." But I learned today that there are no strings attached. It's simple. Omygoodness we taught the CUTEST little kid and his sister today! We've taught his mom before so we stopped by today to see if she was home. The first time we had met Luis, her little nino, he had just finished buying more chips and candy from the ice cream truck than he could carry in his arms. He's short, round, and has the goofiest most innocent CUTEST smile ever! I think is has a crush on us. Adorable! We walk into his trailer today and he comes out of the kitchen, stirring a cup of Ramen Noodles. When he sees us he stops dead in his path...and smiles. "Whatcha making there?" we ask. "Ramen?" [Looks down at noodles, looks back up at us, never losing his smile] "...Ssssoooooop." I love gorditos. Claudia was home tonight, as was her husband! He doesn't believe much in God, but...the Spirit just works. Anyway, but the end of the lesson he offered a kneeling prayer, followi the guidance of Jesus Christ in 3 Nephi 18:21 - "so that [his] wife and [his] children will be blessed." So...Hermana Kigueta and I pray around 4 pm to know where to go. We felt we needed to go to Cris' home. And...how's about she had a feeling she would have company today so she made food - what? So...we dined on Torta de Pollo, sopa, and agua de naranja...de casero. Yum yum yum.

Love,
Stefanie

La Noche Buena

2010-12-28T08:35:00.002-06:00

21 Diciembre
We received a call from the English elders who are teaching Carmen's daughters - they told us Carmen is keeping the word of wisdom and is so much happier - her daughters were telling them how completely different of a person she is. She came to the dinner for Relief Society and it was really special to see her interact with the other hermanas. K, best excuse EVER: she told us she wasn't at church on Sunday because she had had a headache from not drinking coffee - she didn't even get out of bed that day. K, forgiven.The last house on 23rd Place was Mrs. Clause, but tan. She gave us fudge and cookies as part of our bathroom stop.
24 Diciembre
I just read in Alma 24. This is my favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon now. Not only did it teach me what it means to BE Christ-like, but it gave me reason to believe the statement in Preach My Gospel:
All that is unfair in life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
The Lamanites here in Alma 24 are a hardened people. No chance for happiness. They are wicked, idolatrous, and like to kill people. Their brethren, the Anti-Nefi-Lehi's, are recent converts, and as part of their conversion swear off - forever - the use of their weapons of war. The Lamanites are ticked about their conversion, and so ride over to the land, intent on inciting war. While they are racing over in their rage, the Anti-Nefi-Lehi's are...covenanting. They make a promise with God that I wonder if they ever thought they would actually have to live up to. More than a covenant, it's a prophecy of the future:
"...that rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives; and rather than take away from a brother they would give to him; and rather than spend their days in idleness they would labor abundantly with their hands."
The Anti-Nefi-Lehi's went out in the peace of the day, and in the peace of having just made a covenant, to a large stretch of land just outside of their village. They laid themselves on the earth in the act of praying unto God. Now in race the Lamanites, unaware of the covenant that had been made. They begin to slay the praying converts.
I think when I make promises, I'm so full of ideality and hope at the time, that the bad doesn't seem so close or immediate - it barely has possiblility of existence. Maybe a comitment to a job or a calling or to be a friend. The marriage vow to love "in sickness or in health." Good times or bad. Times of plenty or times when even cartoon shapes add no appeal to the mounts of boxed macaroni. I might ask myself, "What was I thinking? Now I'm bound by obligation!" But in that moment, I hopefully realize, "No, I made that decision, because I made it when I truly saw things clearly. When my view wasn't obstructed by quirks or let-downs. When I saw eternity." I've seen that with Hermana Kigueta. She LOVES me. She would rather lay down her pride than pick up her sword. She's still full of hope, and she sees the end clearly.
The Anti-Nephi-Lehi's had changed their name at the time of their conversion, but really...they had taken upon themselves the name of Christ, because they acted as He did. As He chose to give His life rather than beak the covenant He made with His Father to save the world, these Ancient Americans chose to die rather than renounce the covenant they had made to lay down their weapons of war. "That rather than shed the blood of their brethren they would give up their own lives."
"Now when the Lamanites saw this, there were many whose hearts had swollen in them for those of their brethren who had fallen under the sword..." The Lamanites were converted. Seeing that example of love and devotion to God was probably the only way those hardened Lamanites would EVER have a chance of listening to the Spirit and accepting the gospel. Yeah, the Lord "worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people." The Anti-Nephi-Lehi's gave up their life so someone else could believe. "...rather than take from a brother they would give to him..." And now the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's are in the Spirit World, "labor[ing] abundantly with their hands" to preach the gospel to the spirits encarcelated there.
I want to be better at keeping my covenants with God. To always remember Christ and be more like Him. I know that the Atonement makes all things that are unfair in life, right again. His conquer over sin the the garden of Gethsemane allowed the Lamanites, and me each day, to repent of my sins and avoid spiritual death. His triumph over the tomb raised those faithful converts to a promise of a resurrection.
25 Diciembre
Yay best Christmas ever! We woke up and ran the mountain run. Then we came back and had a companion study where we read different parts of the natividad from the Bible, and whenever we got to a scripture that reminded us of a Christmas hymn, we turned to that hymn and sang it. Then Hermana Kigueta called home to Canada while Hermana Okeson and I baked Christmas cookies. I got to talk to Hermana Kigueta's parents. They really like me and want that I live with them on Vancouver Island. I could marry a Canadian. I like pancakes. Then we opened presents. The best was sharing spiritual messsages about the Savior's birth and cookies to the appointments we had that day. We doorbell ditched cookies and presents at different peoples' homes, but the best was caroling for La Familia Devian. They gave us Guatemalan tamales. Then we went to the chapel to watch the Joseph Smith movie and drink Abuelita with the other misionaries in our district. I LOVE our elders. They are such great people. I called home and it was SO good! Hermana Kigueta really likes Nick. She thinks he's cool. Papa and I talked about my childhood love of Madeline, and so that triggered him tellling me what a big part of his life I was during my childhood, and that I made him really happy during a time where he otherwise wouldn't have been. Wow. Best Christmas gift ever. Then we came home and ate yummy gingerbread men cookies with milk. I 'm wearing the pajamas Hermana Kigueta's mom sent me - LOVE them :)

Love,
Stefanie

Feliz Cumpleanos!

2010-12-14T08:25:00.003-06:00

Dear Mom,

Ok, best week ever, hands down. I had taught the little Primary kids in Enterprise and this week I received a packet of 30 handmade construction paper cards thanking me for serving a mission and expressing what the gospel means to them. A couple of my favorites were:
"Sis. Barker, I weil like to tell my testimony the book of MorMon is fun to raed."
and...
"Dear Sis. Barker, I want to be a mishonery when I grow-up. I have a testemony I would like to share with you, I'd like to ber my testemony, I know this church is true, I know that when I prey I can fell more close to my Heavenly Father. I fell the Holy Gost when I read the scripters, and I say these things in the name, of Jesus Christ, amen."
Cute, eh?!
Speaking of Primary, on Sunday we taught Primary, the 7-8 year olds - SPECIAL kids!! One in particular, Hector, stole my heart. I think he's the son of an investigator family, because he was in t-shirt and jeans and when we asked "To whom do we pray?" he answered, "Jehovah." How do I even describe him? Based on the initial appearance and actions at the beginning of class, I thought he'd be a problem child, but as I saw him genuinely compliment his classmates, and as I worked with him teaching him to draw cubes and to spell "honesty" on his paper, I saw a really tender spirit - a spirit I don't think is noticed/acknowledged in his home.
Later that night we went to the temple visitor's center to pass around the gardens and see the lights. Carmen, a LOVELY mother we are teaching, came and it was SO good to see her open up socially to the hermanas in our ward. They were hilarious on the ride back in Hermana Jones' Yukon. Alma, whose baptism I recently wrote of, shared an impromptu testimony with her, and Ruben, Alma's husband, referred one of his friends at the visitors' center. Solid.
We had passed by Alma's on Friday to sing "Feliz cumpleanos" and give her Tres Leche cake and she was really happy! She shared how little Rubencito and Yitzel had sung Happy Birthday to her in every little moment, and how this was the first year they were old enough to understand that it was her birthday. When Ruben came home, the ninos shouted "Ok Dad, let's go buy mom her cake!" They had planned it beforehand but had kept it a secret from her all day long.
Speaking of birthdays, did you ever get my birthday package?
K well I'd better go but I love you muches, k?
Love,
Stefanie

La Luz de Navidad

2010-12-07T09:22:00.004-06:00

Dear Mom,
Do the Christmas lights bring back any fond memories of setting up icicle lights on our house, or of hours spent hunting down the perfect tree in Stinson's Tree Farm before hanging up those collectors' ornaments? One thing i remember about you and Dad - you always sought to make Christmas special for Nick and me. I am so grateful for your example, and one day your grandchildren will be grateful for the difference you made in my childhood. My companion's ancestors are from a native-Canadian tribe called "Ojibwe," and she speaks the language fluently. She taught me the word for father, which is "n'osse," literally it means "one who leaves tracks in the snow." I like it because I think it applies to mothers as well, and just like tracks in the snow, a mother's example is clear, but one has to be looking to see it. We had a really special walk through a graveyard in the inner city the other afternoon, Hermana Kigueta and I. It made me realize how centered my life was before on how I looked/how much I weighed. The majority of my thoughts and habits revolved around that goal. What a burden. As I looked at the different life-lines engraved on the tombstones, I realized that after this life is over, no one loooks back and defines life as the quest for fitting into a size 2.
"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter. It is the little shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. " ~ Chief Crowfoot. It is knowing the right time to sneak out and slip presents under the tree. It is baking another oatmeal chocolate chip pie because...we just finished off the first, and the night is still young. It is leaving tracks in the snow...
Last night the President of the Church and his two counselors spoke, and President Uctdorf counseled that as we focus on the Savior's birth and on others during Christmas, the season's joy not only endures, but perpetuates into the new year, until one day we He comes. We then, like the Grinch, have a change of heart, and we no longer ride the thrill of materialism - or worse, long for the season to be over. I really want to be better at remembering my Savior this year, and express more gratitude for the love I feel from Him.

30 Nov
Sister Kigueta and I had a really special walk through a cemetary this afternoon. I'm...pretty much in love with her. I love learning about her and she loves learning about me. She told me that she always feels uplifted by our conversations. We took a wrong turn and drove through DOWNTOWN PHOENIX! Woah now the buildings were SO tall I had to turn my head to see the top. There were such diversity of people too - I even saw a black person!

1 Diciembre
We had a lesson with Carmen this morning. She is so tender! We were teaching how to keep the Sabbath Day holy and towards the end she began to cry. We had no idea where it came from, but we just sat in silence and let her emotions come out. The next thing we know, Hermano Devian, the member who accompanied us, shot us a knowing smile and then started talking about how he used to dream about the devil. !Man overboard! !Abandon ship Hermano! But...then she nodded and expressed a pressing concern for her family. She calmly told us how that her daughter had had those dreams but ever since the missionaries began coming, the dreams stopped. She knew this was a good message. Ok, why do latin americans get all the good dreams - and how do they know what they're all thinking??? Is it the menudo? I'm not sure if it's worth eating... ...We have a really yummy chocolate marshmallow popcorn ball that is super gooey. The sky today looked like and orange version of the northern lights. A lady we taught today really reminded me of my mom.

3 Diciembre
Where is the love? Omygoodness it is right here with Hermana Barker! Today was my fifth 'anniversary' of being baptized, and I got to spend it at the Arizona Phoenix Mission conference - in the Mesa Arizona temple. We had this beautiful bike ride for exercise this morning, eating frozen banana and PB in the kitchen with the hermanas, packages for Hermana Kigueta ( I got presents from her parents too!), Hermana telling me how beautiful I looked in the temple, eating grapefruits off the trees in the temple courtyard (Jesus ate corn on the sabbath?), Ramon's doing great - his wife is learning from the missionaries!, riding up to the temple in President and Sister Beck's Lexus (we were the LUCKIEST missionaries that night!), art recommendations by the temple sisters, President and Sister Beck's hilariously cute one-liners between themselves on the ride back.

Love,
Stefanie

Good to a Name

2010-11-30T09:51:00.003-06:00

Dear Mom,

27 Noviembre
Alma and Ruben were baptized tonight! They were SO happy! For the first time on my mission, even with all the baptisms I have attended, this was the first one where I was made to think of my own baptism. When Alma entered the water, I knew how she felt; I remembered so clearly how I felt when I was baptized. It was so long ago but right now as I'm writing this, it seems like it just happened tonight. When the members gave their short talks on Baptism and on The Gift of the Holy Ghost, it was as if no one else was in the room - their thoughts were directed to Alma and Ruben. Elder Mortenson (mine and Hermana Kigueta's FAVORITE missionary) baptized Alma. He was so humbled and estatic when she told him she wanted him to baptize her, and his humility showed through in the baptismal font. He doesn't have a lot of confidence, and he doesn't know how much his quiet example influences us for good. That was such a tender mercy for him, I think. Alma and Ruben actually followed the example of Jesus Christ by being baptized. Their only motive and desire was to keep his commandments and bless others. Although this was their day, they blessed us with their love and spirit.

28 Noviembre
We knocked on an old, beat up metal screen door this afternoon after church. It was freezing, and I was delighted when the senora immediately let us in. Short in stature, bright eyes, and without any sign of a smile, Graciela told us how her husband is in Mexico right now, and how she really trusts in God. We had a prayer, and for some reason I felt I should share a scripture in Moroni, about not being weighed down with unfavorable circumstances, but rather being lifted up by a hope in Christ. In the middle of the verse she stopped to ask us what a word meant - I didn't know how to explain it, so I do what I usually do in spanish - I act it out. I put my scriptures on Hermana Kigueta's shoulders and pressed down to illustrate that something was "weighing her down." Ok, Graciela couldn't even focus on the rest of the verse. She immediately began to sob and told us how she had been having an affair with a married man twice her age, and how she just felt so weighed down by that burden and knew it wasn't right in the eyes of God. Just recently, she had left him and told him she didn't need him anymore, she didn't need his money anymore. She had consequently told her 20 month year-old daughter: "It's ok my daughter, God will take care of us now." She had been praying that morning that God would send a message to her that day, and she knew we were true messengers from God. Wow. We taught her how she was a daughter of God and that her body is divine, created in the image of God, and that she was worth so much. She felt the truthfulness of that statement and affirmed it with "!Andale!" Being good to her name, she went on to show us why she didn't need the man. She had her home, an old, cold trailer home with two beds laid on the floor. She showed us to her kitchen to show us her new business. She opened the fridge - inside was completely bare save an almost-empty gallon of juice, a carton of eggs, and a tupperware of marinating meat. A native of El Salvador, she was going to sell papusas for two dollars a piece to feed herself and her daughter. "Look, how much food I have." I left that house warmer than I had entered. Her front door seemed to empty us out from a warm safety into the lone and dreary world.

Love,
Stefanie

Lo Que Nos Importa

2010-11-29T09:12:00.005-06:00

Mom!

So this is your strategy nowadays, eh? Tempting me to come home with shopping? :D Mom, I really do appreciate what you write back each week. With e-mail and letters, you never know if someone thinks that what you wrote is interesting enough or worth reading. So thank you a lot. Your letters are always really thoughtful. I love you a lot :)

19 Noviembre 2010
Woah. Woah. Woah. Two weeks ago we were speaking spanish to each other in line in the post office when this black guy dropped the F bomb on us for wanting to speak "their" language. Jerk! Racist! Those are MY people! Well, fast forward to today when this same man saw us on the street and called us over to apologize! But we started talking about the gospel and...he's got a long way to go. This self-acclaimed "Thug" communes with God often, but thinks He lets him slide for selling drugs to people because he is only trying to do them a service. "Don't the scriptures talk about loving your brother?" he says. Oh, ever-pressing is the need for the light of the Restored Gospel, so men won't be tossed to and fro on the doctrines of men. And, how's about at the end of our conversation he wanted to attend church - in Spanish. Ok, what? Next: we stop for a potty break at a Panaderia, and when we ask for a sample (because so numerous were the options that we didn't even know where to start) they give us each a full-size sweet - and they are HUGE, dense, and very sweet. Mine is the cutest - pink and yellow layers of sweet bread filled with strawberry jam and covered in lemon glaze. Of course, there are sprinkles. Even better, they're totally interested in learning more about the gospel. Later we go to the capilla for the Thanksgiving dinner - NONE of our investigators came, but the members really did their part in bringing friends, woah. Almost half were visitors. Hermana Kigueta's mom sent us Christmas presents. We each have a big stocking filled with 25 presents that we open beginning Dec 1.

20 Noviembre 2010
I was really meditating this morning on what I'm doing wrong. We meet people that are just SO elect, with such great questions and beliefs. The Spirit's really strong and I just know they're going to read and go to church and get baptized. But then, they're suddenly too busy to meet or won't let a doubt drop, etc. So we make more frequent contact, involve members more, try different teaching techniques - not perfect, no question about that, but we try. But still, we have a pretty high rate of turnover. And we're the turnovers. I was reading in Mosiah 27, where the angel appears to Alma the younger in response to the prayers of his father. Alma is subsequently converted and becomes a great missionary. Ok, what made Alma's father's prayers so special? No doubt Lehi prayed much for Laman and Lemuel - an angel appeared to them. But no change. I don't know if we can judge success or quality of prayers/dedicated service to the Lord by results. So then I read in Alma 40 about patience. Alma teaches that we develop patience by what we do, not by what we feel. I mean, yeah we control our feelings, but mas o menos, let's be honest. We have chemicals, hormones, we're going to have roller coasters of feelings - that's normal. That's...human. But We can devlop patience by our thoughts and actions - but not responding when others persecute us. By remembering that one day we will rest from all our afflictions. We don't change ourselves, we can't redeem our character. But Nephi teaches that through prayer God can consecrate our acciones. So that our work can be for the benefit of our souls - who we are.
Every single appointment feel through today BUT we had dinner with the most beautiful family - La Familia Delgado. In terms of earthly posessions they don't have much, but we sat down to a delicious dinner. She stood by the stove and chatted with us about her family, her life, as we happily struggled to cut pollo frito with white plastic knives. As she told us how she came to know the gospel was true, we learned that she left her home and furniture and family to come to the states because God told her to. For that, she loves the Book of Mormon. She found a lot of peace in the story of Lehi, where he left all his precious things in Jerusalem to come to the Americas, simply because God had told him to. For that, we are blessed with the record of his family's dealings with God in the Americas - the Book of Mormon.

I love you. I'll write next week! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,
Stefanie

Finding Paradise

2010-11-18T08:18:00.001-06:00

Mom!
I just wanted to say thank you, for everything. I think you are such a great mom, and I feel so blessed to have grown up around your example of service. You always made Nick and me feel special, and that we could do anything we set our mind to. Thank you so much. I'm starting to believe that.

9 Noviembre
Today we expected miracles, and we saw them. One of the most precious was our lesson with our young married couple. As Sister Kigueta taught the importance of following the prophet, we sat back and watched as each person present - including the investigators - took the initiative to bear his or her testimony of the living prophet or of the prophet Joseph Smith. Each with their own unique experience and way. I loved that. I was in awe at their growth. The change we've seen in a matter of weeks, from when they were sitting on opposite sides of the courch set on leaving eachother, to now, where he put his arm around her, as she got teary-eyed talking about how they want to be baptized and how they know this is the next step for them not only individually but as a family. As we were leaving, little Rubencito, with his winter coat and toboggan puffing out cold air, ran across the parking lot to hand us a box of Mexican cookies - the LOVE us!
I'm taking up bagpipes when I go back so I can play "Praise to the Man" down the streets of Provo - and the WORLD.
10 Noviembre
Hermana Kigueta's family is a Native American tribe from Canada called Ojibwe. They have the BEST stories! When we're tracting, if I practice enough Spanish words with her she tells me a story. It just gets in the way when people actually answer their doors.
13 Noviembre
I love cheese. We stopped by Food City to buy an ounce of queso panela atop a free sample tortilla for dinner before our cita. Yum. We turned down 8th street today, and found ourselves in a different country - Little Paradise. Where mature overgrown citrus trees line an endless road of dirt and brick. Where there are no cars, and the only sound is the chilly Arizona autumn breeze. Where hombres gather on Saturday afternoons around work tables, to cut and clean farm-raised chickens. Middle-aged hispanics with sun-wrinkled skin who laugh at my jokes (i.e. "!AY! Mataron mi pollito!). Where grapefruit grows with invitations to pick-your-own. We had an appointment, my friend, and had to leave. But we will meet again.
14 Noviembre
I love the Book of Mormon. To me especially beautiful is the translation process of the book. Each day, Joseph was able to receive the power to translate scripture. Just as Joseph was taught from on high to translate the ancient American characters to English, God teaches us to translate the scriptures to our personal lives and challenges. The invitation is to ask, seek, knock. Some of it will not be a literal translation, as was the Reformed Egyptian. I have never read that my personal worth as a daughter of God is not dependnt on my weight or clothing. But as I lose myself in this book each morning, I understand what my Heavenly Father wants that I know. That book has a small cost, but it's worth is precious to me because it has taught me who I am, and who God is. It reminds me of Nephi, when he wanted to understand the meaning of the tree of life of which his father dreamed. In the scriptures, the angel never answered Nephi directly; instead, he showed Nephi in vision the life of the Savior. In the end though, Nephi understood. "Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?" asked the angel. "Yea," responded Nephi, "it is the love of God." I feel like that's how answers are sometimes - not direct. But instead, Heavenly Father takes us around about, always with some experience with the Atonement of Christ, to answer the desires of our hearts. Is the Book of Mormon true? Yes. Does it answer the questions of the soul? Always. Why will it bring us "nearer to God than any other book"? Because it shows us, in a roundabout way, the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And that is the only way we will come unto God.

Love,
Stefanie

I Love Phoenix!

2010-11-09T08:59:00.003-06:00

Hey Mom!

I love Phoenix. This is honestly the best. One of the best things is knowing I get to spend the whole day with Hermana Kigueta. It's funny finding out what things I say that she thinks are funny. She gets my sarcastic sense of humor - a girl after my own heart :) The view of the city is gorgeous - especially at sunset. Sunrise runs over the mountain can't compare, and free samples of hot fresh tortillas at Food City make great dinners - especially since we don't have time for dinner appointments. People LOVE that we speak Spanish - especially the guys. I get lots of marriage proposals - usually from 20-year olds with a little too much alcohol in them. I would never live here after the mission - I'll never be protected from harm this much not being a missionary - but for now, it's my little splendid life.

1 Noviembre
Ok, woah. We taught a young single father today - cool story. We had met his brother the first week here in Montana. Really good guy, but he preferred English so we referred him into the office and went on with our Mexican-speaking lives. Then last week the elders gave us a referral and when we went to go check on it, we found our friend sitting there! - really drunk - BUT! His brother (our teachee), who prefers Spanish, was REALLY interested! Today we taught him the message of the Restoration and bore our testimonies of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and the Book of Mormon. He is gold. To be honest, I can't remember a word. I just remember how thick the Spirit was, just this warm feeling of truth and peace; how perfectly everything fell into place; and how solid his questions are. At Noche de Hogar tonight the young couple we're teaching shared THEIR testimonies of Joseph Smith. They are solid.
2 Noviembre
So...this couple are basically already solid members of the Church. Tonight we had a lesson in their home, and the husband took the role of the head of the household - haha I loved it! He was like, "Well, thank you everyone for coming tonight. We will begin with a prayer..." Then he proceeded to call upon his 6-year old daughter to offer it. I was thinking, "Alright then Hermano, !andale!" And when Yitzel was without words to say, he whispered in her ear.
3 Noviembre
Me: I'm freezing, aren't you cold?
Hermana Kigueta: No one in Canada gets cold because we have brown fat. You should get some.
Me: I don't want your Candian fat. My fat's red white and blue.
7 Noviembre
I don't think anything beats homemade Mexican food on Fast Sundays. Flour tortillas and pozole.
We had passed by on Wednesday to help the wife of the young couple write her son's Primary talk, but we didn't need to at all! Her 'rough draft' was so good! The Primary President told us tonight that the Spirit was so strong during the talk, and that it was an exemplary talk for the whole class. They WANT to be baptized. They want it because they want to follow Jesus Christ and become members of His church. They are elect.
The young single we're teaching came to church today, but it broke my heart. I'll admit, I'm not my best person when people have doubts. I'm just like...I didn't have doubts. When I did, I just...I knew God had told me the Book of Mormon was true, and I knew how at peace and how right it felt, to let it bug me for long. So when those I teach flip out because church is on Sunday instead of Saturday I just feel like going "Vayase! Go! Go into your room right now and talk to God. Ask Him what he thinks about eating a pork chop, or about tithing Do you want to live your life according to man's interpretation of the scriptures or do you believe that Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith , and that from then on every decision from the prophet concerning this church has been by Divine design. Go pray. I'm taking the training wheels off, throwing you into the deep end - now swim. If you aren't serious, there are people who are. Who are hungering. Longing. Wanting. In tune enough to know that something is missing. Do you know how I felt spiritually before I received this gospel? I had just assumed that God was supposed to feel vague and distant - a literary spiritual mystery. But when I attended Sacrament meeting for the first time, I felt and recognized the presence of my Father in Heaven. I knew Jesus Christ lived. He wasn't a name. He wasn't a wishful creencia. He is a living Son of God, Whose influence can be discerned in the Church, so much that it can't be denied. Tell me, please, after experiencing all these things - how can you doubt?" The parables in Jesus' time were often scrutiznized, and taken out of context or too literally. With the Hidden Treasure - WHO CARES if the man bought the land without telling the owner about the hidden treasure. Point blank: are you willing to sell all you have, without haste, to have this eternal treasure? Or are you going to love your details so much that you miss the mark? That you miss the Savior?

I love you Mom. Hope your birthday was fabulous. Until next week, take care :)
Love,
Stefanie

Me Encanta Ver El Templo

2010-11-03T11:12:00.001-05:00

Mom!

Happy Birthday! Yay! I was so happy to read your e-mail! I hope you had a nice time at dinner, that restaurant has always been one of my favorites. Actually...I think we go there for everyone's birthday, eh? I promise after you taste authentic mexican cooking, we won't need to go to restaurants for anyone's birthday - you'll just ask for me to cook :) Ok, I have like 2 minutes before time runs out so I'd better go. I love you!

27 Octubre
Apparently I just don't do this car thing. I got it towed in La Joya, and tonight I locked the keys inside - while the car was still running. The safety device wouldn't let me lock it with the switch on the door and I just thought, "Stupid door," and mashed the lock by hand. The assistants were on their way from Glendale with our spare keys, when the obispo figured out that the window was rolled down a crack, and so we stuck someone's car antenna down through to roll the window down and unlock it (my idea!). Today was a pick-your-own fruit day while we tracted. A woman gave us a pomegrante off her tree, but it wasn't very good. Hermana just thought it wasn't ripe yet, but I think it was old. But a nice old man gave us a bag full of yummy limes.

28 Octubre
We had a leadership-training meeting today, and I was SO excited because I was the only Spanish sister their so I was able to teach with Elder Kleme an assistant to President! Yay! I finally got to do "splits" with an ayudante - my dream! Oh! We talked with La Familia Domingas about their trip to the temple visitors' center with the couple we're teaching. They LOVED the temple! They were really close to eachother on temple grounds and they LOVED the Joseph Smith movie! They said their favorite part was when everyone was sick in the camp and Joseph Smith healed all the people. They both bore said they know he is a prophet of God. She said when they had dropped off their little ninos at Paulina's house, they recognized her from Primary so they ran to her, instead of being scared/really attached like normally. It was the first time she's ever left her kids with ANYONE, but she felt such peace she wasn't troubled throughout the evening.

31 Octubre
I love Hermana Kigueta. She told me stories today from her tribe. We have really been pondering lately how to help our investigators have the desire to come to church. Especially a family who have expressed that they really want to be baptized. Today in Moises 5 I reflected how Adam and Even felt about their Heavenly Father as they were obedient to His commandments. I read how they worked by the sweat of their brow and began the family of the earth. Then, in verse 6, the angel of the Lord comes to Adam amidst his obedience and asks him why he is offering sacrifices. He simply answers that he knows not, simply that the Lord had commanded him. It wasn't the phone calls or the lessons or even friends Adam had - Adam's love for God was the only motivation he had. I realized this was what had been missing from our planning - helping our investigators love God, and seeing how their love grows as they keep His commandments.

Love,
Stefanie

En el Corazon, Estas

2010-10-26T09:04:00.002-05:00

Mom!
Sorry I didn't e-mail you last week! I thought I would write you a letter instead...and then I fell asleep. But I am sending a little something for your birthday this week so will you look out for it please? I love you a lot, and I hope you enjoy my journal :)

17 Octubre 2010
One thing Hermana Kigueta has taught me is that sometimes as a missionary...you just have to forget your manners. Today we passed by the Castillo family to make sure they were coming to church. Their gate was locked with big scary chains (a 'duh' in that neighborhood) so we had to climb the fence - in our skirts. Being in South Phoenix, I was wondering if the neighbors would get suspicious, but then I realized they would probably be too interested to see if two white girls could jump. We spent the rest of the afternoon tracting our a trailer park nearby some referrals. We were contacting on the stairwell, when a young woman calls us into her apt. "Y'all are missionaries?" she asks us, and then starts to tell us her story. The mission has been the biggest wake-up call to the lives of others around me. The news now has faces, and names, and feelings. This one is 20-years old. Within these two decades she has had three, 3-year relationships, and has a three-month old baby girl. The first boyfriend was so abusive he threatned to kill her because she came home and told him she wanted a dog. Welcome home. The second cheated on her fifteen times and together, she became pregnant, but the baby died in her stomach. He subsequently moved on to the next woman. I can't imagine the pain she feels. The current is really controlling - won't let her go out with friends, but she said it's better than before - at least he will pay her bills. I had a sick feeling in my stomach as we left. I asked Hermana Kigueta to say a prayer with me on the side of Central to make it go away.

19 Octubre 2010
We taught a young married couple in South Phoenix tonight, and my heart about broke. It really hurt to see them ready to leave each other. There is a lot of hurt and mistrust. They told us their story, and we just listened for a good 20-25 minutes until Hermana Kigueta bore testimony on how God wants us to have united families, and how the Restored Gospel does that. We shared scriptures, and we felt so much directed help from the Spirit. We just knew what to say. TOwards the end of the lesson, they were both more calm. A spirit of hope was inside the room, and the Holy Ghost burned in our hearts. Heavenly Father loves them a lot. The Savior's teachings in the Book of Mormon really helped a young Mexican couple begin to heal.

21 Octubre 2010
We found this part-member family, where the husband is Navajo and he gave us magical torquoise cookies. They were good, but they kind of reminded me of Play Doh. I love the Plan of Salvation. I have really tender feelings when I think of being so close to God before this life. I love that during this life, we can follow Jesus Christ - follow his example and become like Him. To be baptized, to bless others, to pray often. I love that His example is one we can follow in this life, and that He helps us to do it. He knows the way out of sin, sorrow, and death, because He has been there. When we follow Him, do as He did, we are finding our way back home.

22 Octubre 2010
Today at Food City a man asked, "Do y'all work here? No? Oh...y'all are lookin' all successful and what not. Well..." [turning to me] "You look like a little kid trying to be successful...[turning back to my companion]..well, she abo't half-way there." We had every one of our appointments cancel today. I swear we meet people and the next thing we know they're in the hopsital with the gripa. We ate dinner with a lovely woman who is coming back to church. She's really struggling with something that I have gone through. I understand her in a way I never would have before. She says things, and I know the feeling behind. It really had taken me to my personal Gethsemane, but in it I have made soul mates.

23 Octubre 2010
Hermana and I had a nice companionship inventory on our balcony to wrap up tonight - all snuggled up in the ottoman chair, a blanket, and Preach My Gospel. She asked when she gets on my nerves the most. I told her when she's the most perfect. I think every single one of our lessons fell through this week. We even confirmed by phone/in person the night before! Members were waiting at the chapel to show how wonderful it is! They were waiting in their homes with fresh baked cookies! The flu is either an epidemic or a really good excuse. Perhaps both. But I feel like I understand a young couple we're teaching, and La Familia a little more. As Elder Chipman was telling us some helpful background information, I realized how peoples' lives, intentions, and actions are so spider-webbed and complex. I couldn't stand on judgement day to judge anyone. Everyone has their story behind their motivations and where they're at in life. We taught a Marshalese family today. The grandma...looked exactly like my own. Yeah, I'm living with islanders the rest of my life. These kids were so well-behaved - the just all sat around and listened to us testify of Joseph Smith. They were naturally beautiful. And they laugh at eachother when they get hurt - like when one fell of the porch. That's how life needs to be. Laughs, instead of band-aids and hydrogen peroxide, for scraped knees.

24 Octubre 2010
Elder Chipman received our weekly numbers and asked us for our plans for improving member-present lessons this week. I rolled over in bed and screamed.

Love,
Stefanie

Montana del Sur!

2010-10-12T08:42:00.002-05:00

Dear Mom,

Thanks for your box! I'm already using the make-up bag. Ah! I love my life! My journal entries will answer all your questions :) Oh, and I have lots of pictures...but these computers here aren't working with USB.

5 Octubre
Unreal. The elderes who took over La Joya Sur are SOLID - mi Tio and everyone couldn't be in better hands. And...I'm in Montana del Sur! I'm SO excited! I'm still with Hermana Kigueta! It's a brand new area for sisters - like not in 30 years have they had them here. Right in south Phoenix. We meet with Elder Chipman tomorrow to find out about the area. I'm exhausted.

7 Octubre
I am still amazed at how the Lord puts us where we need to be each day. Our appt at 6 fell through, and...we didn't have a backup. We decided to visit people on the Potential Investigator sheet on the street we were parked on. One of the addresses turned out to be outdated, but it led us to a LOVELY woman who had begun coming to church again. She opened up to us a TON. She really has begun to put her life together how she wants and needs it to be, and she bore personal testimony of the happiness that comes when we are obedient. She said so many times how her goal was the temple. I like that, because she didn't say what I usually hear, "Oh, I know I should return to church...it's the right thing to do..." She feels a need to return to the covenants she made with God. The temple is calling her. We talked about eternal families in comp studies! Our prep in study helped us to ask her how she could prepare to have an eternal family. She is SOLID. She's going to do marvelous things. The Spirit was really strong.
The ward loves us!!!!!! They love the hermanas!!!

8 Octubre
My companion told me today that she didn't care if we didn't meet anyone else the whole day, she wakes up every morning, grateful to spend the whole day with me. Ok, that kind of tugged on my heart a bit.

10 Octubre
I'm not sure how much more of this "being nice all the time" I can do. I just want to punch someone sometimes. especially other missionaries.
Today we an activity in Relief Society where we each said one thing that is difficult for us. One young mother we're teaching said, "El acercarse a los demas." I knew I loved her instantly for a reason. I'm not going to complain anymore about that being difficult. I feel like, because of it, I understand her better.
I think, somehow, "la mira puesta" is charity.
We passed by some fresh lime trees, and...we kind of had hunger. But I had just studied in Jesus the Christ that morning, that according to Mosaic Law, passing travelers can eat from crops - just as long as it is to satisfy the present need o sea, no to-go boxes. So we ate. And they were really yummy.

11 Octubre
I really want to better wear the Savior's name. I'm really not the best at being a representative of Him. I was reading today and thinking about when we are willing to "take upon ourselves the name of Christ" at baptism and confirmation, and just how my family name helps me to remember "who I am" and how I should act. I think it's the same with the name of Christ. That covenant helps me remember who I am and how I should act. Who I am in relationship to Him. It's like the succession of kings in the Book of Mormon - everyone who became king took the name of Nephi, to help them remember what kind of king they should be. I could be a little kinder.

Love,
Stefanie

Trasladada

2010-10-04T15:25:00.002-05:00

Hi Momma!

What!? I'm getting transferred? Mom! I'm getting transferred! But...I love a few people here...

30 Septiembre
My 'Tio' who was baptized in August is back from Mexico! Finally! We ate dinner with his family tonight and I laughed SO hard - I had forgotten how much I missed being together withall of them. While in their home, eating bbq chicken, homemade guacamole, and frijoles afloat manteca, I felt as if I were in my own home, with my own family. Not that they are similar to his family (haha, at all), just that I felt and feel so comfortable at that table, amidst their jokes and sarcasm. We met Sean today at the bus stop. He is traveling all around the US and BC to find himself. I hope he does.
Me: "Do you remember what it means to repent?"
My 9 year-old investigator: "If I jack someone's purse, I need to return it. That's what you said right?"

1 Octubre
We passed by our little nine-year old investigator, and she and her primitas wanted copies of the Book of Mormon and pass along cads to give out to their friends at school. Alright. So we role played with them to help them explain what it is and why someone else should accept it. She said, "Because it will make you feel good." I like it.
Man at bus stop: "The devil, man he comes in many forms to trick us. He came in the form of my son one day"

2 Octubre
We were making General Conference stops to investigators/contacts in between sessions, and we stopped by a former investigator to invite him, but he just opened up and told us how pushed he had felt about baptism and how he just wanted to learn first. He then counted to us that he was reading some in the Book Mormon that week. Oh snap. There's promise. He invited us inside and we began to listen to how he just feels more "a gusto" at the Catholic church and how his mom found out he was taking the discussions and she's like, "Tu eres Catolico! Que haces?!" He then expressed again that he wants to learn. So we shared a little from both the Bible and the Book of Mormon, and...I'm too tired to explain it, but it just...worked. There was a really sweet spirit and he wants to meet with us again. He's awesome. He's going to get baptized.

3 Octubre
Conference thoughts:
"You become what you want to be, by consistently being what you want to become." - Elder Richard G. Scott
Be grateful that an answer may not come for a long time, for during this time character is strengthened.
"Those who reject organized religion, reject the work of the Master" -Elder Dallin H. Oaks
"Gratitude unlocks doors of Heaven, and allows us to feel the love of God." -President Thomas S. Monson

Love,
Stefanie

Pollo Campero

2010-09-28T08:47:00.003-05:00

Hey Mama,

So...not to be cheesy but I think my love for you has grown a lot since I've been out on the mission. I've lived in Japan and I was studying in Provo for forever, so it's not just the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" lema. You're really special, and I appreciate how much you care for me and what you do for me.

But...I'm getting teary-eyed and I'm low on mascara anyway so I will proceed to share my thoughts on religion and Halloween before sharing some journal entries. And sorry for the digression but on P-days my built-up sarcasm throughout the week just needs to come out. First of all, I don't understand what's so bad about Halloween. My companion told me it's because it's a Pagan holiday. Oh...ok. Well guess what, so is Christmas. Oh wait, before I proceed I should inject a smile, because people always think I'm seriously upset about something when I'm really just kidding. Ok, softened up in your computer chair? K good. Next: Why is more "holier than thou" to have your children participate in costumed candy peddling in a church parking lot than the same act...in neighborhoods? What? Sigh. Oh, I feel so much better. Ok, on with my awesome week.

23 Septiembre
The best feeling is going to bed at night full of the love of my Heavenly Father. We ran back into una familia that was just SO golden when we met them, but was just impossible to set up appointments with for so long with family visits and moving and work. We just had to stop by tonight. The oldest son (oh, the one that was apologizing for not having bathed! Do you remember?) and the youngest son took the time to listen. They listened to our message on prayer and on the Restoration. They're going to pray. I feel they came closer to God.

24 Septiembre
We contacted for...six hours. This "talking with everyone" certainly does slow down planned activities, sometimes. We had planned on getting down to Van Burean and contact former investigators, but never made it past McDowell. But I felt we were where we needed to be. Oh! Mario! I love this kid! He works in landscaping at one of the complexes on McDowell, and we saw him with his work buddies conviviendo with paletas de helado. We had invited him to church for last Sunday but he hadn't come. When I saw him I said, "USTED!" He laughed but responded that he went to the one more closer to his home. And he took one of the amigos de trabajo. We proceeded to commit the rest of the '94 broncho party to attend this Sunday. They are going. When we met Maria Luis, she seemed closed off. She had her head down, no smile, and was texting waiting for her sobraina's school bus. I thought she was avoiding us. But when we disrupted her text, she looked so greatful for a conversation. She just didn't have light and she seemed to have a little more hope afterwards. She has diabetes and other healthy issues, and I think that's really taken a toll on her. From what it seems, the sickness really takes over your schedule, your day, ayour activities - your life. I think I take my healthy body for granted.

25 Septiembre
I remember my MTC teacher telling us how surprised he'd be if a missinoary came back, and he wasn't a little weird. I don't know if I will be. Before the mission, I didn't know how to talk to people. How to have relationships with people. How to just...I don't know..be instead of worrying about saying the perfect thing or doing everything right. I've learned to meaningful it is to learn how to connect with someone's soul. To really try to begin to get to know someone intimitely - their fears, their background, their desires. Their goodness. I don't find happiness in lonliness anymore. It's still a struggle to be around others all the time, I won't lie. It's relaly painful still during the day when I'm less than kind or don't bear my testimony to someone as clearly and powerfully as I would have liked. But those aren't the only things I remember during the day anymore. And I don't want to just push everyone away and hide because of it. I was thinking of dyc 4, where what qualifies us for the work is "faith, hope, charity, and love, with an eye single to the glory of God." I think as a missionary, as a commissioned servant of Christ, what brings me the most spiritual power is a focus on these qualities. Focusing on the fruits of the Atonement - what is beautiful in the mission - instead of the effects of the Fall - and having doubt, fear, uncertainty, and intense criticism. That's what helps me keep the Spirit. That's what helps me have my heart in a place where my mind be single to the glory of God. We taught a woman today who said she would really like to receive guidance on how to keep her family together. I feel like there's a lot of uncertainty in her life right now. We taught about the Sabbath day, and how the Savior wants that we prepare our minds before coming. I wonder what these people think and feel when they begin to act on this message. I wonder if they cherish the feelings and thoughts they receive each lesson like I did.

26 Septiembre
Chimichangas are like Mexican eggrolls. We met a familia from Colombia today. She is a refugee, studying here, and is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.

This is a foto at "Pollo Campero," our Guatemalan fast-food find. It's not authentic.

Love,
Stefanie

La Esperanza

2010-09-21T08:45:00.002-05:00

Mama,

I just want you to know I love you. And I think you're beautiful. And everyone wants a picture of you because you're the only person whom I don't have a picture of :)
So, I was studying hope this morning. Reason? In short, I was mad last night. I wanted to crawl into my cynical old prune-faced hole and kick something kind of mad. Instead, I tried to be a little more adult and wrote it all out in my journal. But I think when I resort to my little cynical hole, I stay in my hole, and it really prevents me from reaching out and lifting others. And even worse, and more honestly I guess too, it takes my heart out of the work. So, I wanted to give that up to God. I wanted to be more hopeful. Also, another sister missionary in our apartment was really discouraged, and she just started crying to me. I love her!!!! She's been in the same area the whole time in her mission. She's a hard, hard working missionary and she truly loves the people and can testify of the Savior like no other. But she hasn't really found the people who are searching for the gospel. She believes that so much has to do with our faith and desires and our skills as missionaries, and so that discourages her when she measures that against the results of the work in her area. This morning, I found a scripture I thought was speaking to her. And although you're not a missionary out here Mom, I know it can apply to you. We all have important work we're engaged in.
There was a reference in Hebreos 6, and so I checked it out. I loved it. I love the new testament and the imagery and the writing style. To be honest, I don't know who's speaking, but, a lo mejor, he's talking to the Hebrews (just a guess). He says, " For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister." He goes on to commend him for his example of faith and patience and diligence in gaining those unseen (yet hoped for!) promises of God. I think there are many times when we lovingly serve someone, and we don't see any promise or hope of change. Or rather, that our efforts are making a difference in the life of another. I can imagine parenting can be like that (I don't know, just a guess) But I love how he compares hope to an anchor of the soul: "It was impossible for God to lie...which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast." Ok, so we know Heavenly Father has promised us certain things, and many of them, we're still waiting on. But he can't lie, so this anchors our hearts.
Ok, so I think our boats are our hearts. Our hearts in the work in which we are engaged. (And sometimes, can I just say life is stinkin work? :) There are some that have their heart in life, and others, it's just not there). Ok so...when the storm comes, if there's no anchor, the boat floats away. That's not the case with our bodies. When storms of trials and tests come, our bodies are still here. I don't get transferred because all of a sudden an area is difficult. But if hope isn't my anchor, my heart certainly does transfer itself - right back to BYU, or the MTC, or even just a previous transfer in the mission. But when we have hope, the boat of our heart, if you will, stays solid through difficulties. Solid, believing and expecting that good things will occur. It works through difficulties with confidence and tranquility that all things will work together for one's good. I know that's true. I know hope in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, gives us a motivating hope to genuinely find satisfaction in life. Life becomes better. Worth living and breathing and taking advantage of every second. Life becomes life.
So, I'll end where I began. I just felt like the whole "losing yourself" was a big joke. I am still, number one in my thoughts, desires, etc. I'm the most important person in my life, and you know what, it's hard to think of the majority of my investigators during the day. It's hard for me to love everyone I meet. I feel certain connections with some people. They're solid, but that's it. I'm sorry I don't have charity for "Jorge", who quite frankly, was about to get punched for hanging up on me for no reason Saturday night. I know where you live. I know where you work, Fed Ex boy. I also know you let us come back because you thought I was cute. But I know, I am going to serve you with all diligence until the Lord blesses me with the ability to love you even as He does. Because He wants you back. And you need to get back.
That's all for this week Mom. Sorry for not including journal entries, but I just needed to write today. Send me pictures!!!!

Love,

Stefanie

Being Clean

2010-09-14T08:36:00.002-05:00

Momma,

I had one of the best weeks on my mission! Arizona is beautiful. Probably the most beautiful place on Earth. She's really getting into my heart, and has become my home. I was really praying last night and this morning for direction. I really wanted to know where I was with the Lord in keeping my mind on the work. I have to admit I've been pretty distracted this week from all over, and I just wanted to know where I was at. I had a really good study about it, and one reference to Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon, but I am running out of time. I love you Mom. I know this is God's work. This has been the most important thing I have ever done in my life.

10 Septiembre
Today was a day of miracles. The previous two lessons with Benji, something just didn't feel right, and we couldn't figure out why. We had always asked how his Book of Mormon readings were going, but today we stayed a little more on that. Hermana Borrows asked a question, and his answer made me think. The Holy Ghost gave me a really strong impression to ask "Does your not understanding what you read in the Book of Mormon make you doubt if it's true?" He answered yes before I even finished the question. Doubt on the table, Spirit poured into the room. Boom. And the scripture Hermana Borrows had chosen, Enos, made him say that God hadn't spoken to him like He did to Enos or to the other prophets, and so how could he couldn't believe it was true. We read from the D&C, and how the "voice of God" is the still small voice - the Spirit. The burning in the bosom. The feeling that something is "right." THIS is the Spirit that guided Moses to lead Israel across the Red Sea. That same Spirit talks to us. And he said he had felt those feelings before. His next question opened up into what we had planned on teaching that day. It was a lesson. He received and asked by the Spirit! Scriptures and questions and doctrine just fell into place. It gave me a testimony that Heavenly Father has the perfect lesson plans, and that by the Spirit we can tap into them.
11 Septiembre
Benji's baptism was today. He's a bit introverted, and tends to keep his emotions to himself. Today I worried the WHOLE baptismal service - "Oh, the piano's kinda slow" "Not a lot of ward members" "There's a bug in the font, I hope he doesn't see it," "How is he feeling????" But, after he was baptized, he smiled at me, probably for the first time, afterwards. I asked him if he felt like a new person, and he responded 'yes,' in a tone more serious than I had used asking him. When I asked Elder Giles, who baptized him, if he had mentioned anything in the dressing room after the baptism, he nodded. I gulped, hoping it wasn't doubt/disappointment. But he told me that after they had come up out of the water and hugged, Benji whispered in his ear, "I'm clean. I'm really clean."

Love,
Stefanie

El Progreso

2010-08-31T08:20:00.001-05:00

24 Agosto 2010
I received Sister Borrows today - soon to be Hermana Borrows :) She was called to serve in English, but they changed her call today when she arrived in the mission home. She is great. I thought I would faint yesterday when President told me I would receive a new missionary, but all today I just couldn't stop thinking about her and praying for her. What will she be like? Will she be native? She has a strong testimony of the Savior, studied linguistics at Dartmouth before the mission, and likes to run. I loved her almost instantly. Well, she's not native hispanic, but she is native of Canada. And today we were able to have a lesson with Adela, and the Spirit was SO strong! I was able to see how, although she had never met Adela before, she was able to receve revelation specifically for her. Dinorah said something in Spanish, and Sister Borrows didn't understand a word, but her comment in English at the end of the lesson was exactly what needed to be said. Adela said she felt love. She felt love. Thank you Heavenly Father. I hope some of that love came from me.

26 Agosto 2010
We tracted into Alan and Lupe. They're from Nicaraguauaga k I don't know how to spell it. They allowed us to come in, and then we set up a time later on the night for a church tour. He stopped and noted the Articles of Faith that was hanging in the hallway - he read them over and over and over. He wanted paper to copy them. He said it was different than things other churches say. It was more solid. More true. We gave him a copy of the pass-along card. Hna Borrows asked me how I knew to tract that street. I didn't really know how to answer her. I guess I really am being guided by the Spirit.

28 Agosto 2010
We've started eating lunch at public places like bus stops, so we can talk with mroe people, and I feel it's really helping. We are put in a lot of willing peoples' paths. Before the mission, I thought I knew what it meant to be a leader, but I think I just knew how boss people around. The best thing is watching Hermana Borrows be so excited to learn. We have a 'mini MTC' for language study each day, with this humungous white board and verb conjugations. We practice during our morning run, where she kicks my butt as I try to keep up with her. I think I'm getting old. The Spirit was so strong in Eric's lesson today. He really does want to know if it's true.

El Diario

2010-08-25T08:59:00.003-05:00

Hi Momma,
So... planning out what to share each week is too stressful, and I always feel I didn't really end up sharing what I had planned. So, I'm just going to copy some entries from my journal and see how that goes. Tell me what you think :)

17 Agosto
Juan is getting baptized this Monday! We are fasting for his strength, and that his family supports him. We had a lesson with Maria, just about the Savior. Sister Beck couldn't make it because of weather by the mission home, but she bore her testimony on speaker phone. She practiced her spanish all day to be able to do that. I wish I could express how I really feel about the Savior. It always seems there are never the words that carry my feeling.

18 Agosto
Roberto made my day! We had a lesson with him, alone, and he asked the most humble questions about who God is and where he lives. He opened up SO much! I think he really felt the Spirit. The HOly Ghost was the Senior companion in that lesson. We also met "Rocky" a homeless man outside of the shell station. We bought him an agua, a hot dog, and some wet ones so that the flies stay away from him. I just...love Hermana Schwenke.

19 Agosto
We stopped by to cenar with the Hermana Gonzalez. She really gave us the best food she has. She even made us homemade horchata. We visited with Brooke tonight. I just felt such a connection about her. She opened up to us about really personal things, and I felt really humbled. Her son crawled over to sit in my lap. Hermana joked with me later, because I just don't know what to do with "little people."

20 Agosto
I think I always looked at my investigators' progression in terms of "checking off" lists. Are they reading/praying/going to church this week? K, check. But they are progressing...within, more than anything. It's something that can't be measured on the teaching record, by a tick. They are a different person. That's what I think true progression is - leaving behind things that are past, and becoming more like Jesus Christ. Yes, my investigators are progressing. I was reading in the Book of Mormon today where the Lord commands Lehi and his family to leave Jerusalem, to be led to a land that would be shown to them. I pulled an Hermana Schwenke and took time to ponder the chapter. I realized that the stories in the scriptures always ask for una salida. Like Abraham being commanded to leave the land of his fathers, Lot leaving (Babylon?), and Nephi later on in the Book of Mormon being commanded to leave...again. Moroni's closing invitation in the Book of Mormon is to "come unto Christ, and be perfected in him." How great imagery then to have the book begin with people leaving. I shared that with Hermana Schwenke, because she's about to go back to Australia. I think great progression and success await her, but first, the Lord has commanded her to leave.

Mom, I love you. I've got to run. Sister Schwenke is going to the mission home today....

Love,
Stefanie

En el Barrio

2010-08-22T13:40:00.003-05:00

Dear Momma

So...I accidently pressed 'shift' instead of 'ctrl' at the end of my e-mail to my mission president, so I had to completely re-write it so...this e-mail might be a bit short.

So...Saturday began with me thinking it was like, an hour later than it really was, and so I was scrambling around the apartment to throw some water bottles in my bag and gathering my scriptures, It wasn't until we got to the car that I realized what time it really was, and my companion just laughed at me. "I was wondering why you were so stressed." I was like, "Oh...well can we check the mail then." So Hermana Schwenke pulls out some letters for her and COMPLETELY misses one...yay it's for me! So then she asks me why we had planned to have Windows of Heaven tracting for three hours on, the hottest day of the week. But we did find three families who would like to have us come back. Oh! But there was this one man who I must tell you about. I think you get told the most interesting things on a mission. This man proceeded to tell me, in Spanish, that I don't have much going for me in my face or body, but my eyes speak of innocense and purity. I think if I weren't a missionary, I would've been a bit bothered. He then told Hermana Schwenke how her body was "grande." That she is a woman of...oh I don't even remember but he proceeded to tell me how much more experience she has (with her many years) and how I have so much to learn (being so young). Hermana Schwenke was like, "She has 22 years." "Yes, only 22 years." he said. "Yeah, and I have 23." He went on, "Yes but YOU have 23...oh wait...23?" We DIED laughing. This guy was just full of it.

So...this letter is very short. And probably not the most uplifting. But I hope it brightens your day. The people we are teaching are so great. They really love us, and we love them.

This was a picture we took of our dream home Hermana Schwenke and I are going to fix up. I'm sure we can do wonders with $60 grand start.

I love you Mom. Have a splendid day!

Stefanie

Vuelvate Como un Nino

2010-08-10T14:00:00.003-05:00

Hi Momma!

Church alone was an adventure this week!

Juan missed Sacrament meeting because his wife was sick, but as he came in towards the end as we were singing the last hymn, we didn't even recognize him at first - he had on this spiffy white shirt and tie! He is such a stud! We met up with him later because HE wanted to know when WE could pass by and see him this week, and he told us he signed up to go put lids on stuff. He signed up to volunteer at the church cannery in Mesa! Ok, wait, I have to tell you about this lesson we had with him earlier this week! We taught the Plan of Salvation, wherein we lived with God before this life, and that we're here to have happiness and to progress, because one day we will have the opportunity to live with Heavenly Father and our families again. He is...willing. Willing to believe, willing to do, willing to become. He is like this king in the Book of Mormon, that says, "If thou sayest there is a God, behold, I will believe," and later, "I will give away all my sins to know [God]." He is...as a little child. So I just had a thought. It's like...now, with you Mom. I think I'm more willing to listen to your advice, and what you tell me to do, because it's beginning to "click" with me, that you, just want that I am happy. I believe you. I think that's why he's so willing to do "submit to all things that the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." Because he understands.
To me, there is something endearing about those who are genuine, humble, and pure in heart. I just want them to be happy. Juan is pure in heart. He is as a child. He is repentant. He is perhaps more ready than I am to meet God. When we asked him at the beginning of the lesson, "When comes the day that you meet God again, what class of man do you want to be?" His answer? "To be like Christ." When I think of him, I think of "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
O, sorry I'm kind of out of time! I e-mailed pictures to Papa and Dad before, but I had SO many other things to write!!! Ok, I'll try to tell you about it later. And I hope this made sense, my letter, because I plan out what I'm going to say but then my mind just goooooes. Please remember I love you!
Oh! Randomness of this week:
*Excuse of the Week to close the door, "Oops, sorry my grandchild just fell."
*"Do we get the same body? Oh, I want a different one - one in smaller size"
* My strawberry carmex melted and exploded on my skirt. Thanks, O Sun.

Love,
Stefanie

El Cambio

2010-07-29T20:50:00.002-05:00

Hey Momma :)

Thank you so much for doing that! My face will thank you :)

Sorry this is taking until Thursday to write, but we pushed our P-day back so we could go to the temple tonight.

So...I have a new 'Tio.'
Ahhh...he is one big lovable teddy bear. He is the biggest jokester and I could write a dictionary with all the Spanish slang we learn from him. We shall call him, Roberto. He taught me what a mighty change of heart is. We had given him a church tour, and asked him to read a pray about the Book of Mormon. We passed by last week with a friend from church, and we just felt this ediying feeling in our minds and hearts as he read to us the verses he liked. He then told us that he prayed. He asked if the Book of Mormon was true, and that he got his answer. After that, he told us throughout the day he didn't yell at his wife, or anyone. He has a real fear of falling into old habits, of being the person he used to be. We shared a scripture that the Holy Ghost works a mighty change in our hearts, and that after baptism, that Spirit works in us continually, so we are changed until we finally have no desire to do the bad. He then told us the day we had knocked on his door (the day we had just met him and set up this appointment), that he was sitting on the toilet. He had met with missionaries YEARS before, and just happened to pull out his Book of Mormon. That's when we knocked. I love that story. He told us he learned to read through the Book of Mormon. The missionaries had used it to teach him how to read. I can't describe it...he's just...different. There's a change in his eyes. A change in the way he used to be before. He's more confident. He was always outgoing...but now it's something different. From within. And he's still changing.

And...this is me.
Sometimes I think I am an emotional water balloon - the smallest prick and I just begin to cry. I have begun the habit of crying...every morning during companion study, when we share what we learned during personal study. I just think, "What's going on? This scripture didn't touch me that much when I read it?" One morning I was reading a chapter in the Book of Mormon, and I read a verse that says, "And he has created all creatures for this end, that they repent and glorify him." I thought about Kimberli, this little girl in the Monte Vista area. She was 2 or 3 years old, and I her mom started to come to church after dating a member. The only thing I thought about them for so long was their lack of grooming. I thought they had too many problems, problems that just happen to lower-class/uneducated people. I didn't love her. And when she tore my hymnal, I thought she was the biggest brat. I thought of her when I read that verse. It just hit me. That Heavenly Father created each soul for that end - to be an heir of eternal life. I realized that I only like children, if they're cute. I only like people if they can do something for me. If they're nice to me, if they have qualities that I can look up to. If I think they're worth something. I have no idea the value of each person. The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.

Ahh I have 2 minutes left so I better go. I love you so much!

Stefanie

El Amor

2010-07-12T19:56:00.002-05:00

Momma!!!!

We had a GOLDEN tract-back this Tuesday. We had just shared a brief message in their garage the past Sunday, and we were just popping in to pass over a Book of Mormon. (haha, ok, you'll love this part) The son didn't have a shirt on (do I attract these bodies? Oh, but no worries, I had no reaction this time). He apologized that he hadn't showered yet, and that he didn't have a shirt. We were like, it's...ok. And then he began to ask us questions about God. We began to share a bit with him when...he began apologizing for not showering. We were like..."it's ok. Really." Ok, moving on. Or not. I tell him, "Yes the Book of Mormon and the Bible both testify of Christ, but the Book of Mormon was written in another part of the world." He responds, "Oh, ok...oh, I'm so sorry can you smell me? I'm sorry I was just about to take a shower." Omygosh this is more important than your body odor! But he actually was paying attention, because when we went inside (where ALL of his family was sitting around, with wide/interested eyes) he explained to his dad the basic points of what we told him. This family, really understands. And they have so many good questions! They just didn't come to church because of the world cup. (Viva espana!)

Omygoodness remember the Senora that I told you about? She is SOOOOOO special! We had two lessons this week, each in a member's home, and she just...gets it. SHE teaches ME her insights from the scriptures we leave her. There is something so beautiful about her, we just want to know everything about her life. Saturday evening we were on our way to pick up dinner at Subway, and head on to our apartment to finish up weekly planning. We felt we should just call her and say hello. She invited us over for dinner and so of COURSE we went! We bounced over to Cold Stone to pick up one of their summer pies (highly recommend them, by the way) for dessert, and we just go over and chat. I'll be honest, I'm the biggest clock-watcher and I stress about time on the mission, but that night, it was just...I knew if we stayed the rest of the night...yeah, we needed to stay. When we arrived, she had appetizers for us as she was making dinner. She showed us pictures of her family...and we were priviledged enough to hear about her life :) After dinner, Hermana Schwenke shared a scripture from the Book of Mormon, and she said she really liked how prophets in the Book of Mormon always promise blessings. That led her to bring up that she had wondered how in the Restauration pamphlet we left her it said that God always speaks to His children through prophets because she had grown up believing that after Jesus Christ died, there were no prophets. But then she answered her own doubt by looking up scriptures in the Bible to at least see if that was true. She found an example of this happening (...in Acts? Hmm...I probably should have paid more attention to detail, but I was just so surprised of her desire to seek out truth herself) and then stated her clear belief that yes, God has called a prophet in each period of time. Whoooo does that? She also went on to say that, in her opinion, when we keep the commandments of God, we become His sons and His daughters. Because we are children of a king. Ok, SO much more happened the next day at church, but I just don't want to share too much of her personal growth and so just know please that she...is very important to Heavenly Father. She truly has heard His voice, and has hardened not her heart.

When I was set apart as a missionary (where they officially gave me the title and responsibility of a missionary) my stake president gave me a blessing. For those blessings, it's kind of like a prayer because everyone closes their eyes and it's really peaceful and quiet, and my stake president rested his hands on my head and says what Heavenly Father wants that I know. My friend had written it down, and I was reading over it the other day, when this week I saw one fulfilled. He had blessed me to gain a strong knowledge that I existed before this life, and that Heavenly Father loves me. He told me this was important, because this would bear me up during trials. This week...still had a few "are you serious?" moments, and one...I don't know, just let it get to me. I slipped away to the restroom and said a little prayer. In that moment I learned, and I felt, that when things happen like that, yes, my knowledge of my Heavenly Father really does "bear me up." I felt His love, and His strength, near. I knew my Heavenly Father lives. I knew that. And I knew He loves me. I don't have a reason, reason, for coming on a mission. I just knew it was right, and I wanted to do it. But from these past nine months, if I was only supposed to feel and know of my Father in Heaven's love for me, and to begin to actually have the ability to open my heart and love others with a portion of that love, so they could begin to feel it too...I would be forever grateful.

I love you Mom! Sorry I have to run, but please know you and EVERYONE are in my prayers!

Love,

Stefanie

Bendecida

2010-07-08T08:35:00.003-05:00

Momma,

I'm doing really well here! I love La Joya and the people and especially la Hermana Schwenke. Transfers are in a week, and I'm just on edge, hoping that I can stay here with her during her last 6 weeks on the mission before she heads back to Austrailia. After planning last night we were making a cake for our actividad of our zone and she asked me and the other two hermanas some questions about the Statue of Liberty/US History. Well, we're talking about history so of course I had to mention my love of School House Rock, and she told us she had seen it before! I was surprised they had it in Austrailia when she started to make her two fingers "walk" en the palm of her hand. "You know, like this." Um...I was really confused until she was like, "What? You know, with Jack Black." Ok so...I had to tell her that School House Rock is completely different than "School of Rock." Oh well, we almost had something in common :)

Heavenly Father really works in mysterious ways. We had planned and prayed (and felt really good) about tracting in a certain street for a 3 hour block. But then plans changed and we needed to see President that day. So we were waiting for his call, figuring out what to do. We were driving about, visiting people we had planned on seeing that day anyway, but no one was home/wanted to see us (i.e. rejection). So finally we prayerfully selected a street to tract. House after house, no one answered, until finally a woman answered. I'll admit, I gave a really weak door approach, but some reason or other she asked us if we wanted to come in. She sat us down, poured us some water, and just started to chat with us. We shared a scripture and invited her to a chapel tour the next day. She came! And the tour went really well! She was talking to the hermana we brought from church to accompany us, and she told us about her experience at the Mesa Easter Pageant. In short, she was so impressed with the youth. The way they acted and the way they looked. "Tenian paz con si mismos." Other things were shared, but I think they're more personal and I shouldn't share them. Ok, we felt she was touched, and she said she would come to church the next day. Oh how we PRAYED she would! We waited and waited...and waited...the opening hymn was sung...but it's ok because we're still in the foyer...anuncios...Elder Rodriguez asks if "in case the people for whom you're waiting for don't come, would you sit with one of the ladies we invited...?" Omygoodness Elder she's going to come! But...they announce the Sacrament is going to begin, so we make our way back into the chapel. Different things are going through my head: "Did some anti-mormon friend come along?" "Why do we think Heavenly Father is blessing us with what we think are miracles, but then they turn out to not be so?" As the meeting progresses Elder Rodriguez gets my attention and then points to the door - yay she's looking for someone to sit with! I pop right up and lead her right over to my little pew, completely forgetting the plans we had for her to sit with one of the ladies from the ward. She can sit with me. And do you know how long she stayed? All three hours. All three! And she participated! She's so bright and insightful! You would absolutely love her, Momma. She reminds me so much of Aunt Bobbie. Just very proper and just...real.

This picture is of Hermana Schwenke and me with Zaira, from the ward, who accompanied us to a lesson.

I love you Momma.

Love,

Stefanie

La Humildad

2010-06-22T08:37:00.001-05:00

So...e-mail time is still very difficult. I'm just like, "I have no idea what to write." I briefly glanced at some of the past e-mails I sent you and I'm thinking, "What...why did I write that?" So, I hope in some way my e-mails benefit you...

Although this first experience won't exactly feed your soul...

As you mentioned before my mission, yes, while we serve missions we don't date. And honestly, there hasn't been a single, "Oh that boy is cute" moment. Ok so until this week. We were tracting and it was really hot and I'll leave out the details because I DONT want to even think about it not even on P-day but basically there was a very attractive guy painting his chairs blue in his garage and he was telling us about how his boss is LDS and then he startedasking all these questions about church administration and the whole time in my mind I'm thinking, "Omygosh Heavenly Father, can you just help me here?" And then he started asking Hermana Schwenke about rugby in Austrailia and I was just thinking, "Ok, subject has to change now." It was the weirdest feeling ever, and after we left I made Hermana Schwenke hide behind a pillar with me so we could pray and...focused regained.

Ok, but this experience is very special...

We had a church tour scheduled for last monday evening, but when we called to confirm it turned out Marisela was in the hospital, and they didn't know what was wrong. So we asked if it would be ok if we just stop by for a few moments. We sung "Our Savior's Love." Love enveloped that room. We said a few words, and then left. I think that even if Marisela never accepts missionaries again, I feel like we were led to tract her street, to knock on her door, to set up that appointment, for that night. Heavenly Father needed that she felt His love in that moment.

And this is me personally...

Christ-like attribute as of late is humility. I kept feeling the necessity of studying it, and I was like, "Ok Heavenly Father, am I really that prideful?" I noticed something I hadn't before. That humility is to recognize gratefully our dependence on the Lord葉o understand that we have constant need for His support. It was absolutly what I needed to know as of late, to be able to continue to do. The mission is never "too hard." Let's face it, I've always been an early-riser and very busy, but lately I just got so discouraged every day. The language, antagonistic letters in the mail (I don't know why people decide a mission is a great time to try to bring me down)...everything. At the end of each day I was just like, "That's it. I'm going home. I'm not doing any good. I don't know how to help people progress, people think I'm unintelligent because I can't speak their language, whatever. I'm totally one of those missinaries that's just a hinderence to the work." And...I wanted to talk to someone. But I didn't want to bring any other missionary down, so I thought about writing someone, but then I remembered that people are very busy outside of the mission life and well, aren't exactly abundantly blessed with time. So, I put into practice what I'm learning about humility. I realized in that moment, that prayer and Heavenly Father has always been my last resort. I always ask advice or help from others, or just figure it out by myself...but I couldn't, right then. I don't have the time, but more importantly I don't have the words, to explain what I learned. But I know that Jesus Christ performed the Atonement. That He suffered the pains and weaknesses that each one of us feels in our lives, and that He did this so He could know how to help us. I know He does help us. And I know that my growing testimony of the Atonement, has been for, at least, this point in time in my mission. I know we truly are nothing without God, but through Him, we can be everything. I know this is true.

Stefanie

Alma y Amulek

2010-06-16T08:23:00.001-05:00

Hi Mom,

Our mission president has a goal for every first discussion to be in the chapel, with a member of the congregation present. And so week after week we set them, but...the never actually happen. While the "yes" responses we get have increased, attendance hasn't. This past week we were stood up 6 times. 6 times.

So...there's these two missionaries in the Book of Mormon that my companion and I absolutely love - Alma and Amulek. They just always know what to teach and how to act in every situation. And actually we were talking today in companion study, finding scriptures in the Book of Mormon that help answer concerns/questions people have. One question yesterday was really sincere: "Why does God teach us to be selfless, when He is selfish? He tells us to only worship Him, and put Him first in our lives." Ok, we discussed it, but I think the most powerful lesson we came away with is to just listen. Alma and Amulek were so good at listening. Because there are lots of people who have lots of questions, and have different intentions for asking them, but they didn't actually teach until they knew what would touch the person's heart. Then they bore testimony (in the instance we talked about they bore testimony of the Savior and His resurrection). The one thing I love about being a missionary is that it's really not about info, it's about someone's life. And I know the potential of what their Father in Heaven wants that they reach. I love my Heavenly Father, and I'm grateful for my life.

And I was wondering. I've always been pretty open with you about religion in general, but I think since I've begun my mission my letters have definitely been much more open. I was wondering how you feel about that, and if that's ok. I don't ever want to share too much, but at the same time, it's just, this is that which I have to write. But I also don't want you to feel...that I'm preaching. Because I promise that's not my intention. I promise I'm just sharing what happens, and how I feel. Will you let me know?

And...I still absolutely LOVE Hermana Schwenke. She switches into mode Austrailian from time to time and drives on the wrong side of the road, but I don't mind it. She's even teaching me how to speak with an Aussie accent (I think I'm catching on!).

I love you Mom. I really, really do. I'm really grateful for who you are, and who you help others to become.

Love,

Stefanie

De Semillas Pequenas

2010-06-16T08:18:00.003-05:00

Hi Momma!

No don't worry I completely understand! It's just nice to get a little reply so I know how you're doing!

So, this is us as of late. We're not spectacular missionaries, but we teach from our hearts. We pray to be inspired what to teach, and we invite people to change their lives. To make commitments to follow the Savior and see the blessings that follow. And we see the results. We're not perfect, I'm nowhere near the missionary I want to be, but the people feel something. We "make their day" or answer their prayers, as they tell us. Ok. Then, the next thing we know, they're gone. The've moved, they don't answer our phone calls, or (this is the best) they don't even live at the place we taught them at. Ok. So we learn our lesson. We attempt daily contact, little ways to just help them stay uplifted, to feel something. And people still fall through the cracks. I wish I could tell you of a lesson we had this week, because they were all, really special, but I'm scared if I do then next week I won't have anything new to update you on.

So...with this, I realized I lacked a little more than common sense. I lacked wisdom. We had been praying to know what we could do better, and then in personal study one day I was reading the Parable of the Sower. Ok, I LOVE reading accounts when the Savior Himself is teaching, because since I've become a missionary I realize that Jesus Christ is THE perfect teacher. Ok, I left my notes at home, but the one thing I remember is that those who receive the gospel by the wayside (liken it unto our first lessons) feel something. In the scripture Christ says that it was "sown in their hearts." But the problem, according to the parable, is that they didn't understand. They felt it was true, but (my guess, just from my own experience) when thoughts of doubt/fear come in, there's nothing in their mind to fight it. For me, I know something is true, when I know it's true in my mind and in my heart. And so we can take this and teach more for understanding. Ask more check for understanding questions, so we know if we even taught clearly enough so that they know it's true. Yeah, there will still be obstacles. The other elements of the different types of soil. But Mom, I know that the Savior is the master Sower. His Atonement, can make bad soil, rich. Whether someone has a tendency to be afraid of the opinions of other, or the cares of the world, I know the Atonement has a "harrowing, plowing, nutrienting" effect on our lives, and our hearts. I know He lives, and that what I'm teaching is true. It's His work, and brings happiness and purpose and peace into our lives.

So...there is this little bird that fell out of the nest on our balcony. The missionaries and I were talking about our days last night and I looked out and just fell over with laughter - it was staring inside our apartment from the glass door with such a pathetic little face! So we took a picture :) See if you can see him...He's right above my book.

Love,

Stefanie

Todavia en La Joya

2010-06-04T20:35:00.003-05:00

Hi Momma!

Sorry I'm e-mailing so late, but because of Memorial Day the mission office just told us to e-mail on Thursday. Ah. I just have a week and a HALF to write about now! And Momma...write me back or send pictures, please! :) I want to know how you are doing! This is just a picture of our last district meeting, with the elders in my district and myself.

We had transfers...and I'm staying in La Joya!!! With Hermana Schwenke! I was so happy! Only one elder left (because his 2 years were over) so we have a new district leader. He's actually an elder that was in my MTC district, Elder Giles. I feel like my district continues to bless me, even on the mission. Last night was his first night here, and at dinner at the home of La Familia Treviso he gave the spiritual thought - his Spanish is SO good. And as I listened to him, I realized that he was just...confident. Like, yeah he didn't use any advanced grammar but he just spoke clear sentences and knew, that he knew, what he knew. I was like, "Oh, maybe I should try that." And I know this is going to sound very common sense (...well let's just be honest here that's not one of my strong points anyway) but so much of Spanish is confidence. And that I don't have to pause and think through every sentence I say or have fear I'm going to say something wrong, because...well I won't. And if I do...ok. So I was thinking, "Hmm...I bet I can speak just as easy as he can if I believe." And so I tried it after dinner and it worked! Oh! I am just so excited! And I just feel like I can apply this to SO many other things in life - like teaching the gospel and...I don't know because Spanish and teaching the gospel are kind of life right now but I'm sure I'll find other applications soon :)

We taught the daughters of Hermana Soto this past week. We just love that family. The two daughters are 13 and 15, and there are three boys - 6, 4, and 2 (the sons are just little studs, let me tell you. We brought over a box of pizza a member gave us, and the 4 year old ate 5 pieces). We felt like we should teach them about the love of God, and one daughter told us that one way she knows Heavenly Father loves her, is because the missionaries started to come over. She used to see her mom stressed over paying the bills, but now she sees how much peace and calmness she has. That was the best.

We were tracting yesterday (all day yesterday...) and the last house a little abuelita let us come in (I love when that happens). We had a brief, 10 minute message on the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through Joseph Smith, and she just loved it. She said she felt relaxed and calm, compared to before we came over. We told her that she could have those feelings of peace, always, and we invited her to be baptized! She is absolutely lovely, and wants to attend church, and we're going to pass by today to drop of a copy of the Book of Mormon.

I think one of the best things about a mission, is just seeing how people's lives are better. By inviting others to come unto Christ, they just have more peace and happiness in their lives.

I love you Momma. I'll write again on Monday!

Love,

Stefanie

Amo mi Vida

2010-05-25T08:43:00.005-05:00

Hi Momma!

Attached are some pictures of a pachanga we threw for the birthday of two of the elders in our district. I think last week I sent a picture of Hermana Schwenke and me holding our unfinished pinata, and here's one of us holding mine (it was a strawberry!). Now you can see some of the other missionaries with whom I serve! I won't lie, we work hard during the week, so on our preparation day (when we had this activity), we go all out. And I know I said I would send pictures of people I'm teaching but...I just feel awkward sending pictures with very personal information about these people. So you'll just have to wait :)

Omygoodness, I just love this and it is passing far too quickly. We had a lesson today with Hermano Soto. He's the husband of a recent convert, and hasn't been interested in a long time. But he just showed up at church one week, and now has interest in talking with the missionaries!!! Omygoodness did we prepare for this lesson! I am so grateful that I am serving a mission, if only that I am able to see how the gospel applies to specific people with specific needs and questions and concerns. There was just so much peace and joy in the home when we were sharing our message. He brought up in the very beginning that he believed Dios was in all places and all churches and he wondered why we have "our church."And no, we didn't forsee that being a question, but things just literally were given to us, "in the very moment," throughout the lesson. We didn't "prove" anything, we taught. That Christ died for our sins, and our pains, and our weaknesses, and that He has the power to heal every person. And as an act of love He gave that authority to heal, and to teach, to his apostles when He established His church on the earth. And that although He was perfect, and His power and teachings were perfect, He and His truth was rejected. As a result different people changed that one perfect church, and different churches surgieran. But that power of salvation and truth, we taught, and I know, is contained in His church, restored on the earth today with that authority. Something touched him, especially with the historia of Joseph Smith, and Hermano Soto accepted the invitation to baptism. The Spirit touched him, and he felt close to God and to the Savior, for probably the first time in His life.

Omygoodness and Selena read! And she prayed at the end of our lesson! It was the most beautiful prayer ever :)

I don't know, I just have this feeling that I should have worked harder or done so many things different earlier in my mission, and even now at the end of each week I'm just like, "Ugh, I just need to work harder," but I don't know how. Like, I feel like I'm giving it my best, but, at the same time I feel like I'm not.

And we had a tract back lesson and...ok the library is about to kick me off the computer, but it is SUCH a good story I'll try to remember to tell you next week!

El Espiritu Santo

2010-05-18T08:56:00.004-05:00

Hey Momma,

We were tracting when we ran into Miguel. He was a young 20 something year old, who kind of had a belief in God, but had never prayed and wasn't familiar with Biblical accounts. He just sat us down and began asking us questions about "2012" (what is that? is that some movie???) and the Bible in general. We asked him what his most important question was, and almost without pause he said, "What's the most important question I have? My sister died 5 years ago. Will I be able to see her again?" (Yay! Momma, feel the excitement in my 'yay!') We promised him, that with absolutely certainty, that he can. That families are central to Heavenly Father's plan, that we were sent here to have families, and that God intends that families be eternal. We showed him a picture of the Salt Lake temple and explained that the authority to bind on earth what is bound on heaven has been restored. He then asked "Why are there so many churches?" So we taught a brief message of the Restoration of the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and afterwards we asked how he felt. "I just feel...light. I don't know, do you know what I mean?" We shared a Book of Mormon scripture, Mosiah 18:10, where it promises that when we are baptized God promises to give us this Spirit as our constant Companion. I told him the missinoaries that taught me promised me that very thing, and I promised him that it's a true promise. We invited him to be baptized...and he said he still wants to learn more and I was thinking, "Oh, that's fine. Because we want to stop back by and teach you some more."

Seriously this whole week we just felt we were guided to exactly where we needed to be, with the people we were supposed to meet. We were just looking at the map at weren't getting ANY direction on where we needed to go, so we were like, "Are we just supposed to go visit someone instead?" So we just went down the road to someone's home that we had taught and outside were a group of carpenters. One of them was SO golden and SO interested about the restoration and the Book of Mormon. We are talking with EVERYONE, and praying for people to be put in our path, and Heavenly Father really is answering our prayers. I just want to kick myself though, that it has taken me so long to begin to "get it," to have a desire and see the need to focus on inviting people to progress and change instead of focusing mainly on teaching lessons. Each soul we teach really is precious, and has the potential to come unto Christ and have that...light.

And the picture is when Dad came to lunch, and there is also one of Hermana Schwenke and me making our pinatas.

Lots of Love,

Stefanie

The Center

2010-05-11T09:05:00.002-05:00

Mom,

I absolutely love my life. There is nothing better than being a missionary. I just wish I wouldn't have focused so long on my weaknesses with the language or with teaching skills, and held back, instead of focusing on the people I was called here to serve, and think of ways to invite them to come unto Christ. I wish I could've started from the get-go with this.

I also wish I would've charged my camera battery, because it's dead and so I can't share pictures this week. Thus the need to be prepared in all things.

Lunch with Dad was really nice. It was the first time I was able to share with him, and where I felt he listened a little to my soul, that which I know to be true. I gave him a Book of Mormon with my favorite chapter marked, and he said he would read it before he left Phoenix. I always felt I could be open with you about what I believe, but I never really knew how to talk to Dad without feeling I was pushing anything on him, or just in general just have it turn out sour. Now I feel like this huge wall is down and I'm able to just talk about what I do every day and the experiences I feel each day.

Tonight we are wanting to help a La Hermana Lourdes, a less-active member, come back to church and talk to the Obispo (she told us she wanted to, but was just scared of making that first step of coming back). I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, en Alma 34 on page 293, and it just had more impact on me than before. I realized even more how central the Atonement is. That it had to be an infinite sacrifice, it had to be Christ, or else we wouldn't be able to return to our Father in Heaven again. Just how central it is. How important and real the Savior and His sacrifice is to why we are here. We recognize Christ as the center of our church and of our doctrine, and strive to have Him to the lives of each our members. But then, in a much grander sense, the Atonement is the center of the life of every soul, whether or not he or she chooses to place Him as such. I kept thinking of the Savior in the Doctrine and Covenants, where He is just pleading with us to repent, and as I personally think of Hermana Lourdes, I began to understand a little better why the Father's joy is so great in the soul that repenteth. This is life. Eternal to come, but en verdad, a fullness of happiness and purpose right now.

I love you Mom.

Stefanie

Venid a Cristo

2010-05-05T08:19:00.002-05:00

Buenos Dias!

Haha, yes Momma. I suppose you could compare the changing of companionships to having different dates on weekends. But I can't say Hermana Schwenke has taken me out to Cafe Rio lately.

I wish I had time to tell you about everyone we're teaching! And everything that happens!

Sunday we tracted all day after church. We had been fasting and it was so windy! (It actually blew ME over a couple of times!) and it seemed like no one was home. We were both tired and hot, and then this man opened the door,and it just began this string of continual anti-mormon doors that day. We just bore testimony. One man called us out, and basically said we were playing the testimony card. But I realized, honestly, in that moment, that testimony isn't a cop-out at all. It wasn't like, "Oh....um...I don't know how to answer your concern about Joseph Smith/The Book of Mormon but I know..." No. Quite the contrary actually. We knew how to answer, and most times we know too. But in that moment there was just this power inside of us. This realization that I knew, and know, that this work is true. Not good. Not a nice message. But true. All desires to make friends or play safe with contacts just left. I think I learned today that someone else's disbelief doesn't affect what I know to be true.

We had a Zone Conference with our mission president yesterday, on the importance of planning and the importance of the Book of Mormon. I think something I've really gained a strong testimony of is the power of it's invitation to come unto Christ. I kept thinking of this one scripture on the last page of the book, where it says to come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. I kept thinking of Leticia, a young mother we had been teaching and hadn't been able to get a hold of. She is golden, Momma. We had an appointment with her earlier this week but when we arrived there was this note on the ground addressed to us. We thought it was a break up note. But as we opened it, she just apologized, that something had come up, but that she really wanted to meet with us, and, I quote, "The Book of Mormon is great!" We were just so excited we offered a little prayer of gratitude right then and there! (Ok, actually once we got back in the car so we didn't look weird praying on someone's doorstep) Oh, yes but back to the story. So after conference yesterday we felt we should pass by her house just for a second and see how she was doing. She was home and happily invited us in. And as we shared Moroni 10:32 with her she immediately responded, "I remember reading this scripture - I loved this scripture and I went and read it to my boyfriend the night I read it! I don't remember what he said, but yes, I was going to talk to you about this scripture when I saw you two." We have a church tour with her this Friday.

I love you Mom. Oh! I'll call sometime Sunday evening, I think. So answer your phone!

Love,

Stefanie

La Joya

2010-04-27T09:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, I LOVE my new area! My companion is the best missionary in the world, I swear. (Sigh...) Sister Schwenke.She is native Samoan, she was raised in New Zealand, and spent the rest of her life in Australia. She is just dedicated and solid. I love this area too! I'm serving completely Spanish now, and we don't have any people to teach right now, so we do a lot of tracting and creative finding activities.

I love you a lot Mom. I'll be calling on the Sunday on Mother's Day! Ok, and I am SO sorry this e-mail is so short, but I promise I'll write a letter instead!

Transfers

2010-04-20T08:46:00.001-05:00

Mom,

Well, your prayers for me are working. I am definitely being taken care of. Today for our P-day, a really nice woman in an English-speaking ward is taking us out for lunch and manicures/ pedicures. She takes us out to lunch each week, and she bought us shoes two weeks ago (she said my companion's shoes weren't stylish enough, and then she didn't want to only buy her shoes so she bought me some too).

I love you so much. I think my heart's a little heavy right now, for everyone. Every 6 weeks we have "transfers," which is where we change areas and/or companions within the Phoenix Mission boundaries. We may not always get transferred, but there's always that chance of getting moved. I've been in this area since the beginning of my mission, and I tried to serve the people and understand what they needed to hear so they could progress. I tried to listen and understand my companion and just learn everything I could. I felt like Hermana Hoof and I were really getting close and, ah Mom the people we serve are just fabulous. I don't even know how to describe it, they're just incredible people, and we found out last night that I will be moving to another area. I'm happy to learn to serve new people, but every time I think of the Hilerios and Zulema, my heart just feels soft. Agh Mom you have to meet these people after I come home. We can make a trip back together, and you'll love these people too. And thank you SO much for agreeing to write down you thoughts for Larry!!! Even though I'll be transferred, I can send it to him. That really means a lot, and I'm excited to read it too (if that's ok!) so I can honestly get to know your feelings better as well.

The Hilerio's might be moving back to Mexico OR...Salt Lake :) So I'll be really close to them for college, at least! A new law is being passed in Arizona where not having citizen papers would be considered a felony. My heart just broke, because Jesus is working two jobs, and after this week he can't work at his construction job anymore since his employer doesn't want anyone without papers. I found out at the exact same time Juany did - at our lesson.

Yeah, I'm really happy you take interest in me and Nick. I haven't seen that tv special, but I hope you enjoyed it. Momma, I know the Book of Mormon is true. Through it I've found so much peace and purpose in my life, and from it I knew that the Savior Jesus Christ is real, and He lives today. I didn't decide to serve a mission just for a hope or a whim, I promise, it's something so much more solid and real than that. I don't want to ever make you or Dad or Papa or anyone for that matter, feel alienated for my beliefs. I'm teaching families all the time and my only desire is that they can find more love in their homes through the fulness of the Gospel, and I know that it's just this seed of blessings that keeps growing from one member of a family who has recognized it as unique and true to the other members and then to friends and then to the world. It's so good. There's a 5 minute video on the front page of lds.org, and it explains a little about the Book of Mormon, and I would love it if you watched it. It's titled "Testimony of the Book of Mormon" and you just have to click on it to play it. I just feel like I'm not making any sense right now, and you would be able to actually feel what I'm feeling right now as I write this, as you watch it. If you would like to, just tell me what you think afterwards.

We had such a busy day yesterday! We did teach Larry though, that man I wrote the letter about. We just felt we should share about following the Savior and developing faith, so we decided to teach The Gospel of Jesus Christ from 2 Nephi 31, and part in 3 Nephi 27. We had, no time hardly to prepare, and didn't know exactly what we were going to say, but we knew the scriptures we wanted to use and we just prayed hard. It went so smooth. Everything my companion was saying led exactly into what I felt I should share next and then the church members' comments brought out of him this simple but SO GOOD expression of testimony that we didn't know he had!

Mena Pelayo and her family, they're a part-member family, and so not everyone is a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it's just this house full of beautiful women - Mena, her two daughters, Mena's sister and her daughter - it's a home full of hair products, Ed Hardy perfume, and just that femmy feeling. I love it. We had always invited them to come to church but they never did. We hadn't seen them for about 5 weeks, and we just felt we should stop in and share a spiritual thought Saturday afternoon. We did, and we invited them to church the next day. Momma, they came! We had been waiting SO long for them to come and they ALL came and they all looked beautiful! They're coming next week too. To invite so many people to church and to have so many people say they will and then they don't, sometimes...it feels kinda like waiting for a date that doesn't come, but when someone comes it's the best feeling.

I'd better go, but I really do love you. I wish I had more time/room to write more! Oh! And can I get Uncle Steve's address? :)

Love,

Stefanie

La Gente

2010-04-13T09:03:00.001-05:00

Momma!

Haha! Um, your phone is really slow at receiving text messages because I can promise you the last time I was in Oregon was in September/October-ish. And...I can promise you it's warming up here already. I drink water straight from the gallon.

Ok, so every week when I sit down to write is the most stressful time of the week. I'm like, "What do I write? I want to just write an open e-mail to my mom, but what does she need/want to hear? Oh wait, AND I think she's still posting my letters on my blog so everyone I know (and maybe people I don't) are going to read this...do I write about my thoughts/feelings or what is going on day to day...oh wait I only have 2 minutes left what do I write?" So...just to make this a lot easier on me, I'm just going to write about the people I'm teaching because...they're much more interesting than I am anyway.

We always see this cute little old man on the mountain in the mornings. He makes cute comments about me using big rocks as free weights. Thursday we stopped to share a brief message with him, and gave him a pass along card with a picture of the Salt Lake temple on it, but he stopped us as we were talking, to tell us his granddaughter "is a baptized Mormon" and is getting married in the Salt Lake temple soon! He told us about her fiance, how he served 2 years in Peru. We were like, "That's what we're doing here!"

Gloria is the woman who developed a newfound interest in the Book of Mormon. We went back for our appointment on Wednesday, and we had just ended interviews with our mission president so we were all fired up to share our pre-selected chapter in the beginning where Nephi sees, in vision, the Savior born of a beautiful virgin. As she began to read the verses where it describes Mary a bit, her eyes lit up a bit, and we started to teach, but then ended up getting taught. SHE began to preach to US from the chapter, about the Savior and Mary. She expounded upon each verse, and it was actually really difficult to get a word in edgewise, and we soon realized...after 40 minutes of this...that she wasn't really interested in our message. We invited her to church, and after she made it clear to us she had no intention of coming, I almost told her this Sunday was fast and testimony meeting where she would be able to share her feelings about this chapter with lots of other people...

...and I invited her to be baptized. I don't know why! I just felt it!

Do you remember Marine? I mentioned her in one of my first e-mails, where I felt really strongly we should continue to teach her. She isn't able to attend church because she works each Sunday. We taught her the Word of Wisdom (the revelacion the prophet Joseph Smith received concerning why we are to eat healthy foods and abstain from coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco), and she bore her testimony to us as to how this has to be from God, because she truly believes alcohol is bad for us. She said she avoids everything, but she does have coffee once in a while, not in an addictive practice but just sometimes. We asked her what blessings would come from living this law, and she told us health and the Spirit of God in her life. She told us she believes it is a true, and a commandment from God. Then we asked her to keep the word of wisdom, including abstaining from coffee...and she said yes!

Hmmm...what blessings do you think would come into your life from abstaining from coffee? :)

And...I had the opportunity to meet with the Hilerio family again. I, love, that family. The wife never wears make-up, is just brown and womanly. Her youngest son, Aldo (like the shoes!) is only 8 months old, so she just freely pops out a boob when he gets hungry during our lessons. And it just works for her, she's still so classy. Ok, but this part meant the world to me: she just opened up to us. She told us that she knows the Book of Mormon is true. She knows it's good, and it is of God. She then told us every time we pass by, she feels peace. She's stressed with the children or whatever, but when we come, "we calm her". We asked her what she thinks that is, and her answer, after a pause, was that "I feel like my spirit is returning to me."

And that statement is even more beautiful in Spanish.

I don't think I've ever loved someone I barely knew like this, Momma. It hurts sometimes when I think about her, and if I'll be able to teach her what or how I need to so that she can be the happiest she can in this life. Her life and person, her soul, is great in my sight.

One of the things I'm most grateful for, is this ability to say words and carry a spirit that truly "heals the wounded soul." To my investigators, to my companion, to street-contacts.

I love you Momma. Thank you for letting me come out here.

Love,

Stefanie

Yay!

2010-04-06T08:14:00.002-05:00

Momma,

We have bikes! I love it. It's just so nice because we're out and about with the people, and we have more opportunities to talk to them, and I think others are more ready to listen because they've already seen us around town (and of course because we're so cute in our skirts and helmets). And yes, I'm learning the hand signals so I can be safe :)

Oh! I had this experience I really wanted to share with you. One of our appointments wasn't home, because she was out selling corn with her husband. But her mom lives next door and was outside cleaning. So...we rolled our bicycles over and asked if she needed help. She invited us to come inside and I thought it would just be for a second so we didn't lock our bikes. But, it ended up seeming like she wanted us to sit back and chat with her, so I nervously kept looking out the window at our unlocked bikes. But the window was right by her life-sized picture of the Virgin Mary, so she thought I had fear of the Virgin and that I was rejecting her. Her eyes were welling up with tears and she pulled up a chair and sat me down and started to tell me about how her home is a house of God and Mary watches over her home. Everytime I tried to explain she just cut me off again. Anyway, after half an hour we were leaving and she asked to see the Book of Mormon in my companion's arms. Her countenance completely changed, Momma. We showed her a verse that explains how the Book of Mormon is centered in the Savior Jesus Christ, and then she asked us to explain each picture in the front. We left the copy and have a return appointment this Wednesday. She gave us a nice little catholic blessing too ;)
Ok next week I'll save more time but I have seven seconds left

Tender Mercies

2010-03-30T09:07:00.001-05:00

Momma,

So I have these experiences called "tender mercies." They're little blessings that happen throughout the day that help me to realize that Heavenly Father is aware of me, personally. Sometimes, for me, it's a letter from someone from home that says exactly what I need to hear; or a scripture that just answers in my mind and in my heart concerning that which I had been wondering; and sometimes, they're just little occurrences that happen throughout the day that would seem like a coincidence to anyone else, but that I know are specifically for me.

When my companion and I took one of the ladies we are teaching to the Easter pageant at the Mesa temple grounds this past friday night, we saved our seats and then went into the visitors center until the pageant began. Right before 8:00, we made our way back to our seats, and I heard my name. I looked around, and I saw one of the guys I had dated a bit at BYU right before my mission, sitting with his friends - right in front of our seats. Momma, right before I left on my mission there was this flood of guys that all of a sudden wanted to date me, and (not to just throw him into a stereotype pool but he happened to come into my life at this time) he was one of them. Only, this guy was SO nice and taught me so much about patience and what was really important in life. I just let myself get busy with going out with other people and (of course) preparing for my mission that I felt like I hadn't treated him with the proper respect and attention in the way that he deserved. It had really kinda been weighing on me, STILL, because I knew I would never see him again after my mission and I had no way to apologize...and just feel right in my heart. But then, I was able to apologize after the pageant. That night I was writing in my journal, and, I don't know, it was just meant a lot to me. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but with all my efforts on trying to focus on others and say things that my investigators need to hear, it was...kinda nice to feel that from Heavenly Father. Just to let it sink in that I'm important to Him. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound self-centered.

Well, I'd better go Momma. I love you.

Love,

Stefanie

Help

2010-03-23T08:52:00.004-05:00

Momma!

So, I'm happy I'm on a mission, because I feel it softens the fact that Grandpa is going to Rome WITHOUT HIS GRANDDAUGHTER! I think if I was still up at school I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep or think about anything else. But...Heavenly Father needs me to focus here :) Oh, and I have a little bit of news for you. If you haven't already heard, Amber is getting married! Or at least that's what I heard in a letter from another friend at UA. Also, we moved into the home of a church member last week, and she is really cute. She's in her 70s, and she is in a very delicate diabetes state. To test and see if she is experiencing a bad blood sugar low, I'm supposed to ask her if Obama is a good president. If she says yes, I give her a spoonful of peanut butter. But now we're living right near North Mountain, and it is a beautiful mountain (well, "mountain.") that we run up each day as the sun rises. It's beautiful here, Mom. It's so green, so like paradise. It reminds me a lot of Okinawa.

We went to visit the Hilerio family this week again, and I did a fabulous job at bringing in the Spirit by trying to save a runaway wind-up toy train from under the couch: first of all, my bum was sticking up in the air as I'm trying to reach my arm underneath the furniture to pull it out, and then I don't realize it's still running when I finally pull it towards me...and it gets stuck in my hair. So it was like that cabbage patch doll that got recalled when I was a little girl (do you remember those? I don't think you and Dad ever let me get one anyway because I already had my one Cabbage patch doll, and it was probably a good thing), and my hair just kept getting more and more tangled in the wheels. Then little Fabio comes to my rescue, or so I think. With his one track mind, all he wants is his train back. So he's trying to yank the train away from my bothersome hair strands. But eh, it's ok. I need to trim my split ends anyway.

Mom, I didn't realize how much people need the gospel in their lives for relief. For me I just loved having truth, but one man, who we are teaching, needs relief from the weight of guilt and shame in his life. I know this is only possible through coming to Christ by recieving the restored gospel.

When we went to the Mesa temple visitor's center with one of our investigators, I saw an hermana that I knew in the MTC. I haven't been taking too many pictures lately, but I do have this one. I'll try to get pictures of some of the people here and of the other missionaries so you can get an idea of who I'm here with :)

El Bautismo

2010-03-17T08:13:00.001-05:00

Momma,

Wait, we have a new cat? He looks exactly like Leia. Was someone giving one away, or did you rescue it from the street? And yes, Sister Brox did tell me everything you told her to say. She also went on and on about how you're the sweetest lady, which didn't surprise me. Haha, I laughed though when she told me about how I'm your missionary and you save all your questions for me. You're adorable. But Momma you can talk to other missionaries as well; they might be able to answer a question I can't :)

Sarah was baptized! Woah, there is a lot more put into that day than I had expected though. At the very last minute (like, as we were walking into the room with the baptismal font), someone was like, "Do you have witnesses?" Como? So I looked at the elders and quickly got their attention and motioned "You. Two. Witnesses please." But even with all the last minute surprises it was so worth it! She started to cry right after Brother Bentz brought her up out of the water. I have cute pictures, but I have to check with her if it's ok to post them up here.

Each week we report progress to the mission president. Uh, Momma. I'm really not doing a very good job at helping people progress towards recieving those blessings of baptism. We have so many people we're teaching I'm just losing focus on daily contact with them and really helping them progress. But I've set goals to do better, and as of today I'm going to be on top of it.

K, well I have to go, but I love you a lot Momma, k? Please keep me updated with everything! And really, thank you a lot for posting these letters. I get a lot of letters about it, and really, thank you.

I love you,

Stefanie

Life

2010-03-09T08:52:00.004-06:00

Momma!

How are you? I have a special treat coming your way!!! We went to the temple visitor's center last night with one of the women we're teaching and her little boy to watch the Joseph Smith movie. I talked to one of the sister missionaries there and she was just so nice and I told her all about you and so she wants to call you sometime this week! I don't remember her name but she is SO sweet. And I thought I remembered you saying you don't have a home phone anymore because you felt like you were never there, so I gave her your cell phone number. Let me know how it goes! Yay!

My trainer, Hermana Sepulveda, goes home today. I've really grown to love her. She's taught me so much about love and charity by her example, and I'm going to miss her a lot. And...Hermana Hoof, who just came in 6 weeks ago, still has 6 weeks of training to go through, and so guess who is going to "step" train her? I am by no means fluent in Spanish, and now I'm just like, "Oops, I wish I would've paid closer attention when people are speaking instead of thinking, 'Hmm...those tortillas smell good...'" Ok, humor aside, I feel a little overwhelmed. Ok, VERY overwhelmed.

This past Friday was SO good! It never gets old, Momma, it only gets better, every time someone we are teaching tells me about how they felt when they prayed to know if our message is true. Oh, I have 20 seconds left ugh! I'll write more later but I love you so much!

Stefanie

El Libro de Mormon

2010-03-02T09:39:00.002-06:00

Momma,

Hi! I LOVED the picture you sent with your letter this week. We were walking to get our oil changed when I opened the envelope and I was like, "Hermanas! Look it's me and my grandma when I was little!" They were like, "Aww! It's a little Hermana Barker! And wow, your grandma really is Japanese!" I don't know what they thought she would look like exactly...
Oh! And speaking of pictures, my companions want to know how beautiful you are, so will you send a picture of yourself? :) But really, thank you again for that picture. And...I'm not really sure if you're correct that I just ease into whatever situation I'm in. I feel like I'm so awkward around the other hermanas when we're together. They're just really loud and outgoing, and I'm just kind of...not. I don't know, I'm just fine with watching and listening, and I'm not all over the place when I tell stories, and I don't really have a loud laugh. Agh! It's just frustrating because I want them to like me, and I feel like I'm just standing there and I feel so awkward. Do you have any tips to make them not think I'm socially gone? :)
I really wanted to share something from my journal, but I'm not sure if it'll make sense in this e-mail. However, I felt like I should share it. From 1 Jan to 1 March, all the missionaries in our mission read the Book of Mormon in 60 days, which is the time it took the prophet Joseph Smith to translate the record. We highlighted all the references to Christ in one color, the prophecies of Christ in a different color, and the actual words spoken by the Savior in a different color. It is a pure testimony of Jesus Christ. I love the Book of Mormon all over again. I felt like it applied so differently to me as a missionary. I really grew to empathize, at least a tiny part more, with the prophets in the Book of Mormon and their duty to call people to repentance without apology but with love. I loved Moroni, who continued to preach and feared "not what man could do, for perfect love casteth out all fear;" which love he was filled with. When we have charity, that pure love of Christ that is given to His true followers (and what greater demonstration of being a true follower of the Savior than to be one of His commisioned servants!), we truly can be fearless in our teaching and testifying. I think part of that is when we love someone, we want the best for them. We give correction when needed. If I love the people I'm teaching, I don't focus on "Oh, this is going to be awkward if I teach this because then they'll have to change their lives..." but instead on "Oh, this is so obvious that this would bless their lives if they kept this commandment. I love them and I want them to come unto Christ through repentance and obedience."
I also learned that this gift of teaching with power and authority, as a representative of Jesus Christ, is real, and this gift truly is manifest through the Holy Ghost, as taught in the last chapter in the Book of Mormon. Last Tuesday we were teaching an older man, and at the end of the lesson I testified of the restored church of Christ on the earth that is directed by modern revelation, and that if he would come this Sunday he would likewise receive answers to his prayers through that same spirit of revelation. And then I invited him to come to Church this Sunday. He came! Momma, I don't tell you this to fabricate that I am this fabulous missionary with these excellent experiences. I just wanted to share this with you because it is really special to me. I learned that I really truly am a servant of the Lord. But that I myself am nothing. Really, nothing. I'm timid and insecure and shy and I don't like people to get mad at me. I can't make myself seem more bold or confident than I am when I am teaching. But with the Savior, I really do have power and authority. His authority. And with that, for these brief 18 months, I am able to work miracles in others' lives and strengthen my own testimony that He does live and calls men and women to His work in this day and age as well as times of old. I hope to learn what I did that day that enabled me to receive that powerful of a teaching moment, so I can be an effective tool in His hands each day for this time.
I love it here Momma. There are many days I'm tempted to think I'm not making a difference, but then I just have to focus on someone I'm teaching instead on myself. Ahh! I have so much to tell you that happened this week but we'll just have to go out for pedicures and have a long chat when I get back.

Love,

Stefanie

2010-02-22T21:06:00.004-06:00

Hey Momma!

Que paso? You didn't e-mail me back this week? :)

I had plenty to tell you this week, and then I left my agenda at the apartment today. I think I remember most of the highlights though. Oh! And some people write me and tell me how neat it is that you are updating my blog for me, and some have asked why you don't write anything. And I realized I never mentioned you could. So feel free to make a separate post of your own if you would like to share your own thoughts/feelings/memories of me. Just don't make it embarrasing, aight? I won't be able to look at it or do anything about it for quite a few more months :)
K, so remember Sarah that I told you about last week, who reminds me a lot of me? Well she had been telling us that she really wants to be 100% sure before she makes the decision to be baptized, because she once she's in, she wants to be committed. Well...we had a lesson set up last Thursday, and I was afraid to ask her if she had prayed about the Book of Mormon, because I was thinking, "Um...I like her a lot, and so what if she forgot, or doesn't feel like she's received an answer yet, what would I say to this person whom I adore?" But Hermana Sepulveda was like "Hermana Barker you have to!" So. I did. And she looked down and started to smile, and said "I'm actually glad you asked..." and then she started telling us (not really going into detail, because it was private for her, and for the same reason I won't go into too much detail here either) how last night something happened, and she received her answer. She described how she felt, and then said "...and that's when I knew I wanted to be baptized." Aaah! Hermana Hoof and I jumped off the park bench and gave her hugs. She's getting baptized March 6, and let me just tell you Mom what a solid girl she is. She just gets it. She's absolutely beautiful too, and her Dad is Muslim so she wants to cook us middle-eastern food. Nan...yum...
I have to tell you about another family though, in our Spanish branch. I love the people I'm teaching, please know that. But this family has a special place in my heart. No, not even my heart. In my soul. The husband was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints while working construction on the temple in Mexico, but then somehow fell away. Sometime after, he married his wife and started to have an - absolutely adorable - family. He is hilarious, but incredibly hard working too. He goes to work at 4:30 every morning and works two jobs. His wife is just naturally beautiful, and oozes love and mother-ness and just this woman-ness too. They have three small boys, the youngest named "Aldo," (like the shoes momma yay!!!). Last night we taught about eternal families, and he was really participating in the lesson. Afterwards Hermana Sepulveda was talking to him, and the wife just completely opened up to me and was joking and laughing with me. I seriously love them. I pray I can truly be an instrument in the hand of God to have this family partake of all the blessings of the gospel and be sealed in the temple. I wish I could express the feelings I have when I'm at their home.
For a while, I was really struggling with how much I feel I've regressed as far as my focus and quality of who I am as a missionary. This e-mail is already getting really long, so I won't go into detail, but I received a blessing and some counsel as well, that when we're focused on improving ourselves, we don't improve. But when we focus on others and the people we're teaching, everything works for our good. It really is true that when we lose our lives, we find them. I'd like to share my experience with you in person one day. Don't worry, I'm keeping a journal so it's all inside.
Well, I'd better go. I love you Momma. Oh! There is a picture attached of all of us getting ready in the morning and yes, my face is poofy, but I promise it's coming off. But honestly, I'm not really worried about it either :)

Love,

Stefanie

2010-02-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

I extended my first baptismal invitation - and she said yes!!! She's getting baptized 27 February, and she came to church yesterday with her mom and boyfriend. We had a zone conference with the mission president earlier that day about the importance of extending invitations to be baptized, and to do them simply and directly. I was just like, "Why haven't I done this before?" Omygoodness, k so do you remember last week when I told you an investigator dropped out of heaven to come to church? Her name is Sarah and she is SO prepared to receive the gospel. She said that forever she always went to church and read the bible, but never felt anything really real. I had given her one verse in the Book of Mormon to read, and she read the whole chapter and she was like, "I finally feel like this applies to me." She read the ENTIRE manual for gospel principles, and she highlighted quotes she liked. I could go on and on about how much she loves learning from us but we got started kind of late today so my companions are waiting for me to get off. Mom, Sarah and I connected so well, and her talking about how she feels each time she comes to church and learns the truths we teach her brings back memories from when I first started coming to church. She is already so much happier than when I first met her at church last week. For the first time my conversion story really connects with someone on the exact same level, and I'm so blessed to have her understand what I felt. Ah! I have to go! But Mom, please know I love you and look forward to your letters. I know it's hard for me to be here on you and Dad, and I try to work hard so you both can be blessed for my service.

2010-02-09T09:10:00.000-06:00

Top of Form
Week at a Glance‏
From:
Stefanie Nicole Barker (stefanie.barker@myldsmail.net)
Sent:
Mon 2/08/10 4:16 PM
To:
yungyul@hotmail.com
Hi Momma,

I love getting letters from you, so don't worry. I have the same problem; I never really know what to write, but I hope that each letter lets the recipient know how much I care. I know you love me and so don't worry about length.

I'm doing something a little different this week. Here's a peek of what I did each day this past week:

Monday
Today was our P-Day, and everyone was so shocked I had never been to Cosco before so my companions and the two spanish elders in our district took me. Everything is so big! I don't think I'll have to buy string cheese for the rest of my mission.

Tuesday
We gave a church tour to one of our investigators who seems absolutely golden! He asked so many questions, now I know how excited the missionaries who taught me must've been. I love relating the first vision, it's just such a pure humble testimony of Joseph Smith, and I was able to do that for this tour. Then we went on splits and my two companions went tracting in "The Arena" (so named because the first time we pulled up to tract there, we thought we saw Jehovah's Witnesses knocking doors too), and I went with one of the members in our Spanish branch. It's the branch president's wife, and she served her mission in Mexico City and she is FEARLESS. She could convey to anyone how important our message is, and the first man we spoke with I just tried to smile really big so he would think I really am as nice and smart as she was telling him I was. After that I asked her for advice on street contacting, and I gained a new perspective. Now I love it and it's bleeding into our companionship!

Wednesday
I taught about "hope" in district meeting today, about how it is the anchor of our souls when discouragement comes and how it's solid because of our faith in Christ. Later that afternoon during tracting I had the biggest test of hope. One man literally took my pass-along-card for the Book of Mormon, tossed it in my face and said, "I don't want you coming back around again!" Within 10 seconds a man we had met the day before stopped us as we approached him and said "I attend another church, thank you." And the rejection just kept coming. I refused to be a hypocrite though, and I prayed and just tried my best to keep myself mentally focused and strong, and not give into discouragement. But...that night we had an AWESOME lesson on the Sabbath Day to an investigator who is progressing in every sense except she hasn't attended church yet. The lesson was just full of feelings of joy and light, and at the end she expressed her earnest desire to attend church, she just wished there was a way for her to get Sundays off. I fasted for that this past Fast Sunday, so I'll keep everyone updated.

Thursday
We have this hilarious investigator with three teenage boys. We were kind of unsure about how a lesson would go with them, since, well, they're teenagers, and you know how they are. But they asked SO many questions (ok some not so serious, but it's alright) and seem really interested in religion in general. The 14 year old grabbed us for hugs at the end. We were just like, "Um...awkward..."

Friday
We taught our Romanian friend. He told us Joseph Smith was not a prophet. Of all the English words he knows, why does he have to use "false" with us? Aah we had so many other amazing appointments but this e-mail is getting really long...

Saturday
Went to a baptism for the Spanish elders. There is something really tender about those moments when baptizer and baptizee are walking down into the font together. I just want those I teach. How do I make sure I convey how important this progression is? It means everything.

Sunday
We had an investigator fall out of the sky to attend church with us today. We hit it off really well, and she asked her member boyfriend if she and I could hang out with her sometime when I'm not busy.

I sent out photo postcards last week, and I hope everyone is receiving them. I'm not sure how all those hold up in the mail, but they seemed really cute. Also, I really do try to write everyone at least once in a while, but I promise things are busy on P-Day with studies and shopping and cleaning! I love you all though and I truly appreciate letters, even though it may take a while to write back. K well I'd better go. I love you a lot mom.

Love,
Stefanie

2010-02-09T08:50:00.001-06:00

Week at a Glance‏

From:	Stefanie Nicole Barker (stefanie.barker@myldsmail.net)
Sent:	Mon 2/08/10 4:16 PM
To:	yungyul@hotmail.com

Hi Momma,

I love getting letters from you, so don't worry. I have the same problem; I never really know what to write, but I hope that each letter lets the recipient know how much I care. I know you love me and so don't worry about length.

I'm doing something a little different this week. Here's a peek of what I did each day this past week:

Monday

Today was our P-Day, and everyone was so shocked I had never been to Cosco before so my companions and the two spanish elders in our district took me. Everything is so big! I don't think I'll have to buy string cheese for the rest of my mission.

Tuesday

We gave a church tour to one of our investigators who seems absolutely golden! He asked so many questions, now I know how excited the missionaries who taught me must've been. I love relating the first vision, it's just such a pure humble testimony of Joseph Smith, and I was able to do that for this tour. Then we went on splits and my two companions went tracting in "The Arena" (so named because the first time we pulled up to tract there, we thought we saw Jehovah's Witnesses knocking doors too), and I went with one of the members in our Spanish branch. It's the branch president's wife, and she served her mission in Mexico City and she is FEARLESS. She could convey to anyone how important our message is, and the first man we spoke with I just tried to smile really big so he would think I really am as nice and smart as she was telling him I was. After that I asked her for advice on street contacting, and I gained a new perspective. Now I love it and it's bleeding into our companionship!

Wednesday

I taught about "hope" in district meeting today, about how it is the anchor of our souls when discouragement comes and how it's solid because of our faith in Christ. Later that afternoon during tracting I had the biggest test of hope. One man literally took my pass-along-card for the Book of Mormon, tossed it in my face and said, "I don't want you coming back around again!" Within 10 seconds a man we had met the day before stopped us as we approached him and said "I attend another church, thank you." And the rejection just kept coming. I refused to be a hypocrite though, and I prayed and just tried my best to keep myself mentally focused and strong, and not give into discouragement. But...that night we had an AWESOME lesson on the Sabbath Day to an investigator who is progressing in every sense except she hasn't attended church yet. The lesson was just full of feelings of joy and light, and at the end she expressed her earnest desire to attend church, she just wished there was a way for her to get Sundays off. I fasted for that this past Fast Sunday, so I'll keep everyone updated.

Thursday

We have this hilarious investigator with three teenage boys. We were kind of unsure about how a lesson would go with them, since, well, they're teenagers, and you know how they are. But they asked SO many questions (ok some not so serious, but it's alright) and seem really interested in religion in general. The 14 year old grabbed us for hugs at the end. We were just like, "Um...awkward..."

Friday

We taught our Romanian friend. He told us Joseph Smith was not a prophet. Of all the English words he knows, why does he have to use "false" with us? Aah we had so many other amazing appointments but this e-mail is getting really long...

Saturday

Went to a baptism for the Spanish elders. There is something really tender about those moments when baptizer and baptizee are walking down into the font together. I just want those I teach. How do I make sure I convey how important this progression is? It means everything.

Sunday

We had an investigator fall out of the sky to attend church with us today. We hit it off really well, and she asked her member boyfriend if she and I could hang out with her sometime when I'm not busy.

I sent out photo postcards last week, and I hope everyone is receiving them. I'm not sure how all those hold up in the mail, but they seemed really cute. Also, I really do try to write everyone at least once in a while, but I promise things are busy on P-Day with studies and shopping and cleaning! I love you all though and I truly appreciate letters, even though it may take a while to write back. K well I'd better go. I love you a lot mom.

Love,

Stefanie

2010-02-02T09:49:00.000-06:00

Three's Company‏
From: Stefanie Nicole Barker (stefanie.barker@myldsmail.net)
Sent: Mon 2/01/10 11:24 AM
To: yungyul@hotmail.com

Hi Momma,

I do get all of your replies, and I received your letter in the mail too. But you never tell me about work! I want to hear about how things are going too, and what you've been up to. Are you still taking exercise classes at the college and walking with Ms. Jane? Please tell all the ladies I say hello :) Sometimes I don't get a chance on Pday to write everyone because we still have so much to do, but I really am grateful for everyone's support, please know that.

I'm not sure if I told you last week, but I spoke in Sacrament meeting in my Spanish branch! All six of us (2 sisters and 4 elders) spoke on missionary work. Now I wish I hadn't had used my notes, but I'll just remember that for next time I speak, I suppose. I bore my testimony on when we participate in missionary work we are more fully disciples of Christ, and so we more fully qualify for charity, which is bestowed upon all of his true followers. I've been able to increase in my ability to love and to feel love, so I really enjoyed speaking. I wasn't nervous, but I was shivering because the chapel was FREEZING so everyone probably thought I was terrified to speak.

We have a new hermana! I love her already. She loves to run, eat salad, go to museums and look at art, smile really big when she bears her testimony, and work hard. I think we are going to be friends :) Also, my trainer is letting me teach now that I've been here for 6 weeks, so I love it!

Haha, ok so we met this lady the other day that began to tell us this vision she had about being taken up to a large white marble building, where everyone was bowing and had three eyes and noone spoke and a floating book with wings and she was "feeling the love" and then, asked us, "Are you feeling it too?" There was so much more but I'm running out of time, but I had to bend over and pretend to fix my shoe so she wouldn't see my face. Once we got in the car I just busted up laughing. There is something about being a missionary that makes people want to share their spiritual experiences with you, and I have too low of a laugh tolerance to take them right now.

Being on a mission though, has open up my eyes to how I need to be as a person. That scripture is real when it says that "faith, hope, charity and love qualify him for the work," because I need those attributes to be successful. Ok well I must go, but I love you a lot. I love hearing from you :)

Love,

Stefanie

2010-01-26T08:30:00.001-06:00

Apparently I give massages...‏
From: Stefanie Nicole Barker (stefanie.barker@myldsmail.net)
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: Mon 1/25/10 6:45 PM
To: yungyul@hotmail.com

Momma!

K so this week I had real gorditas. I don't know what they make at Taco Bell, but those are not gorditas...I think I like these more than tamales, even. We need to have a girls' night and I'll teach you how to make all this yummy food. Oh! And Nick wrote me too! He is doing really well, but he's so busy he said. He told me he hasn't taken a real shower in 2 weeks, and so he apologized if the paper was 'musty.' Oh, and would you please send me Uncle Steve's address? I don't have it.

This week was probably the most depressing week of tracting I've had yet. I felt like I was crawling, emotionally speaking, on the ground from house to house. One man yelled at me, Mom. Like, yelled. I was thinking "Who on earth would yell at this face?" But! It was the best week for teaching! We are really focusing on teaching the restoration and inviting others to read and pray about the Book of Mormon, and when I was relating Joseph Smith's first vision (my companion told me later) a light broke through from the rainy sky through the window and beamed on our faces. That's what gets people to make commitments. The message of the restoration and the light (figuratively and literally, now :) ) it brings into peoples' homes.

And...apparently I speak Romanian now, because we're teaching this cute little old Romanian man (who ONLY speaks Romanian!) that we found in the park. It's a little similar to Spanish, but we ordered a Romanian Book of Mormon from the mission office, and I have my gospel art book, so it should be good :)

Sorry this is so short, but I don't have a lot of time today.
Tracting Treasure:
My district leader is an English elder, and each time he and his companion tract into a Spanish-speaker, he uses his own home-made, hand-scripted approach: "Podemos enviar a las misioneras quien hablan espanol y pueden dar a usted un mesaje" which is supposed to translate as "We can send sister missionaries who speak Spanish and can give you a message," only he mixed up "message" with "massage." When we found out what he was saying we laughed so hard. He replied "I wondered why I kept getting strange looks," and I said, "I was wondering why we get so many referrals from you."

Love,

Stefanie

2010-01-19T08:32:00.002-06:00

|

Let me take your cookies for you...‏
From: Stefanie Barker (stefaniebarker@myldsmail.net)
Sent: Mon 1/18/10 11:16 AM
To: yungyul@hotmail.com

Momma!!!! I loved the bag! It's adorable! They can't forward online orders, etc-type mail to me from the office, so the boxes were waiting for me when I went in for interviews with the mission president last Wednesday! Muchas gracias, Momma! I've been receiving much-needed help in making me cute lately - packages from home with cute accessories, hand-me-down clothes from other missionaries, and make up tips from my companion - she's helping me look older :) It's actually raining here. I was curled up on a lobby sofa drinking herbal gingerbread spice tea while my companion was e-mailing. But don't get the wrong impression, a mission is anything but relaxing. Every morning my body feels like one of those giant cactuses fell on me. But honestly, I'd rather feel like that than feel that I didn't work enough that day. I'm still trying to stay focused throughout the day on my investigators, and to give the Lord my best the whole day instead of to just be out of the apartment the whole day. I thought I knew what it meant to serve God and others before my mission, but I have never experienced this, uplift and purpose that comes from being set apart to serve with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. I am exhausted and discouraged at times even, but I still feel strong. I hope that makes sense... but... ...Mom, I seriously wonder if I'll ever be the kind of missionary I'm supposed to be. Some days I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. Like I'm just floating. I'm trying really hard, and we have our goals and our filled agenda for the day, but I just don't know that I'm doing everything as well or as effectively as I could be. So maybe floating isn't the right way of saying it. Maybe I feel more like I'm making strokes in a wave pool. I study the language and pray for help, but I feel like the people I'm teaching and the members of the branch just look at me like I'm completely unintelligent. I feel like they don't think I understand what's going on, and to be honest, a lot of times, I don't understand the whole conversation, but my goodness they don't have to ask me if I did or not. And I'm 3 1/2 months out, and I still stumble at people's doors trying to explain the Book of Mormon in Spanish? Ok, I'm sure you didn't want to get a downer letter from your daughter, so I'll stop there. And I assure you I'm not discouraged all the time. But...I really can't end on a happy note I'm sorry because we need to go. But I love you lots, and I hope everything is going well. I love getting letters from you too! I'll write again next week, and thank you again for doing some shopping at Bath and Body WOrks for me :) Tracting Treasure of the Week (this one was on me):To a Mexican woman who just told us her brother-in-law is dying of cancer, I THOUGHT I offered to bring cookies, but I actually asked if I could take her cookies. Love, Stefanie

2010-01-13T12:27:00.001-06:00

Momma! It was good to hear from you! Aah, and you didn't have to do any shopping at Bath and Body Works for me, but...I am looking forward to the package :) Time is flying by! I had a dream last night that my mission had ended, and I was crying because I missed it so much (and because my Spanish was somewhat, um, less-than-fluent...). I keep having similar dreams. But I really do feel like the Lord is pleased with my efforts each day, which is a good feeling. So for a while I was like, "Everyone talks about how a mission is one the most difficult things you ever do, but this is great. I'm just happy all the time because I've had all these experiences with meeting people who are SO prepared to hear the message of the restoration, I eat yummy Mexican food from members endowed with fantastic senses of humor, and I love my companion - what is so hard?" But...then Saturday happened. Practically all our appointments canceled, and this one investigator hung up the phone on me. And you don't understand Mom, this wasn't just any investigator, he was so ready to hear and accept our message: at the grocery store I kept feeling like I should go talk to him and we kept crossing paths, so finally I was the super creepy missionary and walked up to his truck window to talk to him. But HE started talking to ME immediately, and the highlights of the conversation were him saying things like, "I've just had a lot of things happen in my life lately, and I want to believe in something" and "Oh hey where's y'alls church, and what time does it start?" My mouth was permanently open during the whole conversation. He was golden. And we gave him a church tour a few days later and he said he could really relate to Joseph Smith wanting to know what church was true, and Joseph's subsequent to decision to ask of God. He committed to come to Church on Sunday, and that's the last we heard from him, well, except of course for the "Hello? - [click]" on Saturday. I thought it hurt when a guy wasn't interested in me anymore, but it was seriously nothing compared to that.But...during knocking doors yesterday was so good. I serve in a Spanish and also and English ward, and my companion and I hate tracting into white people because they're, well, less than considerate. We ususally just say, "Oh, um...we cover a Spanish congregation...do you know any of your neighbors who speak Spanish?..." But on the way to church that morning I was thinking, "You know, Abinidai didn't think 'Hmm...Alma over there looks like he'll be nice and receive my message. I'll just go over and talk to him, and leave that old King Noah alone.' No! He taught boldly, because he was called to do so, and he gave up his life for it. I think I can take a few 'I have my religion thanks [slam!]' (I'm really developing a dis-affinity towards my own kind, I must admit...)." And so that day we took a different approach, and taught at every door, not sparing race, and we found this great nice man who is letting us come back. I love this. Tracting Treasure of the Week (you get two this week!): "You look like you're about in the Seventh Grade."and"Is that your mom?" (referring to my companion...who is only 24) Yay! I love you! Talk to you soon! The pictures are in an area with no doors (what were we supposed to do???) and just a picture of me and my companion. Love, Hermana Barker NOTICE: This email message is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply email and destroy all copies of the original message.

2010-01-05T16:05:00.000-06:00

Feliz Ano‏
From:
Stefanie Barker (stefaniebarker@myldsmail.net)
Sent:
Mon 1/04/10 1:22 PM
To:
yungyul@hotmail.com
Momma, Aah! I forgot to bring my camera to the computer today, but I'll remember next week! I haven't heard from you in a while, are you still alive? I bet things are way busy in the office with all the new students though. If you see Kalyn, please tell her I said 'hello' :) Aah! I have so many inspired experiences but I'll just share this one! So, we have been teaching a woman with an adorable little family, and I guess the sisters had been thinking she wasn't interested anymore because she wasn't coming to church. But she has to work on Sunday mornings, and she always reads. I was praying to know what to do, telling Heavenly Father basically what had been told to me: "Heavenly Father, should we keep teaching her? She doesn't seem to be interested...she's not keeping commitments..." And then there was this very clear, humbling understanding that made it clear that she WAS keeping her commitments - she always read - she just hadn't come to church yet, and that it was MY responsibilty to teach her WHY it's important to come to church, so that she will find a way to come to church. I realized we hadn't even taught her the importance of church and baptism. So we felt we should teach her lesson 3, and we brought Lina, a recently baptized member who shared her testimony of how baptism had changed so much about her life. There was this new interest and light in her eyes, and at the end of the lesson she said, "I don't know how to say this..." I was thinking 'Oh please don't tell us to not come back...' and she said "I think I want to be baptized. But I want to learn more, and I want my husband to learn and be baptized too." I almost fell over. Yay!!! And then I told her we wanted that she had these blessings in her life, and asked her to pray for an opportunity to come to church, like maybe her restaurant would be closed one morning...ok but I actually accidently said "opened" instead of closed, but I hope she understood... K well I have to go, but I love you Mom. Oh, and congrats to Stephen and Rachel and to Cody on your engagements!!!!! April wrote me and I was so excited for y'all! I want an announcement! This Week's Tracting TreasureAfter expressing at the door how beautiful the Spanish language was, a shirtless young adult from Mexico with capped teeth responded with "You are more beautiful than the Spanish language." The best part was that although I didn't know what he said (until my companion translated), I felt the awkward turtle feeling, which surpasses language barriers. Best, Hermana Barker

2010-01-05T15:52:00.001-06:00

Little Mexico‏
From:
Stefanie Barker (stefaniebarker@myldsmail.net)
Sent:
Mon 12/28/09 3:39 PM
To:
yungyul@hotmail.com
2 attachments Download all attachments (5.3 MB)
DSC01460.JPG (2.7 MB), DSC01396.JPG (2.6 MB) Dear Mom,

I think I am loving my first area more and more each day!

My companion and I found a "Little Mexico" that actually just opened up for the sister missionaries. There are even little bicycled men vending mayo-topped corn and doritos. They squeeze these bicycle horns and it's so funny. We've spent the last two days tracting in that area and we've met so many new people that wanted us to come back and teach them more. I love these people. They're just so humble and have so much goodness in them. I love my companion too. Life with her is so enjoyable because she makes me laugh ALL the time.
The women in the ward that we have dinner appointments with always ask me how old I am, since I look so young. They point to me and call me "Chiquita." I want to respond by asking them to please just let me eat a salad so I can stay that way. The passenger-side seat belt alarm doesn't recognize me half the time, and I don't want that to change anytime soon...
So...the first week I wouldn't talk to anyone when we were out on the street because I was so shy, and my companion isn't very outgoing, I don't think. But I knew it was important (and um, hello, it's kinda why I'm here...) so I started praying for the courage to just open my mouth and speak. And then we were loading groceries into our car one night and I was like, "Hermana, we should contact that guy about the Book of Mormon." She was like, "Ok" but then waved me on and got into the car. I was like, "Hermana! Get over here!" And I LOVED it! After that we just walked around the parking lot, pretending we were just walking to our car so we could talk to people. I began to see people as children of God, needing the gospel, and I've seen how genuinely interested a lot of people are. We have a pretty unique message - including that God spoke to the people about Jesus Christ on the ancient American continent, and that Christ appeared to them as well - and it's a message I LOVE telling others about.
K well I'd better go. I love you.

Love,

Hermana Barker

·

2009-12-23T07:59:00.001-06:00

Mom! I love you so much and I hope you are doing well! I'm working on another letter for you so you should get another in the mail soon. I have so many stories from pre-MTC departure, but they'll be more meaningful (and humorous) if I tell you in person, so when I return in T-minus 16 months remind me to expound upon a midnight fire drill (that was very cold, yet SO funny), setting the record for the mile run (yes, my name is even up on the board in the MTC gymnasium now), and wonderful teaching experiences within my district. So, before I left the MTC, I started praying every day for a native companion, so that I would be able to learn the language and accent. And...guess who got the ONLY nativa? Me. Yay! Her name is Hermana Sepulveda and she is splendid. She's fluent in both English and Spanish, and she is very patient with my dragging her outside in the mornings so I can get in my daily run fix (I just run around in the Walgreens parking lot across the street from our apartment). The ward members here are so nice. We have dinner appointments each night, and it's a great opportunity to get to know the families among whom we serve, and to eat yummy home-cooked food. Once I became acquainted with the tamale, I don't miss my dinner salad at all. Last night a family fed all the missionaries in our branch (a branch is just a small ward) - me, my companion, two elders, and the two Assistants (missionaries that serve as assistants to the mission president). I was assigned to giving the spiritual thought to the family at the end of dinner, and I was a little nervous since there were so many other missionaries there too. But it went well, and when I forgot how to say something in Spanish the little kids in the family would chime in. I bore testimony of Joseph Smith's first vision, and of the light that has come into my life because I know that God lives. I'd better go, but I'll be sure to write more next week. And I'll be able to include pictures next week too. I love you, Stefanie p.s. "P-Day" is preparation day, and it's the day I write/e-mail everyone, do laundry, and go grocery shopping, etc

2009-12-04T09:20:00.001-06:00

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I LOVED the letters you wrote me! You'll be receiving another letter shortly! I love you Mom! An elder in my district was going to sing "Pie Jesu" for the special musical number during the morning devotional on Thanksgiving, so we waited in line in the [freezing!] cold for 2 1/2 hours. It had been rumored that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, would be speaking, so there was a huge crowd of missionaries waiting for the doors to open, so our district had this game plan on how to get over to the seats closest to the piano and stage asap. We made it - yay! And our Elder Whitlock, a sweet elder from Pennsylvania, sang beautifully. And Elder Holland DID come, and I loved his address. He and his wife are probably the closest to heavenly beings I've ever met. They love each other so so much. Towards the end of her remarks and before her husband's, Sister Holland mentioned how perfect she thinks her husband is, and how "he took my breath away when we first met, and now, he is my breath. I can't imagine life without him." When Elder Holland rose to speak a few moments later, he commented on his wife, on what an honor it was to follow her in a devotional address, and also to follow her throughout all eternity. Later that day I ate my body weight in turkey and pumpkin pie. Yummy :) My district and I had a little pow wow in the classroom and talked about what holiday movies we hope our mission presidents allow us to watch this Christmas. Mom, I put in a plug for "It's a Wonderful Life" just for you, but I also am a pretty big fan of The Grinch. It's just such a happy little cartoon :) Two elders in my district taught my companion and me a lesson the other night on the love of God. At first I was like, "Oh great, a little 'feel good' lesson." I just figured maybe they were inspired to teach it for my companion. During the lesson, I realized how much love my Father in Heaven has for me. I wish I could convey how I felt. I'm a pretty cynical person, and I loathe "warm fuzzy" lessons, so please know I'm sincere when I say I know I felt the love of my Father in Heaven. I know He lives. I know His love is perfect, and that He provided a Savior for His children, because of that love. I know it is real, and true, and wise, and intelligent. Well, I have 22 seconds left so I must close. But I love you all. Hermana Barker

Granola

2009-10-09T21:51:00.007-05:00

Granola - Don't Flush the Lush
I can now say I've seen even a little more of this world of mine. Following a same-day invite-to-ticket-purchase decision, I became the pleased (and only somewhat financially depleted) owner of a Southwest Airlines e-ticket, destined for Portland International Airport. And within ten days I've landed in the greenest state I've visited yet, speaking both physically and politically; in the airport ladies' room, the commode greets me in eco-friendly attire, who instructs me that in order "to conserve our valued resource of water, please pull up for liquid waste and down for solid waste" on the "germ-resistant handle" (the latter claim being a lie, I'm sure, or else non-eco-friendly lavatories would stock this nifty invention). I humor these hippies, but only because I quickly figure out how to push up on the handle via the bottom of my foot (that's how this handle stays germ-free, I say).
Who else would greet me in Oregon besides a nice little Pakistani immigrant, a new addition to the state's residential population as of today. Like myself, he's waiting for his ride by the pick-up/drop-off side of PDX. Fortunately, mine arrives before he presses with his offer of me becoming his first new roommate in the States (well, presses TOO much, I should say...). Whew. How many times must a girl send out "no" vibes before boys get the message? Do I have to start being verbal with declination???

My goodness, Oregon is beautiful. It's even more lush and green than Alabama, but with mountains! And streams! And cascading waterfalls with residential white-bummed arachnid - yay!

Granola - To Eat
When Scott and I finally cruise into downtown Portland we're both pretty famished, so we practice something I learned from reading "Eat, Pray, Love" - inquire of the locals. Who would knwo the eats better than the people who have already done all the hit-and-miss work, after all? In addition to numerous eating recommendations however, Scott gets a variety of liquor counsel: "The sports bar on 5th is great," one (of a billion) bearded sidewalk activist offers. It was my idea to ask this guy, and once I realize the strength of his body odor (since when is it not green to wear antipersperant?) I instantly regret desiring to know where he likes to eat. "They have good burgers and great beer on the tap." Then our new friend uses this (this being alcohol) as a segue into his cause, "And for just three dollars a day you provide education for a kid in any one of these countries listed - three dollars! That's like a beer a day!" He backhands Scott's chest/arm area. "Thanks man, but I actually don't drink."
We don't take his counsel, but instead find a little Mediterranean spot hidden in a corner. We are greeted by a twenty-something brunette with a headscarf wrapped around her crown - my bet being that's she's convering un-shampooed hair - and wearing a black spaghetti-strap jersey dress with matching bra straps peeking out. Tacky and trashy anywhere else, but for some reason I decide this Oregonian can pull it off.
Ok, so the Hummus Special isn't as yummy as I (or the Dry Erased "Yummy!" scribbing on the menu board) had thought it would be. Seasoned lamb cubes encased in a sphere of hummus with a homemade pita sounded worthy of my high hopes, but my skepticism was brooding the moment our food got to the table before we had even filled our drink cups. I've only had lamb one other time, and I guess "Hush Hush Mediterranean Cafe" just should not be compared to Jean George's; the wife beater-clad cook just can't compete with Donald Trump's kitchen crew. "Do you like the lamb?" the only quasi-showered cashier/now waitress asks. I nod, but Scott checks me after she leaves. "Do you really? and I quickly shake my head 'no.' Curious, Scott forks up a taste and smiles. "Get used to it, this is what the mission is like..."
Call me a foodie, but normally a bad meal has the potential to ruin my day. Much in the same way I feel the last bit has to be the best part of the meal (isn't that why they invented dessert, anyway?). It has to be something worthy to linger until you pop that strip of Orbit. But oddly enough, I don't mind it this time. I feel like I'm getting a more authentic Mediterranean "experience" through the meal. In fact, each bit is a bit of an...adventure. Really? Fat kid me is ok after a less-than-scrumptious plate?
For once, yes.

Hmm...on to the arboretum! I don't know what this is, but I figure it has something to do with trees, going off context clues of similar words (i.e., Arbor Day). Here, after strolling past T-shirt and biker short-clad locals, I hug my first tree. And I must say, I feel some sort of peculiar connection to it as I do, almost as if...it's hugging back. And don't judge me before you try it. While walking back to our car, an older couple slows down theirs and stops to ask for directions. After giving the best directions he can, Scott is - once again - offered a drink. "Thanks young man," the fifty-plus driver says. "I owe you a beer," and drives off. What is this place? Since when is brewery an acceptable provincial currency?
Granola - At the Coast
I'm reading my scriptures at the kitchen table the next morning when a well-postured pre-schooler comes strolling past me, staring, but with a pleasant smile nonetheless. After he shimmies himself up to the cereal cabinet and lugs a gallon of milk back to the table where I'm seated, he pleasantly rattles off each of his family member's first and middle names. ANd I listen, attentively, until he pauses, perplexed, and looks up at me for help. "Do you need me to pour the milk?" I offer. He nods yes. Ok, so this one is kinda cute. Maybe kids aren't so smelly and sticky after all...

The coast is even better than the woodsy Portland area. I can feel salt and mist blowing on my face, but it's not quite humid. I see thick fog, but it's not dreary. My nostrils are filled with fresh seafood, but it's not smelly. And I especially like the chilly weather. I imagine there are oodles more of loveliness when it's snowy on the docks.

And if I were your personal correspond for Travel + Leisure, I would have to be like all the rest and recommend Moe's. If the long lines don't tip you off on it's yummy debajos, I certainly will. Scott quickly orders their renowned clam chowder, and I order...carefully. One meal "for the experience" is enough for a three-day rendezvous. And my constant "Just one more minute" pleas to our waitress was worth it- parmesan-crusted Alaskan cod sandwich. Yum :) I figure we were close to Alaska, so this was the most true-to-life taste I was going to get to the native Alaskan fishies. This one more than made up for the plate of Serta I had the day prior ( sorry for the gruesome reference, but I'm a bit upset they didn't just come clean and put "Mutton Special" on the menu). And what goes with whale-watching like popcorn goes with cinema, but Tillamook ice cream. I didn't think anything could taste better than BYU Creamery chocolate, but I was wrong. Very wrong.

Granola - In my Carry-on Home
My little pre-mission getaway concluded with a tour of the Portland International Airport - because I was there from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. My flight was delayed not once, but twice. I try to smile really big and get a food voucher out of Southwest, but the customer service attendant is neithe rmale nor old (the demographics whom I usually have the best luck with) so no dice. But I do have lots of time to think, to write in my journal, and to catch up on my Book of Mormon reading (all with the background music of a Dean Martin imposter tickling the ivories, mind you), and I do eventually inherit some airplane-shaped graham cracker cookies on the Salt Lake-bound flight, so all was not lost. My brother's loaned tinted-windowed Cadillac was still waiting for me in the economy lot (although I had partially expected one of his rims to be stolen by now) and I made it home safely. It was my first time arriving at an airport without having someone waiting for me, and I must say, it only compounded my current loneliness from all day at PDX. But no worries, I was awakened the next morning by my six and nine-years-old temporary siblings fighting upstairs over Life cereal, and no one can feel alone with Rock Canyon Elementary students in the house, I promise. This easing back into normal life after a trip is always a little difficult, and my ego typically puts up at least minor resistance to the non-carefree routine of the daily grind. But oddly enough, this time I just feel refreshed (think...post-nap) and more ready to finish my mission departure prep :)

This is a Test

2009-10-05T15:17:00.002-05:00

This is only a test. My lovely mother consented to post my missionary e-mails each week (pictures included!) on my blog, and this is our practice post! So after October 14th, don't think I'm being disobedient by keeping up a blog - it's just Mom. :)

Mormon Holiday

2009-08-02T14:02:00.009-05:00

"I could do some of the things I've always wanted to." "Like what?" "Oh, you can't imagine. I-I'd just do whatever I liked all day long."
~ Roman Holiday, 1953

I'm so glad Scott said he was going into work an hour later than usual, I think as I shove my make-up bag and brush into my Degas tote bag, because I am nowhere near being ready. My mind bounces between the conversation we had the night before, where we made the last-minute plans for me to ride up to Salt Lake with him (he's doing some of the remodeling in the Salt Lake temple's upper floors - yes, where those people meet - and I've always wanted to tour the area), and the frenzied hurriedness that always attends the mixture of oversleeping and packing. "I just need to pick up something at the BYU bookstore, and then we can go," he told me the night before as we were leaving my Bath and Body Works barbecue. He calls. He's out front. Yay! Notices such as "Russell M. Nelson just told me to have a good day" have been filling my Blackberry's text inbox for weeks, and so I've been looking forward to visiting this city of such great historical and spiritual significance. I open the passenger-side door and see a recently-purchased book on Salt Lake City walking tours - with a BYU bookstore bag shoved in the backseat. "Scott you are not an hour late for work because you bought this book for me!" So he tells me he's seen it at the bookstore for a while and thought I would like it, but just had never bought it. Since we only decided last night that this morning would be the day I would come, he wanted to get it before we left. So...Scott's probably one of my favorite people right now. And for a similar price (i.e. tardiness to employment for the good of Stefanie) this privileged spot can be yours too :)
I'm sure he is ready to get me out of the car though, because I begin to enlighten him, unceasingly, with all the historical knowledge I'm gleaning from this book.
Joseph in Egypt, Conference Center gallery
First stop: Conference Center. I've been to general conference, where leaders of the Church speak to us every six months, so I almost turn away with a "been there, done that" attitude, but omygoodness I am so glad I take the tour. There is just so much I didn't see with crowds of people around during Conference sessions, not to mention the access to the roof garden and all the tidbits of info that come with the guide. And, I discover an incredible art gallery on the second floor.

I get out of the tour just in time to catch a free organ recital in the tabernacle. From here I have precisely 40 minutes until the free shuttle destined for Welfare Square departs. I take an express route through the Church History Museum, promising to myself I will return for a more leisurely tour later, complete with a finger-touch of the first printing press of the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure if that's allowed...but I really wanted to. Joseph Smith touched that printing press, as has my right pointer finger. So...we've practically shaken hands. Practically.
Aah free shuttle to Welfare Square!!! I'm so excited! I've heard they give out free cheese at the end of the tour, and you get to shop at Deseret Industries, where all the cute temple square sisters get rid of their mid-calf skirts. I must be smiling a little too wide, however, because the drivers, a senior missionary couple, remind me of the shuttle's destination to check if I know where I'm going. The tour is fabulous! Ok, the free cheese and chocolate milk at the end really is great (I'm quite the connoiseur of free samples, after all) , but the Church's welfare system is divine. The primary aim of the system is to help others become self-reliant so they too can find the joy of lifting others. Many employees at D.I. and other welfare facilities are actually recipients of the welfare program. In this way they not only earn the assistance they have received but also learn marketable skills so they will be better candidates for employment.
The shuttle doesn't wait for guests who decide to do some perusing at D.I., so after I find some Banana Republic linen skirts (mission approved!) for $5, I take the bus back up to temple square to meet up with Scott, who is about to get off work. Sigh. Is it really 4:30 already? There is still so much on my list to see! Salt Lake is obviously not meant for a single day trip. I devise a plan on how to convince Scott to let me stow away in his car again as I wait at the bus stop outside Welfare Square. And, for practical reasons I suppose, this facility is not in the best part of town. Pair this consideration with the everyday userfolk of public transport waiting at this stop, and you can imagine my uneasiness as I wait for the bus to come - soon. Why do I look so dang approachable?...Please stop staring... Ah, how quick I am to judge though! When I obviously look lost and confused, the whole diverse bunch actually pitch in their knowledge of the system's routes to navigate me back to my destination.

Alas. Back to temple square safe and sound. Sad to leave but anticipating a return visit soon, we grab a quick dinner at a critcally-acclaimed (the critics being the rennovaters on the Salt Lake temple) burger place. Crown Burger veteran that he is, Scott orders for me and within a few minutes I am biting into a salami burger. Yum. And big, too. Even I can't finish all the salami.

My New Amiga

2009-07-18T17:50:00.010-05:00

Hello, Phoenix Arizona.

Seeing as how you will be my home for the better part of eighteen months, I thought it proper to introduce myself. My name is Stefanie, but you will know me by Sister Barker - or Hermana Barker, in Spanish. Don't be tempted to think Hermana is my first name (sorry, Am :) ), it's just a title. I'm a sister missionary. Or, well at least I will be, when you meet me. I suspect you're too busy with all your other inhabitants to know what "sister missionary" means, so allow me to explain. It means I walk on you, all over your precious 115+ degree desert soil, in funny-looking shoes that are "cute" only in a relative sense - only because mine were more expensive than my companion's, basically. It means that that companion - whose shoes will envy my shoes' more stylish combination of leather - will be with me all the time. Yes, in my sight, always (except potty breaks). It means I will learn to love that companion. Yes, I will put away any "I-like-my-alone-time, people-eater" tendencies and overlook flaws in order to keep a Spirit of love and peace with us as we work together to teach Phoenixians, whom we will also learn to love.

I gleaned from my letter by the First Presidency that you are home to quite a few Spanish-speakers. Otherwise, there would be little need for the "You will prepare to teach the gospel in the Spanish language" instruction. I told my brother I was "called to Arizona Phoenix. In Spanish that's Uhrisona, Phee-NUX!" He didn't think it was funny. Maybe you will appreciate my humor a bit more. With eighteen months of my full attention - no dating or schoolwork to occupy this usually-assiduous little mind of mine - I'm sure you'll acquire a taste for my jokes. I'll see to it.

Have I mentioned I don't speak Spanish? Well, not yet at least. You wouldn't happen to be tucking away any Japanese-speakers would you? Though I do like Mexican food. Authentic, with lard. Oh, what a surprise you were, my dear Phoenix! But I'll let you in on a bit of a secret, I already love you. It is true, Italy Rome you are not. But there is this quiet confirming feeling that I really am called to serve in you. This peace is something that, before, I always judged to be a fluke, one that elders and sisters conjured up in their beds at night to make themselves feel better when they weren't called to someplace exotic, like the West Indies, but this sentiment of mine was unsolicited, unforced, and quite surprising - even comforting. And as I Google-Image-stalk you each night before retiring, I grow more and more excited to meet you. To step foot on that soil-clay-dirt mixture of yours. Rome has the Laocoon Group, but does she have cacti? I think not. And although you will never make the cut for vacation locale of choice, I can't imagine preparing to serve anywhere else but you. Honest.

Well, your rising temperature and my list of today's errands suggest that this visit has reasonably run its course. Drop a few degrees while I'm at the Missionary Training Center from October to December, would you? I'll just be shopping for mid-calf-hitting skirts while studying up on the language with Ericka, my native friend from Mexico. I've enjoyed chatting with you. I think we'll become fast friends.

I'm not a fan of plagiarism, so I must confess this was highly influenced by the May 11, 2009 The New Yorker article entitled "Making Friends" by Amy Ozols; I just wanted to play around a bit and try something new.

Are Sparklers Legal at the Hinckley Center?

2009-07-07T16:08:00.002-05:00

Movin on 'Up'

2009-07-04T12:39:00.006-05:00

Put me in a dressing room with a few high-heeled ladies' legs (of the mannequin variety, fishnets included), and expect me to take pictures. Promptly following my arrival at Montgomery International, Mom and I headed over to Victoria's Secret to stock up on semi-annual sale bras. As is custom, we shacked up in the same dressing room (to shave time off of the "Hey, I'm ready to show you mine, are you ready to show me yours?" wait, of course), which usually means we get the handicapped room. And, just so everyone is aware, I will no longer be mistaken for a sixteen-year-old because (drumroll please) from that lovely Friday on I have been the satisfied owner of not one but two push up bras. I had to dig a bit to find a good selection in my size (do you know how dispiriting it is to pilfer through those pink-labeled bins, find a cute bra, and realize that it's really a 32 B that has "Geronimo'd" over from the neighboring container? To well-endowed women everywhere, save a small-chested girl some distress next time and be sure to keep your big cups in their designated space, por favor.), but to be able to pass for an 'almost B,' I'd say it was worth it.

After the mother-daughter weekend was up, Daddy and I took a trip to Tuscaloosa to pick up some things my friends were storing. I'm usually one to be swooed by emotions - nostalgia in particular; my inabilities in decisiveness often leave me with the "grass is greener" symptoms of decision remorse. But even as Dad and I stroll about the [beautiful!] campus afront Denny Chimes, and even as I acrobat around in front of Bryant-Denny stadium, I'm once again reassured that I made the right decision. I'm so grateful my friends encouraged me to follow the Spirit, and to trust what just felt right. Brigham Young University has been the perfect soil for me to blossom and grow.

After we had loaded up the car and eaten lunch at Desperado's (my old summer job!), we hit up Durbin Farms, a good reminder that the South is the only place mouthwatering peaches are grown, and the only place dressing your male children in petticoat-esque attire is a sign of affluence.

And yes, they do always look this bored around me :)
My favorite parts of the trip home, however, were just the funny little things that happened as I spent time with the fam. Upon receiving the chopsticks I brought back as souveneirs from Japan, my little cousins Jesse and Jack whispered, "Mom, these have lead in them." How does one become that cautious by ten??? Apparently not from observing my Uncle Steve, as he proceeded to pick pistacios out of a bowl with the newly-acquired utensil.

Ha, another is when Dad and I went shooting, and he really wanted me to shoot this rifle he built. It was already far too heavy for my measly little arms to hold up, but then he excitedly ran for my camera. "You'll want a picture of this!" he called out. Hm...I really just wanted to put it down.
And...simply because it's not really in me to close with a cliche sentimental wrap-up (I suppose some are just better at crafting them than I am), I won't. So...thank you for tuning in, and I hope you stop by again soon to read about my fabulous life :)

Just Like Riding a Bike...

2009-06-24T20:25:00.005-05:00

My commute to work

So lately I've been torn. It's just not as easy as it used to be to make my life appear as exciting, and I really don't want to waste anyone's time or make them feel they need to read and comment on my blog. So I promise, if what you read doesn't entice you, my feelings won't be hurt. However, I do promise I'll try my best to write something worthwhile.

Whoever coined that analogy apparently didn't know me. I haven't ridden a bike since elementary school, and I definitely didn't pick it back up right away. Even long hours at spin class didn't prep me against balancing, turning, and braking [quickly]. But...I needed an economical commute to work, so a search on Craig's List and eighty dollars later, University Boulevard has the lovely sight of me peddling in Bath & Body Works regalia. Oh, and I got hit on a lot less in my spin class. So...I'm running (er...peddling) late to work the other day when a blonde in a collared uniform speeds up from behind me, only to whip his head around to look at me. "Hey!" he grins. "Do you remember me?" "No," I peddle harder. "No, really," he argues," "You were walking by my apartment when I was moving, and you stopped to help carry a box in!" Ok I'm seriously never going to do another act of kindness EVER again now. "Oh yeah hey," I keep peddling. "What are you up to?" "I'm late for work." "Where do you work at?" "Bath and Body Works, at Riverwoods." "Woah that's really far out there! I walked there one day and it took me all day!" That's why I'm peddling hard. "Well hey, this is me," he gestures to Burger King, and and he leads in to getting my number, "but do you want to hang out some time?" I notice the cartoon hamburger bun on his polo. "I'm sorry, I'm late for work." Why do guys never listen? His countenance drops, and I peddle on. I think I hurt his feelings, but I ended up being five minutes early to work because of it. Hey, there's no time to waste when anti-bac is $3. But, alas, at the end my shift I return to my new-found mode of transportation, only to find the back tire utterly deflated. And...ignorant me tries to hop on and ride home (you can drive on a flat car tire for a bit, after all!) only to find myself sitting completely stationary-but not for long, of course, since my bike balance hasn't exactly been honed yet. And then, the turning of the knife: I am graced by the presence of raindrops. Yes, I am four miles away from my apartment, and it is raining. Oh, and did I mention I haven't eaten in five and a half hours? So, once again, my brother Nick comes to my rescue. And even puts up with my hunger-induced crankiness.

Aside from burger boy (who really was quite polite, just had bad timing I suppose...) and the punctured inner tube, I really do enjoy riding my bike. The fresh ocea - er...mountain? - breeze blows gently through my hair to offset the heat of the sun. This makes for a comfortable tanning option. And, I must admit, I feel like a kid again.

Nicki and me

And my childhood nostalgia doesn't stop with the recent Huffy upgrade. How about a kind reminder of how much I hated waiting for something to come? Postal things like mail-order salt and pepper shakers from Snapple (it took me weeks to save up enough caps!) and adventures like Six Flags-bound vacations were the worst. So it's really not fair that a mission call is a little bit of both. But...the last word out was that Church Headquarters received my paperwork on Sunday, and my call is currently "in process." My friend and next-door neighbor, Nicki, is bound for Rosario, Argentina, in a little shy of two months, so we've been making plans for sister missionary shopping excursions to D.I. while exchanging guesses for where I'll be going.
And...any pointers for how to tell the rest of my family? I really care about my grandpa's opinion, probably the most out of all my family, and I want to explain it so he would understand. I thought I'd have my call by now so when I go home [this Friday] I could say, "Hey I'm doing [this] going to [here]." Uh...I feel like now I'll be like "Hey I'm going to...I don't know where yet. It could be pretty much anywhere...except Afghanistan....

Oh, and PS: My roommate Brittany's birthday cakes!

Rainbow Pop Rock Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting (and yes, the pop rocks were quite the sparkling experience for the mouth!)

Chocolate Candy Bar Cake

Phone Call

2009-06-19T16:45:00.005-05:00

Celebrating [after]!

Palms sweating. Stomach dancing. Mind rehearsing the scripted conversation. It won't be any easier later. Might as well do it now.

I dial his number from my address book. And then hang up.

Ok, no I'm really ready now. That was a test, only a test.

My thumb presses the green call button on my Blackberry, instantly redialing the last number I called. It's ringing now. No turning back. I hear a "Hello?" on the other line. I summon the courage to reply with what would normally be a reflexive response.

"Hey Dad."

He sounds happy to hear from me. He tells me how excited he is for me to be home soon. As he starts to tell me how well the garden is doing, I remember one (out of many) piece of advice I received from my friends. "Don't shoot the breeze," the boys in UP 2 stressed. "It'd be like calling up a girl to ask her out, and then start to ask her how her day has been. You both know you don't really care."

Well, yeah I guess I can't really concentrate on what he's saying, because all that's on my mind is the lead-in to my...

"And the tomatoes should be in their second week while you're here, so you can look forward to eating some fresh home-grown to-"

Aah but I can't just interrupt him!

So we keep talking.

"And you should see how much Gizmo is shedding! Libby is constantly finding more hair to vacuum-"

Dad I have something important to tell you!

"-and it is just so hot. Ninety-eight degrees I think the weatherman said the other day. What's the weather like up there for you guys?"

"Uh...it's pretty cold, actually, Dad. It's been raining a lot and so the valley cools off pretty quickly. I have to wear a long sleeve shirt when I run in the mornings, before I warm up."

I think I'm about to puke.

"My goodness I can't believe that."

Or faint.

Silence.

Or die a premature death.

"Well, we really are looking forward to having you home for a bit." His voice has those end-of-the-conversation tones. I realize if I don't say something now, it would be pretty awkward to call back in five.

"Dad, can I talk to you about something?" Oh please don't have that worried tone in your voice when you say 'yes.'

"Sure," he replies nonchalantly. Ok...good start...

"So...Dad, you know how much joy learning about Christ has brought me," I read off my sincere but pre-written message on yellow card stock, "so I've decided to...serve a mission at the end of the summer." I look at the next item on my script - "[Dad yells here]" followed by answers to questions I anticipate him asking "[A. Student Loan Deferrment? B. Insurance Coverage? C.
Why are you taking a year and a half off of college? D....]"

Deep breath.

"Ok," he says.

"What?" escapes with my breath. "You aren't going to yell? Dad, I hadn't planned what to say right now, I thought you'd be yelling."

He laughed. K is Dad seriously laughing right now?

Is this the same Dad who, after I told him I was coming to BYU, told me I would have to pay for my own everything (minus insurance)? The Dad who afterwards called up my mom to yell at her, to tell her how stubborn "her daughter" was? Maybe he doesn't know it's for the same Church that funds my university. Maybe he thinks I converted to Buddhism while I was over in Japan.

But no, he knows. And the only proper way to describe him is, softened. We talk for another good fifteen minutes, and I am taken aback at how "cool" he is with it.

"Stefanie, we're all put on this earth to figure out what God wants us to do here. My path isn't
going to be the same as your path. I taught you to make your own decisions, and to be responsible for the consequences."

Yay!

"Now, I'm just concerned about you graduating from college and being able to support yourself."

Oh, no worries Dad. I think about that all the time...

So, my Dad knows a lot. Maybe he's seen that the decisions I've made really have turned out for good for me. Case in point is BYU - I don't think I've ever been happier. I love my university, the Spirit felt in my classes and in devotionals and in the air on campus. I love the mountains. I love my friends. I love how much closer I've grown to my family by being here, despite (or maybe because of) me being further away.

What my dad doesn't know, however, is of years petitioning the Lord to soften his heart. Especially leading up to this time of telling him about my decision to serve a full-time mission for the Lord. Friends would ask, "Stefanie that's so great you're serving a mission - what do your parents think?" Laughter would follow my "They don't know yet" reply. I was afraid. I was afraid of that scripted response of yelling, but mostly of disappointing my Dad. And while I'm not naive enough to think my dad is proud of my decision to serve, I know the Lord will answer my prayers in providing a way to bless my dad - and the rest of my splendid family - through my missionary service. He's already heard my pleas to soften his heart.

Elevation

2009-06-17T23:32:00.004-05:00

"There is a serene and settled majesty to woodland scenery that enters into the soul and delights and elevates it, and fills it with noble inclinations."
~ Washington Irving

A group of kids in my ward go hiking each Saturday morning, and this past weekend I decided to raise my bum out of bed bright and early to join them. Despite that my sleep-deprived bum was sore the next couple days, it was absolutely beautiful, and I'm tagging along to tackle Mount Olympus this Saturday.

(slideshow below)

2009-06-17T23:30:00.001-05:00

Satiation, Please

2009-06-10T22:33:00.005-05:00

My optimism for the human race wanes as I peruse a second-hand clothing store. No pique polos. No chinos. I feel like the closet of an EFY attendee just threw up once-worn garments on me – oh wait, where am I? Ah yes, the Provo branch of Plato’s Closet so that’s exactly what this is! I am swimming in a cesspool of EFY regurgitation; if I find one more overly-lengthened, badly-patterned hippy dress/shirt thing to wear over leggings at the expensive of a cardigan I’m going to scream.

Scream.

There’s a reason Audrey and Jackie O are timeless fashion icons that grace magazine covers still today. They understood how they dressed influenced the way they would interact with associates, and so they opted to look polished and modest in appearance. And they never owned bad patterns.

Ah, what’s that sound I hear? It seems an amalgamation of a noticeably-consistent melody and a computer-edited voice has taken over the store owner’s blasting iPod. Oh, this must be the hit music all the cool kids are listening to. I believe this one is known as “Boom Boom Pow.” I’ll side with my grandpa (and yours, I would presume) and label it “noise.”

My goodness, cultural treats of music and lit are not stifling, and are anything but a bore. On the contrary, they enlighten and enliven, even edify and enrich life. They give an energy to our souls not found in the quick-surge Red Bulls of entertainment today. They speak of life’s higher qualities. They’re worth sacrificing an hour of online shopping and social networking. Like a Degas, that took time, effort, and moreover, inspiration to create, classic arts and activities are longstanding – as opposed to the roll on/roll over talents of today’s billboard-esqe entertainment.

And hey guys, here’s a head’s up for you. If I’m not wearing that patterned tunic-legging combo, I probably wouldn’t be interested in “The Hangover,” or any other motion picture whose title implies crude jokes that honestly, I probably wouldn’t even get. Don’t even ask. I’ll just say ‘no.’ Ah! Take a girl to a museum once in a while. A dance concert. An old movie. Heck, I’ll never turn down food, that’s always a safe bet there.

And please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting everyone become a J Crew cutout (although the world would be much tidier – colorful too, reminds me of a musical I saw once...), but at least leave the tacky and that of bad taste on the shelf. The hanger. The cotton field, at that. And I for one love my daily fix of John Mayer, I certainly do not intend to berate all that’s current, but obey the cultural Word of Wisdom and make something substantial your staff of life.
Make half your grains Hol[st] :)

…and P.S. this was SO already developing in my head before the June Ensign came out.

What's Really Going On

2009-05-16T14:41:00.012-05:00

It's no fabrication, believe the hearsay. I dropped out of training for the Utah Valley Marathon right after my 20-miler. Go ahead and think less of me, but condensing eighteen weeks of patellal Hades into nine was a little too much for me. When I have more time to adequately train, I'm down. But no worries, what has been going on, in place of running, is still worth reading.

Multi-tasking, because I would've felt too vain to simply stand in front of the mirror and take pictures of my new hair...
1. Blame it on an Audrey Hepburn-Roman Holiday-esque moment, but the other day I follow a whim and spontaneously chop off my long brown locks in return for an easy-to-manage summer cut.
...Okay so I lie, since I'm much too boring to ever do anything drastic without excessive premeditation. But the idea to indulge in a fun new look felt very Audrey, I swear. And apparently (somewhat) impromptuness pays off - it was a considerable enough length for Locks of Love.

2. And...speaking of indulging, I've discovered a daily fix of BBCworldevents and of The New Yorker fiction. Free on iTunes, these podcasts not only keep me up on current world happenings, but the latter has spawned a little dabbling in fiction. So perhaps the blogging community will have an little addendumned fiction blog of Stefanie to look forward to.

Becoming a little more "one" with mother earth, Thoreau would be so proud!
3. And in the absence of a job and classes (I'm still working on the former), I have rediscovered time for a good book. I'm in the middle of Thoreau's Walden. I wish the guy was still alive. Because...we'd be friends. Good friends. And I'd probably sit at his feet and soak up tips on building my own house and growing a little garden of food. With all the money I'd be saving from not shopping for clothes (because, get this logic: "As for clothing, to come at once to the practical part of the question, perhaps we are led oftener by the love of novelty and a regard for the opinions of men, in procuring it, than by a true utility. Let him who has work to do recollect that the object of clothing is, first, to retain the vital heat, and secondly, in this state of society, to cover nakedness, and he may judge how much of any necessary or important work may be accomplished without adding to his wardrobe.") I'd have a lot more to put toward my mutual fund. With constant wisdom from a friend like him, my sights would be a bit higher, because, in his own words: "In the long run men hit only what they aim at. Therefore, though they should fail immediately, they had better aim at something high."

P.S. That lovely assemblage of blossoms and foliage you see is my own design, thanks to Jeff's tutoring.

4. And... how about that I love being back home! Sushi-making festivities, volunteering at the MTC, and adorable new roomies make life absolutely splendid. Not to mention being back on BYU's uplifting campus is just good for the soul. Sigh...splendidness. BYU, how did I ever leave you?
Or you, my KitchenAid?

A First Mothers' Day

2009-05-10T23:25:00.007-05:00

I am a mother.

A Family Home Evening mother, that is. And as my first official act as a mother, this morning I tiptoe down the stairs to assemble packages for my “daughters” – homemade loaves of bread, miniature daisy bouquets, and apostolic comments on womanhood written on color-coordinating cardstock. I am seriously teeming over with excitement (I hope they like them!) and delight (I love creating!).

I delight in being a woman, in knowing that my divine qualities of nurture, creativity, and faith enable me to make life of beauty now, and create a home of peace and happiness in years to come. And I delight in knowing that one day my husband and I will be partners with Deity in bringing human life to this earth. I delight in homemaking, in being able to add my own personal touch when I create a place of growth for my family. To bake homemade bread together. To pick flowers together. To pray and learn about Christ together. To give my daughters little baskets on Mothers’ Day to celebrate being women, with quotes much like that of Elder Holland’s that I copied five times today…:

“I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul, and…there could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privilege, and your promise.” (October 2005 General Conference)

…To teach my daughters who they really are, that they are literally the spirit offspring of divine parentage, and that their bodies are capable of exquisite expression through dance, art, writing, and every other creative outlet they find talent in. But all of that will have to wait, as I delight in this season of my life where I am blessed with learning and traveling and singles ward FHE groups, where I anticipate “the last of life, for which the first was made,” at which point in my life I will realize that "youth show[ed] but half."

Happy Mothers' Day.

And...BYU's campus encourages procreation for all creatures, apparently :)

Travelogue Day Four: Okinawa

2009-04-18T23:29:00.008-05:00

This really isn't Tokyo anymore....

My bus :)

This really isn't Tokyo anymore. The number one bus drops me off in the middle of a deserted dirt road (oh wait, I suppose that post office technically makes it only partially-deserted), where I am to change to a different line. After a careful examination of the Kanji-written schedule sign, I discover my next bus doesn't come for another hour. I've never waited longer than seven minutes for a train in Tokyo. But, I take this as an opportunity to scout out some Okinawan munchies, since who knows when these bus schedules will allow me to grab a lunch - and I stumble upon this secret little passageway leading to a gravesite.

The stairs to...who knows where? Let's see! :)

Grave

And later, on the grounds of the Peace Memorial Park, I stumble upon yet another "secret" pathway - this one winding down a rocky cave and leading right to the shore! This exploration might have been prohibited, but considering I made it back to the U.S. without being tossed into a Japanese prison (shiver...images of Brokedown Palace just flashed through my head), I would say it was worth it.

How pretty...I wonder if I can get down there...

Hmm...should I just go back up?

...never! I'm too close now!

Well worth the hike...

And...later that night I am exhausted from a full day of sightseeing, so after I check with the bus driver that his bus will be going to "Kadena" (I'm staying on Kadena Air Force base) I pass out. I awake just in time to hear "Kadena" being announced over the mic and pay my fare and hop off the bus. The doors slam shut just in time for me to realize that this is NOT Kadena Air base; little did I know that the base is located in the next city over. But...it's all good, because there are cabs, and I take one to the base - except, truly I am tired and afraid, and I am sobbing to the driver while trying to give directions in Japanese. He responds back only to tell me to stop speaking English (ok, is my Japanese pronunciation that bad?). He's asking me if I want him to drive inside the gate, directly to my house. "Ugh, then it's only going to be even more money!" I think. As distraught as I am, I still have that frugality by my side. I decide to play up the "No hablo Japanese" assumption and I stay quiet, just in case this leads him to pity me and lay off the cab fare a bit. Upon arrival to the base, the guards are suspicious of a crying girl in the back of a cab at 1 a.m., so they pull me out (after reminding me to pay for the driver, dangit) and, after some concerned questioning, they laugh and personally escort me to housing - for free!

Travelogue Day Three: Okinawa

2009-04-09T22:04:00.007-05:00

I'm sunburned, and I love it.

It's the first time since I arrived in Japan that I've received enough Vitamin D to alter skin color, thanks to long days inside the office.

I think I belong on the beach. I headed down to the local sea wall this morning, and after some alone beach time, Sister Bishop drives her seven-year-old daughter and I to Tori Beach, and then to Maeda Point. I can't describe how beautiful it is. Even pictures cannot do it justice. There is just a feeling that photos don't give - part awestruckness, part disbelief and gratitude that I am actually here. I walk through a field of sugar cane, passing a short elderly Okinawan field worker. On one side of me are rolling hills of vegetation, on the other, two-toned blues of ocean. I hold a blue starfish in my hand, and even am adventurous enough to stroke a sea cucumber (once). We wade over rocks in the low tide, almost competitively pointing at the variety of bright blue fish, uniquely-spotted starfish, and spiked sea urchins. When it's finally time to leave, I find it's difficult to turn from that last gaze at the ocean and head back towards the car.

Some things are just good for the soul.

Sister Bishop's daughter :)

Travelogue Day Two: Okinawa

2009-04-08T01:47:00.004-05:00

This morning I wake up at 6:30, and realize I should probably brush my teeth and check in for my flight soon. In the bathroom mirror I stare back at someone who definitely just spent the night on an airport couch (with a funny-smelling and probably not recently-washed blanket); I had better freshen up a bit.

When I meet Sister Bishop, the friend of a friend with whom I am staying, I instantly love her and realize how wonderful she is. It is kind of that awkward "I'm staying at your house so is it ok to go and do my own thing or will I be a poor guest?" thing for me, but I'll figure it out.

Okinawa is fabulous. I finally feel at home. There is no more "trying to like this place because, well, it's Japan and I just should." I just feel free. The culture is a 180 from mainland Tokyo. I'm in the USO office, trying to figure out a way to get to northern Naha. "Is there a train system?" my Tokyo-enculturated self inquires. "There's the monorail, bt it doesn't come down here," the 25-year old guy at the desk answers. "You could take the bus, but don't be scared when it's not there on time. The buses here run on Okinawa Time." Yeah, Toto, I don't think we're in Tokyo anymore. There, people depended on those timetables; all phones have to-the-second train schedule updates. "OK," I think out loud, "I guess I could go up there Friday." "Well, why don't I take you," he offers, "That's my day off, and I don't have anything else to do. I know where all the good beaches are." I am at a loss of words. Speechless. What? We end up hanging out on his break a few minutes later, where we get some delish raw tuna and wasabi over rice before hitting up a Japanese arcade. He goes for the generic Rock Band - drums only - and I spend my 100 yen coin on a similar knock-off version of Guitar Hero. As much as I have religiously labled video games as time wasters, I secretly enjoyed myself.

The sea wall

Cars are stopped at a red light at the 5-lane, so he starts jogging across the lanes. I have deja vu of seventh grade afternoons spent playing Frogger. "Seriously?" I call out quickly from the sidewalk.

Turns out Kenji is 1/4 Okinawan thanks to his grandma - like yours truly. His English is perfect, but he has no desire to visit the U.S. He has never met his father, but wants to "get back to his roots" by visiting Ireland, where his dad's fam is supposedly from. He doesn't look at me when he talks. Also, while we were eating he made the "Woah, you were hungry" comment that I usually get from guys if I am but one bite ahead of their consuming-rate. No matter how many times I get it, though, it never ceases to make me want to punch them.

Everyone says hey to each other. Sidewalks are sprinkled - not stuffed - with people. No one's in a hurry. I could live here. I could learn to fish.

Shi-shi dog